Fire In Our Bellies

"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous


I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?

Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.

It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.

About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.

Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.

Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?

I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.

Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight. 

This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have. 

The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?

It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.

In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.

Donate Life Month: How Organ Donation Is Helping To Make Me A Mom!

Here is a semi off topic post. But really it is also about adoption in a way.

You see, April is Donate Life month and I am a two time kidney transplant recipient.Thanks to two living donors, my mom in 1999- when I was only 19, and my brother in 2010, I will get to be a mom through open adoption some day. In fact, I have three friends who are transplant recipients AND adoptive moms! Talk about motivation! I guess this is kind of a "me" centric post, but for a good reason. To put a face to transplantation. To show what kind of life you can give someone by being an organ donor. Being a living donor, or by registering to be an organ donor after your time is up, saves lives.

Thanks to two living donors, I get to live a healthy and quite normal life. Without them, I would be sick at best. It would be really difficult to pursue adoption and be a mom. Could it be done? Of course, but without having my health it would be more of a struggle. Without them, John and I would not be where we are today.

My mom, me, my brother Noah at the 2014 NKF Kidney Walk

Our first walk ever as Team Walking Beans in 2008!

I love organ donation and all things transplant. I love donors and their families, recipients, people waiting for transplants, and the people willing to be educated about transplantation and being an organ donor. And.... I  really love stats! Here are some stats, taken from donatelife.net:

Currently, nearly 124,000 men, women and children are awaiting organ transplants in the United States. For specific numbers visit unos.org

• Approximately 71,219 Multicultural Patients*
• Approximately 1,911 Pediatric Patients*
• 28,953 Organ Transplants Performed in 2013
• 14,257 Organ Donors in 2013
• More than 47,000 corneas were transplanted in 2013
• More than 1 million tissue transplants are done each year and the surgical need for tissue has been steadily rising.
*as of January 2015

Because of organ donation, I have a chance to be the best version of myself. To show that transplant doesn't stop you from being a regular human being, but it does motivate you to be an exceptional human being. To show that you can accomplish just as much as anyone, if not more, after transplant. That giving up is never an option. Because you can go on to finish college, have a career, ADOPT A BABY and live an excellent, fulfilling life.

You can:

Graduate from school

Run races!

Look at old pictures of you and your donor and think "wow, that kid grew up to do something wonderful!" (nom nom nom ...hand!)

Get married!

Do your part to help other transplant recipients and raise awareness! (My dad!)

Show off your awesome scars! (If you can't tell, that is my lower left and middle abdomen and hip bone).

Fall completely in love with being an aunt!

And dream every day and every night of when you get to put your own little one down to sleep in this nursery.

I am thankful. I am overwhelmingly happy that I get to be a mom soon, because I am healthy. Thanks to organ donation, my dreams will come true and goals will always be met. 

This year's NKF Kidney Walk is on May 30th. It takes a very small amount of your morning to come out and walk with us. Join our team, Team Walking Beans here: My personal walk page! All funds raised go to the National Kidney Foundation. Their programs educate the community and support patients with kidney disease.

What I am saying here is, you can make a difference by signing up to be an organ donor. You can change lives and even save lives. For more about how I feel about kidney transplant and our adoption read You have a what? Whoa.

Those Happy Little Moments

There are a lot of really happy and exciting moments in the adoption wait. Last night as I was trying to sleep, i realized that I never really share that sort of thing on the blog.

These are my favorite "adoption wait" moments:

When you find that perfect onesie by chance and add it to your stash of perfect onesies.

When you have flashes of what it will be like meeting your baby for the first time.

When your email is loading and you imagine an email from an expectant mother will pop up saying "let's get to know each other better!"

When a strange number shows up on your phone and for a split second you imagine it being THE CALL

Tiny sock collecting... TINY SOCKS!

Sitting around talking about baby names. Laughing at each other over most of them and then that hmmm moment... put it on the list! 

When you mention it to near perfect strangers and they have an adoption story. Thank you Starbucks drive thru lady... you have no idea how much that made me smile.

Imagining playing Santa Claus and sneaking gifts under the tree late at night.

Imagining that new Christmas stocking hanging on the mantle. Then imagining filling it with tiny toys, chocolate reindeer and the requisite socks and undies.

Designing the nursery. Making it soothing and calm and absolutely perfect.

A work in progress of course!

Having a mini movie play in your head about how you will announce to friends and family that baby is here! You know, just in case they don't hear you beaming from the hospital.

When your friends ask how it is all going and you can say "sure it is hard, but we are making it."

When you are hanging out with your friends and they start giving your recommendations on baby stuff. It makes it SO REAL.

Developing a stash of baby supplies! WE ARE SO READY.

