Don't Call It A Comeback

Inspired by a few friends who have expressed to me how awful the holidays are while waiting to adopt, I am pumping a little life into the ole' adoption blog.

You guys, I haven't forgotten what it's like. I may never forget and I really don't want to. It's good to keep some of the pain near the surface, to stay grateful for what you have in life. In no particular order, these are the things that got me through the holidays whilst waiting, year after year. Your miles may vary.

1. Near constant distraction in the form of doing things. Concerts, movies, girl's nights out, dates with the husband, shopping WAY too much. You get it, leave the house.

2. Netflix binges. Not just any Netflix binge. The holidays bring Love Actually and Bridget Jone's Diary... The ultimate in holiday chick flick bingeing. Add some peppermint schnapps that we won at a curling bonspiel raffle to some hot cocoa and maybe, just maybe, something extra calorie ridden to eat, and BAM you got yourself a full afternoon of no thinking. Optional: random British romcom featuring Colin Firth, as suggested by Netflix.

3. Tacos and margaritas. Jalapeno margaritas to be exact, because who doesn't want their burning drink to burn more? Extra points for doing this with other people waiting to adopt or your BFF.

4. Three dollar draught beer with your BFF with half priced apps and Barnes and Noble shopping afterward. Thankfully, you will be tipsy from beer and not mind Christmas shopping while at B&N. Beer and books are, quite frankly, the perfect combination.

5. While the husband is away, the wife will play....records. I did a lot of exploring our record collection. We grief ordered a 7 foot beanbag after our neardoption last May. Lounging on said beanbag chair (if you can call it that? beanbag sofa?) and listening to records was indeed the therapy my counselor couldn't provide.

6. Speaking of counselors, a good therapist is everything in the adoption wait. If you are in the Atlanta area and need one, I have the person for you. She has plenty of experience thanks to going through the wait with me! We laughed, we cried, we sat and stared at each other silently.

7. Frank Turner's music (obvs). Being careful to avoid certain songs and albums that made things worse. Never "Song For Eva Mae". Never.

8. Hugglin' my friend's kids and my nephew. Huggles all around. Even when I thought it would be hard to see them, their kid innocence and joy was exactly what I needed in the end.

9. Talking about WHEN not IF with my friends. Gosh, it hurt so bad when people would say "IF" if it happens for you. My heart would soar if a friend said in passing "When your baby comes". It's such a small thing, but also not small at all.

10. Remembering that no matter what emotions I'm dealing with, the woman who would eventually be placing her child with us will be dealing with so much more. Perspective.

This Christmas, we celebrate with our son. This was longed for. Previous Christmases made me feel sick for us. This Christmas I feel sick for my friends, because I get it. I so get it. Below you will find links to a few of my friend's adoption profiles through the agency we used. Please share and spread the word. I wouldn't share anyone I wouldn't vouch for as solid, awesome people.

My jalapeno margarita/dog cuddling/exercise so we can brunch heavily sister from another mister and her fun loving, as well as funny, husband. They are local!

Jessica and Clay

Friends with senses of humor, tons of personality, and good all around people. Also local!

Sarah and Chris

They've been through it all and still keep a positive stance. We go way back to the beginning of our wait. West coasters!

Nicole and Don

Our former profile neighbors and adoption wait warriors. Located in NC.

Angela and Ethan

Full of fun and and wit, with the brains to back it up (Graduated from the school I where I work!). Local peeps.

Kristan and John

She's nothing but kindness and warmth. Indiana.

Heidi

Sarcasm and artistic talent? Local!

Amy and Ryan

I am so grateful that our list of waiting friends that we feel emotionally invested in through our agency is shrinking! Congrats to everyone who adopted in 2016 and here is to this list getting even smaller in 2017! If I missed your profile, it wasn't on purpose. Send me a note and I will share your profile.

End Of Year Wrap Up: Goodbye 2015

My Fortune. Yes, I'm listening.

A year and one day ago, I woke up and thought "this will be the year we become parents". My heart screamed with hope and excitement. I thought it would be crazy if we didn't, seeing that our profile is so open and that we put in our time to make it to "average" waiters (just about).

Spoiler Alert: We did not become parents in 2015.

Today is hard. I didn't expect it to be. It's official that 2015 was not our year. I got to the parking area at work and sat in my car for 30 minutes, debating whether or not I should go back home and get in bed. I listened to Frank sing about having a "Happy New Year" and considered grabbing my passport and getting on whichever flight took me out of the country fastest. My heart said "flee", but my brain said "keep holding on".

I struggle with which tactic to use. Do I run into 2016 with optimism? Positive that this will be our year? OR Do I tell myself not to expect anything to happen, so I don't feel so let down if it doesn't. 

It doesn't feel safe to think 2016 will be our year. It feels like setting ourselves up for failure. Is it possible to brainwash yourself into thinking it's over and it will never happen, just so perhaps one day IF it does happen, you can just be pleasantly surprised?

I'm upset that the word IF has entered my adoption vocabulary again. We said goodbye to that word when we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and move forward with adoption. But here it is, swimming around in my head again. If we ever adopt. If we can get through another a year of this. If someone sees us for who we are- good people, honest people, people who just want to be parents. People who will honor our open adoption and honor our kid's past, present, and future.

I wish I had taken today off of work. I wish I had pampered myself with good coffee, no alarm clock, and maybe movie tickets or a trip to a museum. I wish I had known that today would feel not so great.

My wish is to wake up tomorrow and be hopeful and positive and just know for sure that 2016 is our year. I wish to feel different tomorrow. A new year, a new perspective. Trying so hard to make that happen. I wish for 2016 to surprise me.

We need help to do this. 

Can everyone just tell at least one person today that John and I are waiting to adopt? Networking is key. We are waiting to adopt through open adoption. This means the mother of our child needs to be made aware of us and choose us. Open adoption means some sort of contact throughout the child's life.

I get an average of 120 views per blog post within the first 3 days of posting. If everyone who views this post today, tells one new person about us, 120 additional people would be aware and who knows if they know someone who is looking to place their baby with a loving couple.

I've lost faith in the fact that our agency will ever come through for us. I'm sorry to the people who work there who I really care about- who I know do all they can- but as a whole, I'm not seeing the light with them after all of this time and not much of anything to speak of. I sure hope I eat those words sooner than later. I will totally own up to it if I am wrong, but observation and experience is telling me otherwise.

So it's up to us. 27 months and counting and that's just the waiting to adopt part. Doesn't include the infertility part. We've come way to far to stop now.

Goodbye 2015. You were not my favorite year, but you did bring us vacations and fun times with friends and family.

Now for the one of the best things I saw on the internet in 2015. This brother and sister knocking this song way out of the park:

Christmas 2015: Part Two- Funsies

I'm ready for part two of my Christmas post. The last post was about feelings. Boo feelings! If you happen to like feelings though, here is a link : Christmas 2015 Part One .

This is not a feelings post. This is a what we have been up to and what we will soon be doing post.

As per my recent hiatus ending post noted, I saw Frank Turner again. Oh yes, I did indeed. Pictures below. I'm off of work this week, so there has been plenty of laziness and general hanging out.

John has been curling, and watching Everton play soccer, and working hard as usual.

The house is superbly decorated. Presents are wrapped and ready to be torn into (or bags peeped into, because wrapping got tedious, so I turned to the good ole gift bag.

Christmas cards are hung in our entry way. What I really love about our Christmas cards is that so many of them are pictures of families created through open adoption!

It is lifting my soul up to receive these cards from friends we have made during the adoption wait. Watch out, when we have our kid, our Christmas card photos are going to be epic.

Let's not forget the cards featuring friends and their pets! More fur please!

Our annual tin of Christmas cookies arrived from our friend Katie and her family. You may remember her from such blog posts as Vacation Recap: Philadelphia . 

Katie's cookies mean the start of Christmas. She may be thinking "Great, now I can never stop sending them!" No Katie, you cannot. Kidding, sort of. 

I particularly loved the card, which included a drawing by Xander, Katie and Anthony's 4 year old son. I believe he now fancies himself an artist and author of stick figure and worm family books.

We saw Star Wars on opening day. This is the only picture I took, because, well, I was sending it to another friend we met through our adoption agency who was also seeing it that night.

This is the freezing cold line to get in. Yeah, sure it was cold that night, but it won't be for Christmas! It's supposed to be 77 here on Christmas day. It's currently pouring rain here, with a risk of tornadoes tonight. It's not exactly holiday spirit inducing weather.






I know you are all waiting for my Frank Turner trip update!

So, here it is. My friend Jessica went with me to Nashville to see Frank. She had seen him open for (I think) Ben Folds years ago. She was the first person I have met who actually knew who Frank Turner is, so ya know, I kept her. That sounds creepy (she's in the basement..shhhh). Kidding. No, she's actually getting ready to fly to Italy. Whatevs. I'll just hang here in the 'burbs.

Anyway, we went to an instore performance at Grimey's in Nashville and like .. um.. met him and got his autograph and stuff... Yeah, I know, I have met him before. Trust me, it doesn't get old. He liked my shirt (*blush*). I may  have prematurely put my arm around him for our picture. Man, I can be awkward.

What's that? An autographed record? Mine! All mine!

Also, he said I my way of spelling Sarah is the best way and I was all like, yeah, totally, mumble mumble squirm. Because I am super smooth when talking to my music idols.

So, let me not leave out the part where a friend I made in the Frank Turner Army (it's a thing, ok?) Marisa is her name, got us wrist bands to make this possible. It was a know a girl who knows a guy type of deal. I am so thankful to Marisa and her friend!

Then we went to the actual show. It was at 3rd and Lindsley, which was a really awesome venue. We squeezed our way to the front and I sang/screamed/yelled/jumped/danced/sweated my face off.

I no longer have a face. 

I think Jessica is hooked now. It's contagious, that Frank Turner bug.

Ok, I'm stopping with the Frank Turner fan review. Let's talk about my onesie addiction. My name is Sarah and I have a onesie addiction.

If I see a cool, cute, or funny onesie, it will belong to my yet to exist baby. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe I just like to be prepared!

If you hear of a good onesie sale, you know where to find me. Merry Christmas future baby, you are already well dressed.




Well, that's my picture collection for this entry. If you follow us on Instagram: Our Account, you probably have seen most of these already. If you don't - Surprise! Pictures!

It is the Eve of Christmas Eve and I am home alone. John is working, making sure all of you have your ingredients for Christmas dinner. Tomorrow night we will have lasagna and monkey bread and celebrate our Christmas together.

Christmas day we will brunch at my parent's house and marvel at how funny our nephew, Henry, is. How big and smart and wonderful he is. Then we will drive to see John's mom and sister and eat some more, as people do on Christmas. We will chat on the drive up and back about how maybe... just maybe next year there will be three of us. Then hesitate, because maybe not. We don't know.

Tonight though, I am writing for you and for myself. For our future child to know how much we loved him or her before we ever set eyes on our perfect baby.

For now I will watch Love Actually eight times and Bridget Jones' Diary three, maybe four times, because there is no such thing as too much young Collin Firth or too much living abroad in your imagination. I'll wait eagerly for John to get home tonight. To torture him with said chick flicks and spend what is left of this holiday, just the two of us.

The lightning outside seems too close for computer comfort, so I'm signing off. From our hopelessly hopeful family of two to your family, Happy Holidays!

Christmas 2015: Part One- Feelies

There are things we are going to talk about here and things we will not- like how much sugar I have consumed this week. No good. I'm splitting my Christmas post into two posts this year. This is the one in which I share the struggle. The next one I will share the fun, which we definitely are having.

What I want to talk about right now is waiting to adopt during the holidays. For me, it is the hardest time of the year to still be waiting. I tend to mark our wait with how many holidays have passed. This is our third Christmas waiting to adopt and our well, seems like forever waiting to be parents together.

