End Of Year Wrap Up: Goodbye 2015

My Fortune. Yes, I'm listening.

A year and one day ago, I woke up and thought "this will be the year we become parents". My heart screamed with hope and excitement. I thought it would be crazy if we didn't, seeing that our profile is so open and that we put in our time to make it to "average" waiters (just about).

Spoiler Alert: We did not become parents in 2015.

Today is hard. I didn't expect it to be. It's official that 2015 was not our year. I got to the parking area at work and sat in my car for 30 minutes, debating whether or not I should go back home and get in bed. I listened to Frank sing about having a "Happy New Year" and considered grabbing my passport and getting on whichever flight took me out of the country fastest. My heart said "flee", but my brain said "keep holding on".

I struggle with which tactic to use. Do I run into 2016 with optimism? Positive that this will be our year? OR Do I tell myself not to expect anything to happen, so I don't feel so let down if it doesn't. 

It doesn't feel safe to think 2016 will be our year. It feels like setting ourselves up for failure. Is it possible to brainwash yourself into thinking it's over and it will never happen, just so perhaps one day IF it does happen, you can just be pleasantly surprised?

I'm upset that the word IF has entered my adoption vocabulary again. We said goodbye to that word when we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and move forward with adoption. But here it is, swimming around in my head again. If we ever adopt. If we can get through another a year of this. If someone sees us for who we are- good people, honest people, people who just want to be parents. People who will honor our open adoption and honor our kid's past, present, and future.

I wish I had taken today off of work. I wish I had pampered myself with good coffee, no alarm clock, and maybe movie tickets or a trip to a museum. I wish I had known that today would feel not so great.

My wish is to wake up tomorrow and be hopeful and positive and just know for sure that 2016 is our year. I wish to feel different tomorrow. A new year, a new perspective. Trying so hard to make that happen. I wish for 2016 to surprise me.

We need help to do this. 

Can everyone just tell at least one person today that John and I are waiting to adopt? Networking is key. We are waiting to adopt through open adoption. This means the mother of our child needs to be made aware of us and choose us. Open adoption means some sort of contact throughout the child's life.

I get an average of 120 views per blog post within the first 3 days of posting. If everyone who views this post today, tells one new person about us, 120 additional people would be aware and who knows if they know someone who is looking to place their baby with a loving couple.

I've lost faith in the fact that our agency will ever come through for us. I'm sorry to the people who work there who I really care about- who I know do all they can- but as a whole, I'm not seeing the light with them after all of this time and not much of anything to speak of. I sure hope I eat those words sooner than later. I will totally own up to it if I am wrong, but observation and experience is telling me otherwise.

So it's up to us. 27 months and counting and that's just the waiting to adopt part. Doesn't include the infertility part. We've come way to far to stop now.

Goodbye 2015. You were not my favorite year, but you did bring us vacations and fun times with friends and family.

Now for the one of the best things I saw on the internet in 2015. This brother and sister knocking this song way out of the park:

Christmas 2015: Part Two- Funsies

I'm ready for part two of my Christmas post. The last post was about feelings. Boo feelings! If you happen to like feelings though, here is a link : Christmas 2015 Part One .

This is not a feelings post. This is a what we have been up to and what we will soon be doing post.

As per my recent hiatus ending post noted, I saw Frank Turner again. Oh yes, I did indeed. Pictures below. I'm off of work this week, so there has been plenty of laziness and general hanging out.

John has been curling, and watching Everton play soccer, and working hard as usual.

The house is superbly decorated. Presents are wrapped and ready to be torn into (or bags peeped into, because wrapping got tedious, so I turned to the good ole gift bag.

Christmas cards are hung in our entry way. What I really love about our Christmas cards is that so many of them are pictures of families created through open adoption!

It is lifting my soul up to receive these cards from friends we have made during the adoption wait. Watch out, when we have our kid, our Christmas card photos are going to be epic.

Let's not forget the cards featuring friends and their pets! More fur please!

Our annual tin of Christmas cookies arrived from our friend Katie and her family. You may remember her from such blog posts as Vacation Recap: Philadelphia . 

Katie's cookies mean the start of Christmas. She may be thinking "Great, now I can never stop sending them!" No Katie, you cannot. Kidding, sort of. 

