Fire In Our Bellies

"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous


I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?

Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.

It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.

About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.

Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.

Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?

I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.

Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight. 

This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have. 

The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?

It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.

In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.

Full Throttle

Do you ever just have that burning pit in your chest that nags and nags at you? No, not heartburn, but the deep painful feeling that you get when you have no control over something? That hardcore desire to be moving forward, when you are standing still?

Ever since our failed attempt to adopt last month, my chest has been hurting. Literally hurting. It's no one's fault. Things are what things are. We've had to have so many serious conversations over the last month. Everything from asking ourselves if we need a break, to looking at our budget to try new things- go full on with this. The decision? I think a break would be a set back. We want this more than anything we have ever wanted. We are going full throttle with this adoption.

Past fears have kept us from using more profile sites or making videos, and asking more people for help getting the word out. There is fear that we will lose hard earned money, fear that our friends and family will think that we are asking too much, and fear that putting ourselves out there more will only bring in more people trying to scam us. The thing is, we can't live in fear any longer.

The Plan

We have a video in the works! I'm going to put my two semesters of grad school experience to the test by making an adoption video. It's another way for people considering adoption to see who we are when we aren't just motionless images and typed words.

We are on Adoptimist again! See our profile here: https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-parent-profile/7849

We are going to open this blog up to guest posts from friends and family (and possibly even strangers)! If you are a friend or family member or associated with adoption in some way and want to write a bit about us, adoption, yourself, whatever- as long as it is related in some way, email us a submission at sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com .

We are going to keep passing out our pass along cards! If you want some, contact us through one of the 4 million ways to contact us on this blog! I gave one to my barista this morning at the coffee shop. Nothing but smiles and encouragement from her! It never hurts to network.

The Scoop

Our home study renewal home visit is the 20th! Phew, such relief.

We are going on vacation! A couple of days in Washington DC and then to see one of our very best friends in Philadelphia. We have missed her intensely since her and her family moved away from Atlanta! It's been over a while since we saw them and her son is already 4! FOUR! Cannot believe it. I remember seeing him when he was just hours old!

The Thanks

You know, my mind is constantly blown at the amount of support we get in this process. So, thanks for reading, commenting (love comments!), emailing, sympathizing, sometimes even just cussing along with us at the hard stuff. We love you guys.