This week is the hardest week of the year for me. John is a produce manager, so he works like crazy the week or so before Christmas. In fact, this week he is closing every night. I'm off this entire week. I've been off of work since Friday, trying to distract myself from loneliness and sad adoption thoughts. It is hard to get through this week without him. Sure, he is close enough that he is coming home for dinner each night, I see him in the morning, and I just saw him on my grocery trip to get brunch supplies for Christmas morning, but it's not really the same as spending off days together.

I'm making the best of it. I had dinner with a friend last night. I spent this morning and afternoon shopping and eating with my sister in law Heather and our nephew. I've been out shopping nearly every day since Friday, since time kind of raced forward and I was/am so behind buying presents.

Netflix is my holiday best friend. Our cats are super happy to have a warm lap to sleep on.

The fact remains though, that we are still waiting. We are trying hard to smile through another Christmas childless. It's not that we don't love Christmas together, it's just that we've been there, done that.

The baby's room is ready. I have shopped my way through all of the funny and cute onesies I can find. I want to play Santa Claus. I want to take our kid to all of the fun Christmas things our city has to offer. I want to be sitting around the house, dressing up baby in his or her Christmas gear and wait for John to get home to make him laugh. To surprise him with cookies the kiddo and I made together. To run around the corner to see John at work with our baby in tow.

2015 is almost over and I have accepted the fact that we will not be adopting this year. It would be a miracle if we did. I'm no longer willing to say 201_ (fill in the blank) will be our year to become parents. It's unsafe for my emotional well being to say those things. We've been saying it for years and for years it has not happened.

This is not a sad post, this is an honest post. Christmas brings mixed emotions. A deep pain is hanging in the air, reminding us that we are still not parents. Also though, there is love and excitement for a holiday with our families.

I've lost faith in the process for now. I know it will probably happen eventually, but I feel like it is us who will have to make it happen. We have had one single contact from someone thinking of placing her baby through our agency in 27 months (we will hit 27 months tomorrow actually, but who's counting right?). Anyway, ONE through them, the people we gave our money and trust to help us. It is disheartening. All of our other contacts have been our own doing. Through our own networking and people like you, dear readers of this blog (if there are any left with my slacking). Edit: I remembered that we have actually had two expectant mom contacts through our agency. Two in 27 months. Fantastic. Sarcasm. 

My Christmas wish is for this to work out for us. For us not to spend another Christmas next year wondering when or even if. I remember when we stopped trying to get pregnant, we thought now it's when and not if anymore. But now it feels like if again. If. Ugh.

I am a sliver of hopeful. Just a sliver today.

Reinventing What Waiting Is

Hey, is anybody still out there?

Well, it's December 3rd and I haven't blogged in over a month. I've gone back and forth about whether I'm ready to get this going again. There were a lot of positives about taking some time off of adoption. I mean, you never really take time off from the adoption wait, we were still waiting, still hoping, still doing some networking here and there. I guess it was more like taking time off of the extreme emotions that come along with waiting to adopt. A month of pushing it out of my head as much as possible.

Updates? Ok. We had a couple of contacts that appear to have fizzled out. It's hard not to overthink everything you said, wondering if something came across wrong, wondering if you ruined it. I mean, I don't think that is the case, but it's always something I will wonder about. The fact is though, nothing can be done about it. I'm pulling myself up and moving on.

We have about 300 pass along cards if anyone is interested! Email me sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com . I mailed out about 200 to friends last month (thanks friends!).

Enough adoption news. ENOUGH! Let's get to the fun part.

We have spent the last month having adventures. I've done some of them without John, because the holidays generally mean he works A LOT #producemanagerlife. Yep, I just hashtagged in the blog. What is happening to me!?!?!

Waiting to adopt doesn't have to be sitting around wondering why not us? When will it be our turn? Waiting can be a time to do all the things that will be too hard to do once you have baby demanding your every minute

Without further ado, here are the tales of adventure.

I saw Free Throw (link to their site) at the Masquerade with our friend Stephen! A) Free Throw is awesome. Clangy, buzzy, emo, punk-ish. I just made those descriptors up. Opinions may vary. B) Stephen is also awesome. He is one of our #1 supporters in this adoption process. He was the best man at our wedding and is a friend extraordinaire.

Also, someone puked at this show. Front and center. The crowd parted like the red sea. No thanks.

We ate at Ponce City Market beforehand at Farm to Ladle, which was delish. Fresh, fast, unique. Important to note for Atlantans or people visiting, King of Pops does pops (that's KOP for popsicle) dipped in chocolate at Ponce City Market.

John and I saw Glen Hansard (linky) at the Buckhead Theatre. This was sort of a dream come true for me. My favorite movie is Once, which is how Glen entered my music library. He has come through Atlanta a few times, but never when we could go.

A maybe too jolly opening act, t-shirt purchase, and one gin and tonic later, we had our minds blown by Glen himself. He opened unaccompanied by any instrument, in the dark. Chills. I do love me a musician with a beard and guitar.

Let us not forget what the Buckhead Theatre used to be.. Goodbye Roxy, you will not really be missed. Sticky, old, metal folding chairs... Nope. You even made Henry Rollins screaming about republicans less fun, which is hard to do! The Buckhead Theatre is nicely redone- comfy couches, unique touches all around. Would return.

Just this past Monday (11/30) we saw David Bazan (linky dinky doo) .

We saw him in a random living room in Marietta. GA. Let's just say I only felt the pain of sitting cross legged on a wood floor a few times in the hour plus that he played. It was simply one of the best musical experiences of my life thus far.

He would play a few songs and the open it up to questions from the audience. Obviously, being in someone's living room, the audience wasn't that big, so it was very intimate. John asked two questions. There were cameras filming for a documentary, so we may end up in it!

I guess this happened before my little hiatus and I may have already written about it. I can't even remember! John and I went to our friend's wedding. We got all gussied up and ate like 4 kinds of cake. Superb.

Congratulations to Carla and Scott! May your life always be filled with cake buffets and ice cream sundae bars!

I spent some time having taco and margarita nights with friends. Luckily, just about every friend I have is up for tacos and margaritas. Some of which are waiting to adopt as well. Visit http://www.iheartadoption.org/ to see our profiles. Ours first though ok? We've been waiting the longest. Seems fair (in my head). Of course, so far we have learned that adoption is not exactly fair. To anyone. We do the best we can.

Jalapeno margarita anyone?

Yeah... sorry about the random depressing thought!

In happy news, my dad and I did our annual Turkey Chase (And yearly terrible selfie. It's a tradition now). We hadn't done a race together since last year's Turkey Chase. Usually we do 3 or 4 a year, but we both had a lot going on.

This race is one of my favorites, because it's colder in November and I kind of hate sweating and it's fairly flat and scenic. The lazy person's race.

Our extremely talented friend, Katie, made another hat for our future child. She knows my weak spots- cats and tiny baby things.

Katie is another super supportive friend as far as our adoption wait goes. You may remember her from our trip to Philly over the summer.

We made it through living together in our early twenties, so I think it's safe to say we are friends for life.

I'm sure I left some adventures and fun stuff out. I wasn't planning on writing today, but I finished my grad class for the semester and I'm all caught up at work. I figured why not get it out there.

Our tree is up (yeah, we went fake, despite my declaration of wanting a real one). Our stockings will be hung shortly. We are having a small holiday party with friends we met who are also waiting to adopt in just over a week.


OH MAN. How did I forget... my friend Jessica (also waiting to adopt) and I are driving to Nashville next week to see Frank Turner! I mean, did you really think I could have a come back blog post without mentioning Frank. hahaha! Silly people! I CANNOT WAIT. Capslock level excitement.

So there we have it. Updates. Busying ourselves. Hoping that since hardcore networking has not brought us a baby that possibly ignoring it will? Is there magic in booking nonrefundable trips and buying tickets to shows? If you want to see something bad enough, will the adoption happen to thwart it?  We can only hope.

I want to be a mom. John wants to be a dad. I never thought those urges would become so strong. We are ready! As always, thanks for reading. We are hopelessly hopeful as ever.

Fire In Our Bellies

"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous


I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?

Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.

It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.

About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.

Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.

Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?

I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.

Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight. 

This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have. 

The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?

It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.

In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.

Any Time Now, Universe!

This post was inspired by a friend I met through our agency. This morning she shared a post from a year ago.

Shared with permission.

Just last night John and I had a conversation about Christmas. How its four months away, but it seems like there is no hope for us to adopt before then. It was a 30 second conversation, yet it felt so heavy.

We are basing our view of the future based on the past, but no one can really know what the next four months hold for us. 

Our last adoption situation that fell through happened so fast. It went from watching TV, not expecting to do anything but sleep that night, to calling the after hours answering service for our agency in mere minutes. I certainly didn't sleep that night! Of course, that situation didn't work out and that's fine. It did in fact give us hope and remind us how quickly life can change.

But it's so easy to lose sight of that. When day after day goes by with no inquiries about us- no emails, texts Facebook messages, nothing. No calls from our agency asking "Can you get to (insert town/hospital here) ASAP?" Not a peep. Unless you count "Lung" who wants to "do a project with us". Real email. That was all it said. Thanks, but no thanks Lung.

But look at what a difference a year can make for a fellow waiting adoptive family (now a family of three!). Weeks before they were matched with their daughter's birth mom, Chelsea and I were messaging each other wondering if it would ever happen for either of use. Wondering what we could do to move this along. She didn't have to wonder much longer.

There is hope. At any time, that could be us. 

This has not been my favorite part of life. The waiting, the longing, the ups and downs- it's all just so incredibly stressful. Talking to friends and remembering how life was before this undying urge to be a mom kicked in, it makes you long for those days. When your biggest worry was who you are going to hang out with that weekend or what coworker is giving you grief at work.

It's not easy, but I can't help but think it will be worth it. When adoption friends post pictures of their longed after children, or relay stories of how they met the children's birth parents, or "firsts" of everything being parents- it's all giving me the energy to keep at it. Yes, your stories of diaper blow-outs somehow still encourage me to stay the course.

Here we sit, still waiting, still trying to pass the time. I'm back in grad school, trying to make something more of myself and John is about to start curling again. John is also looking forward to football season. It's not really my thing (I know, don't judge me!). We will hit two years live with our agency next month, many more years than that trying to become parents. We will mourn it, even though it will appear to just be a day like any other. You have to mourn things to get past them.

Here's hoping our lives change in an instant too, preferably tomorrow? next week? Universe, are you listening? 

Bring it, 2015.

A new year, new hope, new perspective.

I mean it this time. Things happened recently that have us refocused and excited for 2015. Best thing first, we had an excellent vacation in Chattanooga, TN. We were sick the entire time, but learned so much about ourselves... or were reminded of so much. We were reminded of how much fun we can have just the two of us. There wasn't talk of how much more fun the aquarium would be with our kid or how much fun other families seemed to be having with their kids. It was just us having fun.

We are saying adios to a not so wonderful 2014 and eagerly welcoming a new start in 2015. The year we will hopefully become parents! This past year has been full of hardships outside of adoption. Health scares, car accidents, family stuff. We are happily moving on and expecting the best in the next 12 months. Every day that passes is no longer a day added to our long wait, but a day closer to our baby coming home.

We went to my (Sarah) parent's house early Christmas morning on our way out of town to see family. I made two quiches and my parents had some other goodies to eat. My brother and his family stopped by and we played with Henry, our nephew and opened presents. John's mom and sister did not feel up to meeting up this Christmas, as they have some stuff going on this year, so we stopped off at the movie theater and watched the last installment of the Hobbit movies. It was fantastic and gave John a chance to relax. He was running a fever, so relaxation was needed! After the movie, he slept in the car and I drove to Chattanooga, jamming out to my main squeeze Frank Turner.

The rest of the story I will leave up to the pictures to tell. (Pretend these pictures are lining up nicer. Thanks blogger!?)

Christmas morning 2014 with our nephew, Henry

Tennessee Aquarium. John was getting better and I was getting sicker! .

Ahhhhhhhh!

Jelly fish!

This was way more impressive in real life!

Smooch!

Sarah at the aquarium!

The pedestrian bridge in Chattanooga. We did a ton of walking

The art museum. Cool building!

It was insanely foggy December 26th. View from our room.

The view of the river from the aquarium.

Seriously, I can't tell you all how much my perspective on the new year has changed. I was dreading that thought of not having adopted in 2014, but I realize now that it just wasn't our year. What is meant to happen will happen. Hope is renewed!

Happy New Year everyone. Thanks as always for reading. I am always shocked at how many people are keeping up with our story. Our one wish for the new year is for people to keep spreading the word that we are waiting to adopt. Keep sharing this blog and our profile, facebook page, instagram etc. and we will keep on hoping!

A Happy New Year song!

It is Christmas Eve Eve. Oh My.

Just a little pre-Christmas day update. It will be short and sweet since I am sure we will have a nice lengthy, picture filled update when we return from Chattanooga.

I have kept most of the things I feared about us not having adopted by Christmas at bay. I am feeling thankful that I have John and my family and friends. We will be visiting family Christmas morning and then heading on a short vacation. Don't worry, the house will be closely watched by a street full of vigilant neighbors and our cat sitters, so I feel ok talking about us being gone. We have "those" neighbors, where you hear rumors about yourselves that are based solely from people staring out their windows all day.

I am off of work and am mostly just straightening up the house and catching up on my beloved Netflix. Our nephew gave me a case of the head cold cooties (but he told me he loved me while doing so and that makes it all totally worth it!) Every age he has been, I say is my favorite, but him being 3 has been so fun. Our conversations about boogers and monsters make me laugh for days.

This is a busy week for John, since he is a manager at a grocery store. We all know how people like to eat during the holidays! He will be off of work from Thursday until New Year's Eve, so we are planning some fun stuff later this week.

We had a little adoption related trauma last week. Long story and maybe only traumatic to me, as it seems that I am fairly easily thrown by every little "close call" or "false alarm" and um, unfortunately "clerical error". We will make it through this, just like every other day of waiting for our baby to find us.

For now, Happy Holidays from us and our mini Christmas tree!

The Truth Is In The Turkey

Repeating in my head, attempting to convince myself: I am thankful, I am thankful, I am thankful. 

It is happening. Thanksgiving is upon us and we are still baby-less. Some deep breathing and then some searching for things to feel good about. Our family, check. Our home, check. Our jobs, check. Ok, those things feel good. Really good.

Repeating in my head: We can do this. We can do this.

It is really difficult to process how we should feel in this time. This limbo carrying over into the holidays. Last year we did our best to enjoy what we hoped to be our last holiday season as a family of two. We did the same the year before that. And the year before that. Do we set ourselves up for that thought again? THIS is the last holiday season just the two of us? Setting ourselves up for disappointment perhaps? It is basically impossible to celebrate without taking these thoughts into consideration.

Repeating in my head now: Relax Sarah, it is out of your control. Relax, relax, relax. 

Ugh, nope, still feel tense. My chest is heavy and tight. That feeling that comes along with dread. How do other people who are waiting to adopt get through this time that is supposed to be all cheerful and full of family traditions, food, and fun? I know how people who haven't waited long get through it. Been there. You just keep that feeling of hope in sight. What happens when that feeling seems so distant?

Repeating in the very back of my mind now: Stop contradicting yourself.

Always. We are always hopeful. We are always sure it will happen. It is the word "eventually" that gets placed after "happen" that makes the holidays so darn hard. I can say time and time again that the hope keeps us in the right mindset. It really does. We are dependent on that hope.

So what is on my mind now? 

Well, despite all of the stress of waiting and the unknowns and what ifs, we have so much to be thankful for. We are healthy, well fed (too well fed if I am going to be honest), and have a huge network of friends and family. We have our cats, who love us unconditionally. We have each other, which is the most important thing.

Our Thanksgiving traditions are being switched up a bit this year. Usually, my (Sarah's) family gets together and sometimes John's too if they have the opportunity and we eat and eat... and eat. Either traditional Thanksgiving fare or more recently we do brunch foods - quiche, fruit, potatoes. This year John and I are staying home and catching up on some house stuff and watching movies. We feel like we need an "us" day.

My dad and I try to run a turkey related 5k every year. This year the Acworth Turkey Chase 5k was on the 22nd, so it is out of the way. I might challenge myself to try to get at least that much in anyway, since we will have the whole day to fill up with activities.

Here are pictures of my dad and I at the Turkey Chase in 2013 and 2014. Hard to tell the two apart as we are literally wearing the same outfits in both. Guess you can't call us unpredictable!

 You know, it really is going to be ok. The wait completely and utterly sucks, but it will only make us cherish our child more when the time comes. We can tell stories of how hard we fought to create our family. We can look back and feel stronger for all of these trials and say that we did it!

Baby Farrar, we know you are out there. We are saving a place for you in our home and in our hearts. Hurry up though, there are only so many 5ks, bonspiels and trips we can take to distract ourselves from waiting for you.

Everyone, have a delightful Turkey Day and make a point to truly be thankful of what you do have rather than dwelling on what you don't.

World Adoption Day

Edited for clarity, because this is my blog and my perspective and apparently World Adoption Day has triggered some upset. All other perspectives welcome, but I will delete comments that are not productive or contain offensive language and accusations. REMEMBER, my perspective here, not speaking for the human race. I have no intentions of offending anyone, but I am leaving the post up.

Today is the first annual World Adoption Day. Created to celebrate all forms of adoption and all people involved in adoption... adoptess, birth families, adoptive families, and extended families and friends who have been touched by adoption. If you search #worldadoptionday on Instagram, your mind will be blown by all of the people participating and the stories behind the photos. The mission is to take a picture with a smiley drawn on the palm of your hand, take a picture, hashtag it and share. Simple right? Well sort of.. It is a simple way to show we support adoption. I know that not all people agree with this shiny happy way of doing this. Everyone has a story. I am choosing to spread the smiley, because this is my perspective on it so far in this process.