I particularly loved the card, which included a drawing by Xander, Katie and Anthony's 4 year old son. I believe he now fancies himself an artist and author of stick figure and worm family books.

We saw Star Wars on opening day. This is the only picture I took, because, well, I was sending it to another friend we met through our adoption agency who was also seeing it that night.

This is the freezing cold line to get in. Yeah, sure it was cold that night, but it won't be for Christmas! It's supposed to be 77 here on Christmas day. It's currently pouring rain here, with a risk of tornadoes tonight. It's not exactly holiday spirit inducing weather.






I know you are all waiting for my Frank Turner trip update!

So, here it is. My friend Jessica went with me to Nashville to see Frank. She had seen him open for (I think) Ben Folds years ago. She was the first person I have met who actually knew who Frank Turner is, so ya know, I kept her. That sounds creepy (she's in the basement..shhhh). Kidding. No, she's actually getting ready to fly to Italy. Whatevs. I'll just hang here in the 'burbs.

Anyway, we went to an instore performance at Grimey's in Nashville and like .. um.. met him and got his autograph and stuff... Yeah, I know, I have met him before. Trust me, it doesn't get old. He liked my shirt (*blush*). I may  have prematurely put my arm around him for our picture. Man, I can be awkward.

What's that? An autographed record? Mine! All mine!

Also, he said I my way of spelling Sarah is the best way and I was all like, yeah, totally, mumble mumble squirm. Because I am super smooth when talking to my music idols.

So, let me not leave out the part where a friend I made in the Frank Turner Army (it's a thing, ok?) Marisa is her name, got us wrist bands to make this possible. It was a know a girl who knows a guy type of deal. I am so thankful to Marisa and her friend!

Then we went to the actual show. It was at 3rd and Lindsley, which was a really awesome venue. We squeezed our way to the front and I sang/screamed/yelled/jumped/danced/sweated my face off.

I no longer have a face. 

I think Jessica is hooked now. It's contagious, that Frank Turner bug.

Ok, I'm stopping with the Frank Turner fan review. Let's talk about my onesie addiction. My name is Sarah and I have a onesie addiction.

If I see a cool, cute, or funny onesie, it will belong to my yet to exist baby. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe I just like to be prepared!

If you hear of a good onesie sale, you know where to find me. Merry Christmas future baby, you are already well dressed.




Well, that's my picture collection for this entry. If you follow us on Instagram: Our Account, you probably have seen most of these already. If you don't - Surprise! Pictures!

It is the Eve of Christmas Eve and I am home alone. John is working, making sure all of you have your ingredients for Christmas dinner. Tomorrow night we will have lasagna and monkey bread and celebrate our Christmas together.

Christmas day we will brunch at my parent's house and marvel at how funny our nephew, Henry, is. How big and smart and wonderful he is. Then we will drive to see John's mom and sister and eat some more, as people do on Christmas. We will chat on the drive up and back about how maybe... just maybe next year there will be three of us. Then hesitate, because maybe not. We don't know.

Tonight though, I am writing for you and for myself. For our future child to know how much we loved him or her before we ever set eyes on our perfect baby.

For now I will watch Love Actually eight times and Bridget Jones' Diary three, maybe four times, because there is no such thing as too much young Collin Firth or too much living abroad in your imagination. I'll wait eagerly for John to get home tonight. To torture him with said chick flicks and spend what is left of this holiday, just the two of us.

The lightning outside seems too close for computer comfort, so I'm signing off. From our hopelessly hopeful family of two to your family, Happy Holidays!

Christmas 2015: Part One- Feelies

There are things we are going to talk about here and things we will not- like how much sugar I have consumed this week. No good. I'm splitting my Christmas post into two posts this year. This is the one in which I share the struggle. The next one I will share the fun, which we definitely are having.

What I want to talk about right now is waiting to adopt during the holidays. For me, it is the hardest time of the year to still be waiting. I tend to mark our wait with how many holidays have passed. This is our third Christmas waiting to adopt and our well, seems like forever waiting to be parents together.

This week is the hardest week of the year for me. John is a produce manager, so he works like crazy the week or so before Christmas. In fact, this week he is closing every night. I'm off this entire week. I've been off of work since Friday, trying to distract myself from loneliness and sad adoption thoughts. It is hard to get through this week without him. Sure, he is close enough that he is coming home for dinner each night, I see him in the morning, and I just saw him on my grocery trip to get brunch supplies for Christmas morning, but it's not really the same as spending off days together.