Having our almost 3 year old nephew finally decide he wants us to have a baby more than a horse. True story.

The amazing friendships you make with other people in the adoption community. Trying not to scream YOU GET ME! YOU REALLY REALLY GET ME!

Picturing your spouse snuggling a baby, calming a screaming baby or even getting pooped on. Dreamy! Amiright?!

Dreaming of finally putting Yoda hat on baby instead of Waffles the cat.

Good things are coming everyone. We may not know a specific day or even month or year, but good things are coming. Our adoption agency's holiday party is on Tuesday, so we are really looking forward to hanging out with our adoption friends and possibly making some more.

This weekend our nephew Henry turns 3. Three years of watching him grow and develop his amazing little personality. He has perfect comedic timing and endless energy. He and I once had a 20  minute conversation about how peanuts are made into peanut butter. It ended with him saying "and peanuts make cookies crunchy". Words to live by, little man. We love this kid more than we can say in words.

Newborn Henry:                                                                                  Almost 3!

Happy Birthday Henry Huggybear!

We Could Insist On The Impossible

Keeping busy during the adoption wait is vital to our mental stability.  I have mentioned in previous posts that John is in the Atlanta Curling Club (it is an ice sport, not curling like with weights... ahem..LJ, I am looking at you.)  John also sorta kinda has a band... long story?  Or short story that I don't actually know?  No story at all maybe?  Music is occasionally played in our basement.  That is all I know!

I have tried all sorts of things to keep busy.  I started yoga a couple of months ago, but not in a class setting, though I would love to find the right class. For now I am using doyogawithme.com and Yoga With Adrienne on Youtube.  Yoga isn't easy people.  Maybe it's just me, but I can really work up a sweat with these videos.  I just found a 30 day yoga challenge on Youtube, so I am going to challenge myself to stick with it for 30 days straight.  You know how there are those days where you get home from work and you just want to eat and watch TV in your jammies?  Or you want to sleep that extra 30 minutes after your alarm goes off?  Yeah, that isn't going to happen for 29 more days!  I can't wait to feel the difference from day 1 to day 30. 

Once it cools off a little, I want to restart C25K or "couch to 5k" for those of you who aren't down with the lingo.  Man, I do love my couch though.  I think next time we should buy a less comfortable couch, so I don't feel the magnetic pull of relaxation.  There is a 5k that I like to do in Smyrna in October called the Spooktacular Chase.  This will be my third year and I would love to cut my time down a little.  John doesn't like to do 5ks, but he works on his feet, so I get it.  He goes and hangs out with our nephew while the rest of us do the race.  This 5k winds around my brother's neighborhood and I will admit that jogging past his street on that last stretch is the hardest!  You picture the couch, the air conditioning, the bathroom!  I have forced myself to finish each time though. Finishing a 5k as someone who would have considered herself disabled by kidney failure only a 5 years ago, feels amazing.  Walking, jogging or running, it doesn't matter. It is all about finishing.  

I also have been working a little on the nursery.  There isn't a lot I can do until we know boy/girl, single birth/twins etc.  I do get tired of buying gender neutral everything, even though I don't really believe in enforcing gender stereotypes.  There is only so much yellow, green and gray you can buy!  Why must so many blue things say "little man" and pink say "princess".  It's 2014 after all!  What I did do lately is add a nightlight, Peter Rabbit to go with the crib bedding.  Thanks Pottery Barn Kids coupon!  I also bought a basket to store diaper related stuff that will go the changing station dresser.  I washed everything we have so far, just in case!  Do any other waiting families do kind of superstitious things?  Like, I thought to myself one day that if I wash the bedding and newborn stuff, I will demonstrate to the world that we are ready and baby will find us.  Or when we were going on our last trip, I was at the grocery store getting road snacks and I just felt the extreme need to buy something for baby and in my head it was like a lucky charm or something.  I bought a bottle and it wasn't lucky.  Obviously, impromptu baby supply shopping will not make it happen, but you start letting those thoughts slip in.

Corner of the nursery.  Details to be added once baby is here Extra furniture will be gone too..

It's so easy to start playing games in your head.  The wait will do that to you... make you a little weird.  You start thinking things like, of course we haven't been matched yet, we have dishes building up in the sink... we have yet to prove that we are good enough to be parents!  Silly things like that.  Of course parents let their dishes pile up sometimes.  Everyone does.  Of course there are no adoption gods watching the size of our laundry pile or measuring the amount of veggies we eat.  The truth is there is no rhyme or reason as to when that fateful day happens and you meet the woman who will trust you enough to raise her child.  There is no agenda for this process, just an outline with many variables.  There is no visible finish line ahead, just a lot of hurry up and wait.  Hurry up and get cleared by the FBI, the GBI, sex offender registry, child abuse registry, doctors, human resources, references from friends and family and then.... wait.  Just wait.