 All I can say, is that no matter how difficult this experience has been, I am so grateful to be a part of it. I am grateful to have met all of the wonderful people who are sailing along in the same boat as John and I. I am even more grateful for the birth mothers I have spoken to about their experiences. I am overwhelmed by the openness of friends who have come out of the woodwork to let me know that they were adopted to share so many differing perspectives with me. All of these experiences will only help me to be the best parent I can be to our child.

I am still feeling renewed in my hopefulness. This time of year is rough for hopeful adoptive parents. I have touched on this before... probably many times, but the holidays are rough when you expected this set to be enjoyed with your little one. We will get through it with the support of our friends and family and our adoption agency.

A few updates here that don't involve my emotions spewing forth. We are narrowing down a destination for Christmas. Probably Chattanooga or Blue Ridge. Somewhere close JUST IN CASE we get that call. We are new to the last minute list, so I don't think we are quite ready to stray too far, as we aren't settled in the hows and whens. We can't stay within 4 hours of home forever, so that is something we will have to become comfortable with over time. Looks like we might be attending another bonspiel for John's curling club in January. We have to talk about logistics and possibility of baby being in our lives and fun travel costs vs. adoption costs.

Let's see... another fun thing is that my friend Amy, sister in law Heather and I did the Esprit de She 5k at Piedmont Park on November 6th. They both kicked my butt, though I have legit reasons for hoofin' it slowly. There was an after party that was too crowded and just really too late, so we left and went to the OK Cafe for some quicker grub. I crave milk products after races, so I have a side of mac n cheese, which they are known for and a coke float. Don't judge me, I earned it! My time was officially 45:05 walking. Yeah, I walked it. I am missing some red blood cells in my blood right now, a common kidney transplant recipient trade off.. anemia. I wanted to be mad at myself for not being able to run long distances, but let's face it, I am a human with other people's kidneys in my body and I am still trying and succeeding. More than I can say for a lot of people with their original kidneys! Can't get too mad at myself.

This is Atlanta from the starting line. She can be quite the looker at night! 

All riled up to run or walk, whatevs.

I had to take this lovely little lady to the vet this morning. A shot of antibiotics and some very expensive food later, she is resting comfortably.  There was an embarrassing amount of yowling that had everyone staring at us in the parking lot and waiting room. She has quite the set of pipes on her.

Displeased to say the least.

So, happy "World Adoption Day" in the way we can celebrate the fact that women even have the option to place their babies in our society. Despite the issues with adoption in the US, it is much more difficult and often there are more unethical practices in other countries. We need reform in the US, particularly pertaining to open records for adoptees. We need national laws rather than state to state laws. We need more laws protecting both birth parents and adoptive parents. This is something I want to learn more about as time goes on. I am open to education on the topic if anyone wants to point me towards some resources.

In honor of world adoption day, please spread the word that we are still waiting to adopt through open adoption. Share our blog, our profile, tell your neighbors and complete strangers. We are level headed, normal and caring people who just want to have a family. 

Not looking forward to the weekend ending so this is fitting -- requisite Frank Turner song (I'll make fans of you all somehow):

My Kingdom For A Horse (errr Baby)

Okay, I am going to get a little emotional here. It's just going to happen and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I am going to be 100% honest, John gets the brunt of all of these crazy ups and downs I have had and continue to have in this adoption process. I am a terrifying erupting volcano of emotions spewing happiness and sadness and whatever else hits me randomly. This is not a lifetime affliction, it is an adoption specific condition I find myself in. John often comes home from work to find me in a puddle of my own despair and has to figure out how to pick me back up again.

I work really hard at finding ways to stay happy, despite our lack of success so far. I can tell myself again and again that we aren't outside of the average wait time yet or that everything happens when it is supposed to or even that the right person just hasn't come across our profile yet, but ultimately, that doesn't end the hurt that comes along the serious lack of any contacts from people considering us to parent their babies. Sure there have been contacts, but how do you count them as real when they end in so many questions?

There is this Frank Turner lyric that rings through my head when I have fallen all the way down to the bottom of my emotional state. It's from the song My Kingdom For a Horse and it goes:

So if I tell you all the little things that I think that I need, 
Will you tell me how to tell the world from the woods from the trees? 
Because I've been stuck inside my comforting familiar disease, 
And I need you now because I can't get out.

It really makes me think of John and I and the roles we have played in this adoption wait. I keep looking to him for clarity, because he is so level headed and rational. I am always wanting him to tell me exactly what I am looking at, since all I see is uncertainty and can't always seem to see the light at the end of this. I see the little things that individually make this whole thing seem so hard, like a Facebook news feed full of friend's kids in their Halloween costumes, baby showers I cannot bring myself to go to, the pregnant woman at the Thai restaurant demanding special treatment based solely on the baby on board and I fail to see that these are the good things in life. But they totally are.  

I get angry at the thought that for once in my life, something is too stressful to "smile and nod" through. I totally thought I was made of steel before this. Seriously. I thought I could get through anything with a little wine and dinner out with my friends and some exercise to burn off the negativity. This experience goes so far beyond that. The further we get into it, the more I see that John can't always pick me up when I am down, because he is down too. I see the changes in his demeanor and the changes in the way he looks at me when I am yet again discovered in that puddle of my own tears. The look of "yeah, I am there too".

We feel pretty left behind by our friends. We met so young and got married before pretty much all of our friends. We had the thought to adopt years before we tried to get pregnant and years before our friends started having babies. We fought through some fruitless fertility stuff and watched as our friends had baby after baby. Now we fight through adoption and watch as they celebrate holidays and birthdays and more babies being born with their families. We don't always get invited to things anymore, because we are childless. We have officially been left out and left behind.

We do know that it is going to happen. We do know that we will make superbly awesome parents. We do know that there actually is some sort of "fate" in how people are brought together and that will include our baby and our baby's first family. It's a matter of coming to terms with the fact that fate doesn't always happen on our watch.

This is a really harsh lesson in patience and self acceptance. Accepting the fact that you don't always deal with things with humor and strength is a lot harder than you would think. I am working on accepting the fact that it's ok to melt into your own little puddle and grieve, as long as you find a way to pick yourself back up at the end. I am learning that I have to pick John up too sometimes, because he can't always do all of that on his own.