I'm making the best of it. I had dinner with a friend last night. I spent this morning and afternoon shopping and eating with my sister in law Heather and our nephew. I've been out shopping nearly every day since Friday, since time kind of raced forward and I was/am so behind buying presents.

Netflix is my holiday best friend. Our cats are super happy to have a warm lap to sleep on.

The fact remains though, that we are still waiting. We are trying hard to smile through another Christmas childless. It's not that we don't love Christmas together, it's just that we've been there, done that.

The baby's room is ready. I have shopped my way through all of the funny and cute onesies I can find. I want to play Santa Claus. I want to take our kid to all of the fun Christmas things our city has to offer. I want to be sitting around the house, dressing up baby in his or her Christmas gear and wait for John to get home to make him laugh. To surprise him with cookies the kiddo and I made together. To run around the corner to see John at work with our baby in tow.

2015 is almost over and I have accepted the fact that we will not be adopting this year. It would be a miracle if we did. I'm no longer willing to say 201_ (fill in the blank) will be our year to become parents. It's unsafe for my emotional well being to say those things. We've been saying it for years and for years it has not happened.

This is not a sad post, this is an honest post. Christmas brings mixed emotions. A deep pain is hanging in the air, reminding us that we are still not parents. Also though, there is love and excitement for a holiday with our families.

I've lost faith in the process for now. I know it will probably happen eventually, but I feel like it is us who will have to make it happen. We have had one single contact from someone thinking of placing her baby through our agency in 27 months (we will hit 27 months tomorrow actually, but who's counting right?). Anyway, ONE through them, the people we gave our money and trust to help us. It is disheartening. All of our other contacts have been our own doing. Through our own networking and people like you, dear readers of this blog (if there are any left with my slacking). Edit: I remembered that we have actually had two expectant mom contacts through our agency. Two in 27 months. Fantastic. Sarcasm. 

My Christmas wish is for this to work out for us. For us not to spend another Christmas next year wondering when or even if. I remember when we stopped trying to get pregnant, we thought now it's when and not if anymore. But now it feels like if again. If. Ugh.

I am a sliver of hopeful. Just a sliver today.

Reinventing What Waiting Is

Hey, is anybody still out there?

Well, it's December 3rd and I haven't blogged in over a month. I've gone back and forth about whether I'm ready to get this going again. There were a lot of positives about taking some time off of adoption. I mean, you never really take time off from the adoption wait, we were still waiting, still hoping, still doing some networking here and there. I guess it was more like taking time off of the extreme emotions that come along with waiting to adopt. A month of pushing it out of my head as much as possible.

Updates? Ok. We had a couple of contacts that appear to have fizzled out. It's hard not to overthink everything you said, wondering if something came across wrong, wondering if you ruined it. I mean, I don't think that is the case, but it's always something I will wonder about. The fact is though, nothing can be done about it. I'm pulling myself up and moving on.

We have about 300 pass along cards if anyone is interested! Email me sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com . I mailed out about 200 to friends last month (thanks friends!).

Enough adoption news. ENOUGH! Let's get to the fun part.

We have spent the last month having adventures. I've done some of them without John, because the holidays generally mean he works A LOT #producemanagerlife. Yep, I just hashtagged in the blog. What is happening to me!?!?!

Waiting to adopt doesn't have to be sitting around wondering why not us? When will it be our turn? Waiting can be a time to do all the things that will be too hard to do once you have baby demanding your every minute

Without further ado, here are the tales of adventure.

I saw Free Throw (link to their site) at the Masquerade with our friend Stephen! A) Free Throw is awesome. Clangy, buzzy, emo, punk-ish. I just made those descriptors up. Opinions may vary. B) Stephen is also awesome. He is one of our #1 supporters in this adoption process. He was the best man at our wedding and is a friend extraordinaire.

Also, someone puked at this show. Front and center. The crowd parted like the red sea. No thanks.

We ate at Ponce City Market beforehand at Farm to Ladle, which was delish. Fresh, fast, unique. Important to note for Atlantans or people visiting, King of Pops does pops (that's KOP for popsicle) dipped in chocolate at Ponce City Market.