Ugh, waiting.  Not my strong point.  John is so laid back and patient.  I don't know how I got so lucky as to marry someone who is my exact opposite.  Believe me, that is a good thing.  If we both worried and let our type A personalities out as much as I do, this house would be full of anxious preparation and intense conversations.  He is indeed the yang to my yin, the sweet to my salty, and the calm to my storm.  I wouldn't say I am overly uptight, but I like things to be more predictable than this adoption process. 

Ok, onward and conclusion-ward.  We have basically nothing coming up.  Perfect time for a special arrival AMIRIGHT?!  I leave you with something that I posted on our adoption Facebook page that got about 50 likes (thanks guys! it was totally spur of the moment and straight from the depths of my aching, childless heart)

I wrote a long blog post about infertility and how people say the craziest things. About doctors and ultrasound techs and learning how to bite my tongue. I wrote about darkness and the light I see ahead.

But after sitting in a room full of newborn babies today, all I want to say is this:

Dear Future Baby, Your parents are ready for you now. We have your room ready, some pretty awesome name possibilities, and serious amount of love to give. We feel lost without you. We feel you are close and we know we are all meant to be together. We want to watch as you eat your first cookie, use your first crayon and help you dip your feet in the ocean for the first time. We want to kiss your boo boos, make up silly songs with you and teach you right from wrong. Don't stay away too long, as we have adventures to go on.

Hopelessly hopeful. 

It's A Snow (Rain) Day

So, one weird thing about living in the Atlanta area is that everyone completely freaks out at the tiniest hint of winter weather.  A couple of weeks ago, we had a storm that we were not prepared for on a city or state level.  This resulted in what they are calling "Snow Jam 2014".  All of the major interstates we at a standstill due to ice and all of the schools and business letting out at the same time.  I know people who literally spent hours upon hours in their cars, trying to sleep, scrounging for those old water bottles that slip under your car seats and cuddling up with each other for warmth after they ran out of gas. 

Well, we had another watch that started last night/this morning, so many school and businesses closed, including my office.  So far it is only raining and the temperature is nowhere near freezing, but I am not complaining.  I finished about 40% of a paper I was super stressed out about for my photography in instruction course.  I watched 1.5 movies on Netflix (one was terrible, so it had to go unfinished) and I am about to work out for a little while.  It's terrible, the older I get, the harder I have to work to get any results.  I wonder if it will be even harder to get/stay in shape at 34, which is less than a month away.  34 years old... oh my god, how did that happen? 

John's work pretty much never closes, since it is a grocery store.  John is a manager and being there for this sort of "weather crisis", which will probably hit more tomorrow than today, is part of his job duties.  There is no snow day unless he literally cannot get there due to road conditions. Hopefully if we get iced in, we keep power.  Our lines aren't buried in our neighborhood, so I think we are a little more at risk for a power outage.  I am kind of at a "I have to see it to believe it" about tomorrow's ice storm, since today's snow fall didn't happen.  They keep saying that the situation has so many factors that the forecast is changing every three hours.  Is that their way of saying they have no idea and don't want to be wrong again?  Yeah, I think so!

The adoption is going well I suppose.  No real changes and no contacts from potential birth mothers.  Some people get tons of contacts before "the one" and some only get one ever that turns out to be "the one".  We will have to start renewing paperwork in a couple of months.  Every year you have to make sure all of the background checks and medical stuff is current or else your home study lapses and you are no longer eligible to adopt if someone does want place their baby with you.  We bought a few things to pack in the case that someone who is due more or less immediately contacts us.  We didn't get anything that would expire, but just a few little things to make getting ready easier if we have to get up and go.  Maybe if we are super prepared, the universe will do us a solid and bring our baby to us.  Nothing wrong with putting that thought out there right? 

I am missing John and wishing he was home today.  Normally I would be at work too, so I wouldn't be sitting around the house thinking about that.  I have some stuff I want to do in the nursery and I did take pictures of what we have done so far, but I can't decide if it is a good idea to post them on the blog, since it could seem weird to potential birth mothers.  I mean, I guess it shouldn't matter, because it shows how much the baby that we don't even have yet is already loved (thanks Erin for that!).  We really are already so in love with our future baby, we just can't put a face or name- though we have names lined up as possibilities- to him or her yet.  I will think about posting pictures.  I just want to be respectful the expectant mother's emotions as well. 

I could sit here and let my thoughts spill out all day, but I wont.  Going to get my work out on and then work on those nursery details.  I hope everyone stays safe and warm!