There, I did it again. I wrote super sad and emotional blog post. I always say I wont do it again. I want to portray happiness and optimism. I also have always said I would stay true to how adoption really is. I wouldn't want to read someone's adoption blog and only see the glossed over happy bits. I would want to see the truth.

The truth is -- We are hopeful and optimistic. It sometimes is hard to let that shine through.

Happiness Is All The Rage

It took a few weeks too long, but I am starting to see the light in adoption again. I really wish I could explain in detail the things that have happened that took me down such a dark path psychologically, but it really is just too personal- not only to me, but to John and to possible other parties involved. Or not... that's the problem really. That was the struggle this last few weeks. Had someone really messed with my mind to such depths or was it all real? Was it something real that ended in true tragedy? We will honestly never know. Either way, I finally feel free from it. It will always be there and I certainly lingered on it too long.

The last few days, I have felt revitalized in this whole adoption process. I have been able to let myself picture what could be and accept that possibility that it could be just John and I again this Christmas. We are thinking of ways to make the best of it, like a trip or some unique way to celebrate. I think keeping busy is the best way to deal with all these "family" type of holidays. Sure, we have families and we usually spend holidays with them, but when you are working on yet another Christmas without the one thing you have been working towards, when you are celebrating another holiday saying "this could be our last one childless!" you can get disillusioned. I am not going to let that happen! I am not going to let this process dictate how I feel for the next 3 months.

So, this is how this "holiday gloom" is NOT going to happen. I have three 5ks in the next two months. One tomorrow, one November 6th and one on November 22nd. I am looking for December races, so suggestions are welcome. I still have plans to do more kickboxing, I just want to get my own kickboxing gloves, because - shared gym gloves... eewww. John was supposed to buy them for me for our wedding anniversary (um... waiting...). I am also taking a MOOC (massive open online course) via Colorado State University. The subject is exploring student affairs in higher education. So far it is just information I know from working in higher ed, plus some theory stuff. It is ungraded and go at your own pace. Nice to pass some time and read some student developmental theory at the same time.

You guys will have to ask John what his plan is. He is on his feet so much at work, I can say for sure that he wont be doing any races with me or punching any punching bags. He busies himself enough for 10 people, so I am sure he will get through this just fine.

My Friday sign off includes the following: It is exhilarating to feel hopeful and happy again after a month of feeling like I fell down a hole that had no bottom. I find myself grasping at every happy moment in fear that these feelings will slip away. I have a new outline for the book I have started and stopped multiple times. No wonder it takes authors 20 years to write one novel. I want to meet the following people in real life:

Frank Turner (ok, I did already, but he was blitzed. It doesn't 100% count)
Henry Rollins (Once stood near him at a concession stand, doesn't count)
David Sedaris, author
Stephen Fry, author
John Cusack, actor
John K Samson, musician
Any and all transplant recipients and living organ donors/families of deceased organ donors, because (insert heart here). No pun intended!

Don't judge me.

You know, they say that people are more willing to become organ donors if they know someone who is a transplant recipient. Now you all do, at least via interwebs. Just sayin'.

Question for readers. Any certain topics I should cover? Any new questions about adoption or anything else? I am getting some new questions "in real life" now that we have been waiting longer. Is a new Q&A in order? 

Celebrations

In the past, celebrating in December was limited to office parties and Christmas day.  This year we have more to celebrate and a pretty packed schedule.

Saturday we went to our nephew Henry's second birthday party.  It was more or less a family occasion, with the exception of a couple of friends and their son.  Their son is only a couple of weeks older than Henry, so they have known each other more or less since birth.  It is pretty cool to see their interactions change as they get older and more aware of each other.  Henry made out like a bandit on gifts.  He is really into Monster's Inc, so we got him Monster's University, which may or may not be a little beyond a 2 year old's comprehension.  All that really matters is that he gets to see Sully be silly apparently.  Last night at dinner Henry told us that Sully is "so dunny" (funny for those of you that don't speak 2 year old).

After the party, John and I went to a Christmas tree lot and debated buying a real tree this year.  We have always used fake ones in the past, mostly for ease and partially for cat reasons.  We decided to use the fake again this year and start the real tree tradition once we have a child.  We both have great memories of going to pick out trees before Christmas with our families.  We want our child to have those memories as well.  I want to get a wreath made out of Christmas tree limbs, so our house has that tree scent.  We went home and decorated the house for Christmas.  It feels so official now.  Guess that means I better get to Christmas shopping!  Giving out free hugs probably wont actually cut it.

I think the den turned out pretty good!

 

Sunday John had to work, so I woke up and watched a movie that we recorded during a free HBO preview.  It was Elizabeth, which is about Elizabeth I, who was the last monarch in the Tudor dynasty.  I like how the movie depicted the people to be more ordinary looking, unlike the HBO show The Tudors, which made everyone out to be models.  We all know that wasn't the case back when the hygiene was not so great! Sunday night, my brother Noah invited me over to have burgers.  I played barn animals with Henry before and after dinner and took a few pictures for John, since he couldn't join us.  

Tomorrow night is our adoption agency's Christmas party, then I have plans Wednesday to meet my friend's newly adopted son!  I cannot wait to meet him!  His arrival was sudden, but they had been working on the adoption process for quite a while.  I just couldn't be any happier for them.  Thursday is the office Christmas party and then celebrating the end of the semester of grad school with friends.  

A note to our awesome friends:  A lot of people are asking how they can spread the word on our adoption.  One thing you can do is share our iheartadoption profile or this blog on your Facebook page, twitter, personal blog, or whatever other form a social media you use.  If you know someone who is thinking of placing their baby, you can direct them to our profile or our agency, the Independent Adoption Center.  Links to both are on the right side of this page.  The toll free number is routed straight to my cell phone and we both check the email address sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com.  Even if we turn out not to be the adoptive parents for the expectant mother, maybe someone else at our agency would be a good fit.  Our agency also offers help to those who are still deciding what to do.  I can't say enough good things about the support they offer to us and expectant mothers.      