John and I saw Glen Hansard (linky) at the Buckhead Theatre. This was sort of a dream come true for me. My favorite movie is Once, which is how Glen entered my music library. He has come through Atlanta a few times, but never when we could go.

A maybe too jolly opening act, t-shirt purchase, and one gin and tonic later, we had our minds blown by Glen himself. He opened unaccompanied by any instrument, in the dark. Chills. I do love me a musician with a beard and guitar.

Let us not forget what the Buckhead Theatre used to be.. Goodbye Roxy, you will not really be missed. Sticky, old, metal folding chairs... Nope. You even made Henry Rollins screaming about republicans less fun, which is hard to do! The Buckhead Theatre is nicely redone- comfy couches, unique touches all around. Would return.

Just this past Monday (11/30) we saw David Bazan (linky dinky doo) .

We saw him in a random living room in Marietta. GA. Let's just say I only felt the pain of sitting cross legged on a wood floor a few times in the hour plus that he played. It was simply one of the best musical experiences of my life thus far.

He would play a few songs and the open it up to questions from the audience. Obviously, being in someone's living room, the audience wasn't that big, so it was very intimate. John asked two questions. There were cameras filming for a documentary, so we may end up in it!

I guess this happened before my little hiatus and I may have already written about it. I can't even remember! John and I went to our friend's wedding. We got all gussied up and ate like 4 kinds of cake. Superb.

Congratulations to Carla and Scott! May your life always be filled with cake buffets and ice cream sundae bars!

I spent some time having taco and margarita nights with friends. Luckily, just about every friend I have is up for tacos and margaritas. Some of which are waiting to adopt as well. Visit http://www.iheartadoption.org/ to see our profiles. Ours first though ok? We've been waiting the longest. Seems fair (in my head). Of course, so far we have learned that adoption is not exactly fair. To anyone. We do the best we can.

Jalapeno margarita anyone?

Yeah... sorry about the random depressing thought!

In happy news, my dad and I did our annual Turkey Chase (And yearly terrible selfie. It's a tradition now). We hadn't done a race together since last year's Turkey Chase. Usually we do 3 or 4 a year, but we both had a lot going on.

This race is one of my favorites, because it's colder in November and I kind of hate sweating and it's fairly flat and scenic. The lazy person's race.

Our extremely talented friend, Katie, made another hat for our future child. She knows my weak spots- cats and tiny baby things.

Katie is another super supportive friend as far as our adoption wait goes. You may remember her from our trip to Philly over the summer.

We made it through living together in our early twenties, so I think it's safe to say we are friends for life.

I'm sure I left some adventures and fun stuff out. I wasn't planning on writing today, but I finished my grad class for the semester and I'm all caught up at work. I figured why not get it out there.

Our tree is up (yeah, we went fake, despite my declaration of wanting a real one). Our stockings will be hung shortly. We are having a small holiday party with friends we met who are also waiting to adopt in just over a week.


OH MAN. How did I forget... my friend Jessica (also waiting to adopt) and I are driving to Nashville next week to see Frank Turner! I mean, did you really think I could have a come back blog post without mentioning Frank. hahaha! Silly people! I CANNOT WAIT. Capslock level excitement.

So there we have it. Updates. Busying ourselves. Hoping that since hardcore networking has not brought us a baby that possibly ignoring it will? Is there magic in booking nonrefundable trips and buying tickets to shows? If you want to see something bad enough, will the adoption happen to thwart it?  We can only hope.

I want to be a mom. John wants to be a dad. I never thought those urges would become so strong. We are ready! As always, thanks for reading. We are hopelessly hopeful as ever.

Blog Hiatus, But Never Giving Up

I've been toying with the idea of a hiatus.

No, not giving up on adoption. Just letting myself slack on the blog, the facebook page, etc..

It's so important that John and I enjoy who we are as a childless couple before we finally become parents. I've been in a probably unhealthy place of thinking we can't be truly happy until we adopt. It's skewed thinking, because we have been happy the entire time we've been together. We have always been able to fill our lives with fun and joy as childless people. Those days are limited now, as we could be parents any time now. The phone could ring today for all we know.

So here is my plan. The blog, which I love, is an aspect of the adoption wait that has at times caused a great deal of stress. I am going to take a few weeks (maybe more) off of writing for this blog and see how it feels. I have other writing assignments for other sites I need to focus on and a big project due for graduate school.

You can find me uploading pictures of food, cats, crazy skies and way too much coffee on our Instagram account: https://instagram.com/johnandsarahadopt/ (I use this more often than other adoption accounts we have) and the occasional share on our Facebook page: John and Sarah Adopt Facebook Page .

I would love to write on this blog every day if I could get my head in the right place to only write about baby room progress, exciting vacations, and well, all things living life- and maybe this break is what I need to find that inspiration.

Last time I took a few weeks off, I lost quite a few readers and it took a while to get the numbers back. I'm hoping you guys bear with us. There needs to be some heart healing and inspiration before we get the blog up and rolling full speed.

I can't wait to come back with news of holiday fun and some things I have planned for the baby's room!

WE ARE STILL WAITING TO ADOPT! There will be no hiatus on that. Never giving up!

If you are reading and want to contact us, we are available through:

email: sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com
text: 408-414-7245
call us toll free: 866-707-5959

Or use the contact form on the right side of this blog.

We are ever hopeful that our dream of becoming parents through open adoption will come true soon.

Signing off for now.

I Am Skinless. I Am Raw.

I am in love with a child I've yet to meet. I am in love with the idea of a child I may never meet. I am terrified of that thought. 

These are the words I tell myself when either someone else we know adopts or a possible match for us falls through:

You are not good enough. You are not pretty, fun, smart, thin, ANYTHING enough. Not enough.

But this is not okay. This is not what teenage me overcame self-esteem issues for, or what a functional adult tells herself. The adoption wait is hard. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. It’s not you! It’s not me or John or anyone for that matter, it just is. 

I hate the word “just”. In our battle with infertility people would often say “just adopt” or “just hire a surrogate”. There is nothing “just” about any of these paths. They are filled with trials, grief, and financial hardship. In this case, I think the word just is acceptable. It just is what it is. It’s a hard pill to swallow. It doesn't make it okay or more tolerable.

We have done all we can outside of hiring a facilitator who will charge us thousands for who knows what level of ethical behavior. We have accounts on just about all social media, I keep this blog, we have networking cards, we redid our letter with a professional designer. Our letter goes out often from IAC due to how open our profile is. Despite our efforts, here we sit two plus years later, waiting.

Wondering if we will ever be parents. 

I know there is nothing wrong with us. (I wrote that and felt a twinge of “but is there?”) No Sarah, stop it. We are young, healthy, fun, educated people. We are ideal for this. We have more love in our pinky fingers for our future child than there is love in the rest of the entire world. 

My heart hurts. Literally. There is a heavy deep ache in my heart where our child belongs. It’s been there since May. I can remember the first moment I felt it- after the nearadoption fell apart. I miss feeling lighthearted. I miss being my goofy self. I’m now serious and solemn. There is a darkness following me around. I miss the person I used to be before I knew this level of grief. My chest hurts and my guts are in a constant state of being twisted. 

I want to call up our agency and beg them for the answers. Tell us what we are missing! Tell us what we can do to make this happen! Tell us the secret to it all! I'm not surviving this and I need answers. (FYI, there are no answers). 

Friends and family don’t know what to say to us anymore. See: What We Need: A Guide if you have that problem. Invitations to events with our friend’s kids are dwindling, because no one wants to hurt us. Honestly, sometimes that’s a good thing. There are days I could snuggle my friend’s kids for hours and then there are days that the thought of being around children makes my entire body ache in longing to be a mom. Nephew excluded- nephew time welcome all day, every day. He makes my heart feel joy and love and all things light and wonderful about the world.

The problem is no one, not even myself knows what version of my adoption world I will wake up to each day. A Facebook post from a friend about her successful adoption (Yay...and cue to the self criticism). It's not under my control. I feel selfish, but it happens without my permission.

I am skinless. I am raw. My nerves are exposed and the world is poking at them with sharp fingernails. I wear my grief on the outside of my body these days. I have cried until I just don’t have any water left in my body to cry.  It’s apparent and ugly and drives people away. Please stay strong for us, please understand it’s not intentional. Please stick around for the end of this, as I believe the finale will be remarkable.

Until you have walked in our shoes, you just don’t know. Until you have wanted something this bad and had it dangled just out of reach, you can’t judge. There is no grief like feeling like you have a hole in your soul that may never be filled.   

This is the point in the daily adoption emotional roller coaster that I feel a little better. I got some stress out by writing this post. Some steam has been let out, I'm letting myself fantasize about "what if". Feeling a little exposed for what all I wrote, but I'll probably publish it anyway, because my goal is to be completely transparent. I'll blast my headphones as I work to drown out my own judgments of myself.  I'll stress about any judgments that may be flung my way and then scream away those judgments to music or maybe just a nice long stress relieving scream in the car. Yes, that would feel good.  

I Am Invincible-ish

Yargh.

It's the pirate's life for me.

No, well, it's the suburban Atlanta life for me. It's that life that mostly suits families with kids. I even bought a four door car. See? Prepared.

Gary and Neal at Carmax in Kennesaw were superb. They even put a bow on it for me. I named her Momo. Stands for Mom Mobile. High hopes, people.

My little Hyundai did me a solid the day I went to trade it in by flashing some warning lights on the dash. It didn't want me to feel bad about kicking it to the curb.

My dad made sure that me parking at Georgia Tech was properly protested. Let's hope no one keys my car over it!

She's roomy, she's got a backseat built for cramming kids in (that's how you do it right? Cram them in?). I'm so on top of this parenting thing. 









I feel like I am at a constant loss for words these days. I know, weird right? It doesn't matter the subject, I sit there and feel like I can't respond. Unless you are arguing with me about whether or not to get the flu shot (don't get me started, but yes, get the flippin flu shot), I feel kinda blank.

I had a really awful phone call from someone the other day. A bait and switch adoption professional. They call and present an expectant mom to match with, but really there is no expectant mom. They want you to pay their insane fee, then after that they will tell you that woman chose another family, but we will match you in mere days "guaranteed!" Yeah, I'm on to you. I am not new to this, I am not uneducated on this.

I admit, I reacted poorly. I was angry. I may or may not have dropped the F bomb loudly at work when I hung up. I may or may not have ranted on my personal Facebook page. I definitely screamed in the car. Well, I definitely did all of those things.

It just feels like you can't trust anyone anymore. Guilty until proven innocent is how it feels sometimes. Every call or email feels like and usually is someone trying to pull one over on you. I've always been very cynical. I'm used to seeing the world through cynical eyes, but adoption has really made me wary of just about everyone. Wary and weary.

I want the world to give us some proof that we can trust people again.

Despite all of the weird things that have happened over the last two years, we are going strong. We have some level of hope at all times that we will be parents before too long.

I'm mailing out our adoption networking pass along cards today and tomorrow. We have nine people in six states willing to pass them along. If you want some, comment or message us. I can send them anywhere in the US. We would so appreciate it! Even if you live down the street from us, we can cover the same territory! Even if you just want one to have our information on hand. I will mail you just one!

Examples of what I have done with them: I hand them to baristas, waiters, our car salesmen, and even coworkers have offered to hand some out. Friends, family, coworkers, strangers... all working for the cause. The cause being "Help build the Farrar family". Love. Love all of you.

Song of the day. This was easily my least favorite song on Frank's new album at first. Now I'm obsessed with it. Obsessed. I know, shocking.

Fire In Our Bellies

"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous


I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?

Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.

It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.

About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.

Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.

Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?

I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.

Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight. 

This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have. 

The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?

It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.

In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.

What We Need: A Guide

On Wednesday, September 23rd we will have been waiting two years "live" with our adoption agency The Independent Adoption Center.

Since apparently it is hard for most people to understand and relate, let me tell you what we need as far as support.

If you no longer know how to support us, just ask. 

What do we need? We need you to help us network. If it can come up organically in a conversation, tell your friends, coworkers, doctors, and plumbers about us. Tell your mail person, your hairdresser, your yoga teacher, that neighbor you only see on trash days.

If you don't know what to say to us anymore, here are some lines you can use.

"We are so excited for you to become parents through adoption."
"We love and support you."
"I don't understand what you are doing. Can you please explain?"
"Wow, waiting can really suck sometimes."
"Do you need a hug?" (yes, please)

The stuff you should probably avoid

"Wow, you have waited so long!"
"Why do you think you guys have been waiting so long?"
"What is wrong that you haven't adopted yet?"