A Few Quick Thoughts

We have just crept by 4 months of waiting for our child's birth parent(s) to find us (or us find them?).  This is by no means a long time to wait.  The average is 15 months.  We are still hopeful.

I added some small details to the nursery.  Owl door knobs to the closet, a crib mattress, and curtains.  We removed some excess furniture that was taking up room in there and it finally looks like a real nursery.  Once we know whether we will have a son or daughter, we can add the finishing touches.  I can't tell if a baby-less nursery will continue to be motivating or become a reminder of things being quite stagnant.  For now it remains a symbol of great things to come.

Owl knob for the nursery closet

We have had some amazing friends share our blog and iheartadoption site.  Thank you all so much!  It means more than you can ever imagine to us that even one of you would be willing to help us out.  If you want to share, but feel like you don't know us well enough, push that out of your head and share away.  We are thankful for each and every person who helps us get the word out.  Links are on the right side of this blog.

I have always been anti-blog and anti-twitter, but now that I have somewhere to put my verbal spew, I may be a fan of both.  It may become self-indulgent, if it hasn't already.  I hope my thoughts about this process will help someone who is considering adoption, either birth parent or potential adoptive parent.  I also want to be able to look back on the process after we are basking in new family glow and read about how we got there.

We are going to the Fox theater tomorrow, if the weather doesn't keep us home, to see the Book or Mormon.  Part of me wants the snow to stay away so we can still go and the rest of me is getting mad at that part of me because.... snow!  I am not getting my hopes up though, it is Georgia after all. 

Optimism

Being optimistic is not always something that comes naturally to me.  It is something I have had to work hard for at times.  That being said, I have had an overwhelming sense of optimism lately.  Here are some thoughts on life!

Obviously, the adoption is first and foremost on my mind.  I feel certain that someone will come across our profile or this blog or find us by word of mouth and think we are the right match to raise her child.  Our willingness to participate in an open adoption is first for the child, then for the birth mother and lastly for us- though it is very important for us as well.  After reading a lot about how psychologically, open adoption is best for everyone in the adoption triad, I can't imagine doing it any other way.  At first it was hard to picture having another woman in my child's life.  After getting a greater understanding of the roles in open adoption, I see the benefits to all parties involved.

The open adoption agreement could be anything from pictures every few months to visits throughout the year.  If we adopt in the state of Georgia, the open adoption agreement is now legally binding. Any plan we make, we have to be willing to stick to.  This is why matching with the right person is so important.  Our agency (IAC) says that it is amazing how adopting couples and birth mothers find each other, like it was always meant to be.  I don't know if they are just trying to keep the morale of the hopeful adoptive parents up or what, but I do think it will probably be a lot like when you find your husband/wife/partner/best friend etc.  You just know.

On that note, I love having that feeling of certainty and perfection about John, our marriage, our life together.  We went to Asheville, NC earlier this week for one night to see a musician (Frank Turner of course!).  I started the trip coffee-less and grumpy.  I may have been a terror to have in the car for the 30 minutes I didn't have any caffeine.  After a night away, just John, myself and a ton of delicious Asheville treats, I couldn't imagine being grumpy towards him again.  It is great to just reconnect every once in a while.  He is so calm and patient, so loving, so understanding and he laughs at me when I get "hangry" (that is hungry-angry for those who are not down with the lingo!).  Who wouldn't love someone who takes their wife's hangry moments like a champ!?  That is my love.  Sorry ladies, I am keeping him forever.  Sorry John, if I just embarrassed you.

Tomorrow my dad and I are doing another 5k.  That is our thing now and I love that we get to do these together.  I will pretend that it is no big deal that my 60-something year old dad can beat my time.  I am going to try to run as much as I can, but my doctor told me that walking is better for my joints, because I have special joints.  That doesn't really deter me from wanting to prove that I can run though.  I'll play it by ear.

Next week is Thanksgiving and I still have not cemented any Turkey Day plans.  Thinking of just making a bunch of food and having a "drop by when you can" sort of day.  Assuming people don't mind reheating food if they wait all day to stop in.  I think when our family grows, the holiday traditions will pick back up.  It is hard when we have two sides to our family and my brother and sister-in-law have two sides to theirs.  There is only so much time in a day.  Once the baby is here, we can have those huge holiday celebrations where we invite everyone and eat until we can't hold our eyes open.

Man, I am even feeling a little optimistic about work right now.  Cubical dwellers unite! I haven't even finished my morning coffee yet, perhaps today will be a good day.

Feeling good  about life and our future!  Feeling like I might even finish the nursery soon!  It is about 80% complete.  Stay tuned for sneak peeks.