That pretty much sums up what has been going on and what this week holds for us.  December 9th already!

Organizing The Disorganized

Today as I was thinking about what to write about, I kept getting overwhelmed by all of the current disorganization in my life.  I couldn't seem to focus on one thought when so many things felt out of control around me.  In true Sarah fashion, I made a list.  I am the queen of lists.  Even my lists have lists.

I have a master list or approximately 100 things I would like to accomplish, both long term and short term.  I have had some incarnation of that list for about a year and half now and it is ever evolving.  The master list stays with me, reminding me that I have a drive to succeed and a strong urge to make something of myself.  Number one on that list has been and still is, wait for it.... have a baby.  I have crossed major things off of that list- lost a lot of weight, got into grad school, made my best time ever in a 5K, but that one item still sits there staring at me.  I feel like it wont be too long though.  I have a gut feeling and my gut has never done me wrong before.

John and I opened our adoption profile up more situations.  This means we are willing to look at adoption situations where the baby might be born dependent on drugs, have a slightly higher risk for certain health conditions and have a slightly higher risk for certain mental health conditions.  I couldn't imagine saying I wouldn't accept a baby who had a risk of a moderate health condition, since I am a person who has experienced one myself.  How could I say no to someone like me?  I am a healthy, productive member of society, who will likely live just as long as anyone else.  Why turn down an opportunity to raise a child, just because it may be more challenging?  If anyone can do it, it is John and I.

I feel good about our choice.  This doesn't mean we will be adopting a child who will be disabled forever.  We have the freedom to look at the scenario and say it isn't for us. No one ever knows what will happen to their child in the long run.  A healthy baby born from perfectly normal pregnancy can end up with health problems. 

Oh yes, I was talking about organization.  I spent the morning organizing my desk and pending paperwork.  I have a new list of things to clean and organize at home and a new short term goal list.  Lists make me feel calm.  I like having a plan of action! I love apps for my phone where I can set all types of goals.  I have runkeeper to set work out goals, fitness pal to set goals to eat healthy, banks apps to watch as I reach my savings goals, and games to beat old scores. 

The big plan this week is to finish my final exam for my class.  This will be the last thing I do for my first semester of grad school.  So happy it is over, but looking forward to starting next term.  John and I are then going to go all out for Christmas.  Hoping for a big tree, lots of baking cookies, and lights in the front yard.  We want to make it a good one this year, since hopefully it will be the last one that is just the two of us.  My nephew turns 2(!) on Saturday!  I really can't believe it. It seems like yesterday that I was at the hospital all  night waiting for him to be born.  Last Saturday he spent the afternoon at our house and talked our heads off.  From wiggly newborn to full, somewhat coherent, sentences.  It is absolutely amazing to watch him grow and learn.  He has more personality in his little finger than most people have in their entire bodies.

I am rambling at this point.  Here is to another successful Thanksgiving in the past and a very exciting 2 year birthday this Saturday! 

Optimism

Being optimistic is not always something that comes naturally to me.  It is something I have had to work hard for at times.  That being said, I have had an overwhelming sense of optimism lately.  Here are some thoughts on life!

Obviously, the adoption is first and foremost on my mind.  I feel certain that someone will come across our profile or this blog or find us by word of mouth and think we are the right match to raise her child.  Our willingness to participate in an open adoption is first for the child, then for the birth mother and lastly for us- though it is very important for us as well.  After reading a lot about how psychologically, open adoption is best for everyone in the adoption triad, I can't imagine doing it any other way.  At first it was hard to picture having another woman in my child's life.  After getting a greater understanding of the roles in open adoption, I see the benefits to all parties involved.

The open adoption agreement could be anything from pictures every few months to visits throughout the year.  If we adopt in the state of Georgia, the open adoption agreement is now legally binding. Any plan we make, we have to be willing to stick to.  This is why matching with the right person is so important.  Our agency (IAC) says that it is amazing how adopting couples and birth mothers find each other, like it was always meant to be.  I don't know if they are just trying to keep the morale of the hopeful adoptive parents up or what, but I do think it will probably be a lot like when you find your husband/wife/partner/best friend etc.  You just know.

On that note, I love having that feeling of certainty and perfection about John, our marriage, our life together.  We went to Asheville, NC earlier this week for one night to see a musician (Frank Turner of course!).  I started the trip coffee-less and grumpy.  I may have been a terror to have in the car for the 30 minutes I didn't have any caffeine.  After a night away, just John, myself and a ton of delicious Asheville treats, I couldn't imagine being grumpy towards him again.  It is great to just reconnect every once in a while.  He is so calm and patient, so loving, so understanding and he laughs at me when I get "hangry" (that is hungry-angry for those who are not down with the lingo!).  Who wouldn't love someone who takes their wife's hangry moments like a champ!?  That is my love.  Sorry ladies, I am keeping him forever.  Sorry John, if I just embarrassed you.

Tomorrow my dad and I are doing another 5k.  That is our thing now and I love that we get to do these together.  I will pretend that it is no big deal that my 60-something year old dad can beat my time.  I am going to try to run as much as I can, but my doctor told me that walking is better for my joints, because I have special joints.  That doesn't really deter me from wanting to prove that I can run though.  I'll play it by ear.

Next week is Thanksgiving and I still have not cemented any Turkey Day plans.  Thinking of just making a bunch of food and having a "drop by when you can" sort of day.  Assuming people don't mind reheating food if they wait all day to stop in.  I think when our family grows, the holiday traditions will pick back up.  It is hard when we have two sides to our family and my brother and sister-in-law have two sides to theirs.  There is only so much time in a day.  Once the baby is here, we can have those huge holiday celebrations where we invite everyone and eat until we can't hold our eyes open.

Man, I am even feeling a little optimistic about work right now.  Cubical dwellers unite! I haven't even finished my morning coffee yet, perhaps today will be a good day.

Feeling good  about life and our future!  Feeling like I might even finish the nursery soon!  It is about 80% complete.  Stay tuned for sneak peeks.