Things you should be aware of:

Your face going blank and eyes glazing over when I say the word "adoption".
Yawning and squirming when I say anything about adoption.
Abruptly ending conversations when I say anything about adoption.

If you don't want to hear about it anymore, you should probably not hang out with me. This is my life. This is my brain on adoption.

I realize that only people who are going through it or have been through it can truly relate. I really do.

It will always be new, shiny, and exciting to us. Each day is different. Contacts, no contacts, close calls, dead silence. We learn new perspectives from birthparents who already placed babies, people who have already adopted 1,2,3 times, other waiting families and even friends and strangers who are adoptees. It's an ever evolving process. You can never learn enough from the people directly involved in the adoption triad (birthparents, adoptees, adoptive parents).

I want you to want to shop for baby stuff with me. I want you to buy the things you see and dream about buying for our baby. It wont jinx anything. I want you to bring the adoption up in casual conversation and dream about names, vacations, and holidays with me. Dream about our child's first day of kindergarten, first dance, high school graduation, our child's future children and so on.

We are okay. We are stronger than this struggle. This is an exciting time. Please celebrate with us.

At two years waiting, this is what we need: Your enthusiasm.

New Profile = New Hope

I had this long, detailed post written up about us hitting the two year mark in our adoption wait, but I really just think it's all been said before.

The summary: Waiting sucks, but it will be worth it. 

The long version is more eloquently written of course. I may edit and post it in a few days. I'd rather have a positive train of thought today.

First thing first, we had our adoption profile redone by a designer! This is the paper profile (PDF available too) that goes out when a prospective birth mother calls into our agency and does intake (basically inquiring about adoption and waiting families). If she decides she wants to look at profiles, they will send her all of the portfolios of waiting families that match her search criteria (such as married, living in the southeast etc) and of course the family's openness of their profile effects whether they go to her as well.

We are in love with the new design!

The front cover...

Featuring our cats, which we think is hilarious. The colors were inspired by a poster I have at home and a pair of shoes I saw online. I'll let you use your imagination as far as whose poster inspired me (ahem, super fan alert). If you read this blog often, you already know. I just have no shame anymore.

 The inside pages...

I love how much movement it has. Our nephew is featured heavily in this. It's not like we don't know other kids, but we always forget to take pictures with them when we hang out!

Doesn't matter, because our nephew is cute as cute can be.

The back...

More cats. Shocked? No, I'm not either. I guess if someone doesn't like cats, we are not likely to be contacted by her anyway. 

We really feel that this profile is more "us". We didn't realize over two years ago that we could push to have more of what we think represents us. Our agency really tends to edit families down until they all look alike. They say to show what makes you unique, but then all of that uniqueness gets taken away in the approval process.

Can you imagine receiving 250 profiles that more or less look the same and having to choose a family out of the stack to parent your child? Sounds next to impossible to me.

In other news, we celebrated John's birthday yesterday. There was cake and burritos, some TV, some feelings of extreme love and random exclamation of how happy I am that he was ever born and put in my life. Seriously, overwhelming feelings of love. I would like to thank John's parents for his existence. He's such an awesome husband and I have no doubt that he will be even a better dad.

I'm in full swing with grad school. I 99.9% finished my second project of the semester last night. It's a great distraction from "the wait". I had many moments of wondering why I'm putting myself through more school as I was neck deep in this project, but just like adoption, in the end it will be worth it.

Our 8th wedding anniversary is October 6th! So much has happened in those 8 years. I met John when I was 21 and he was 22. I feel like we have literally become adults together. Not that at 21/22 year old people aren't adults, but it's like we grew up into more adult adults- adultier adults- in the past 14 years. We did it together.

I've also started a new list of goals. I used to have this 100 things to do in 1000 days list, but some things like travel abroad probably wouldn't happen in that time frame due to adoption. Totally fine. I made a new list with no time restriction. It is everything from finish my M.Ed. to paint the dining room to remember to wear my glasses. I'm putting five out here today, so I will hold myself accountable:

1. Blog at least once a week
2. No, seriously, remember to wear my glasses!
3. Send more snail mail
4. Take infant CPR
5. Adopt (obvs)

Ok, there it is for now. Until next time!