Thicker Skin

Light in the midst of darkness on my walk to work today.

I woke up feeling light-hearted today for the first time in a long time. I don't have a good explanation for it. I've been off of Facebook for a couple of days, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I have had to deal a lot lately with reconciling my feelings of jealousy and feelings of joy for friends either adopting quickly and/or before us or having many many contacts while we sit silent or get scammed again and again. It's a full time job processing those conflicting feelings. Maybe it's because I started my Frank Turner listening party at 5:30am this morning. That never hurts.

I'm going to be honest, I had kind of forgotten how it feels to be happy. I know, that sounds dramatic. There is a difference between moments of happiness- like when we have our nephew and he cracks us up- and just simply being happy in general. Man, I hope this lasts. I hope it isn't a total freak out that I am mistaking for elation. My chest is feeling relaxed for the first time in a while. It has just been so tight for, I'd say months. Is there fear that we will never adopt looming? Of course. Is there sadness that another day passed that was not the day we became parents? Of freakin course. Do I feel some grief trying to sneak in? Ugh, yes, but I'm fighting it.

We have to be the best version of us in order to be awesome parents, which I know we will be. This means not giving in to jealousy, despair, or anger at the process. Okay, so some people adopt right away and that isn't us. We will be stronger for it. We will love our child that much more, because we had to fight so hard for this. We've always had to fight hard for everything we have. We are at a place that the only thing we are fighting to achieve is parenthood. The rest has been settled. We can get through this one.

That's all I really have today. It's been hard to write. It's been hard to feel the things I've needed to feel. I have 3 blog posts that I wrote, but never published, because I've been too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy in this process.

May I always see the road rising up to meet me and my enemies defeated in the mirror behind. My adoption wait anthem: