Thicker Skin

Light in the midst of darkness on my walk to work today.

I woke up feeling light-hearted today for the first time in a long time. I don't have a good explanation for it. I've been off of Facebook for a couple of days, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I have had to deal a lot lately with reconciling my feelings of jealousy and feelings of joy for friends either adopting quickly and/or before us or having many many contacts while we sit silent or get scammed again and again. It's a full time job processing those conflicting feelings. Maybe it's because I started my Frank Turner listening party at 5:30am this morning. That never hurts.

I'm going to be honest, I had kind of forgotten how it feels to be happy. I know, that sounds dramatic. There is a difference between moments of happiness- like when we have our nephew and he cracks us up- and just simply being happy in general. Man, I hope this lasts. I hope it isn't a total freak out that I am mistaking for elation. My chest is feeling relaxed for the first time in a while. It has just been so tight for, I'd say months. Is there fear that we will never adopt looming? Of course. Is there sadness that another day passed that was not the day we became parents? Of freakin course. Do I feel some grief trying to sneak in? Ugh, yes, but I'm fighting it.

We have to be the best version of us in order to be awesome parents, which I know we will be. This means not giving in to jealousy, despair, or anger at the process. Okay, so some people adopt right away and that isn't us. We will be stronger for it. We will love our child that much more, because we had to fight so hard for this. We've always had to fight hard for everything we have. We are at a place that the only thing we are fighting to achieve is parenthood. The rest has been settled. We can get through this one.

That's all I really have today. It's been hard to write. It's been hard to feel the things I've needed to feel. I have 3 blog posts that I wrote, but never published, because I've been too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy in this process.

May I always see the road rising up to meet me and my enemies defeated in the mirror behind. My adoption wait anthem:

Post #100. A Day In The Life.

This is our 100th blog post! That is crazytown.

I'm finding it really hard to blog lately. I have this new theory about adoption. Well, our adoption. I am starting to think that this is some social/psychological experiment to see how long it takes two perfectly sane people to crack. Like really crack.

How much can two happily married, middle class, suburban (only by location, not mindset!) people take before losing it? A lot. We can take a lot. Adoption, you are trying to break us down, but you can't win.

Can we talk about the day to day of adoption? A day in the life. Note: I am leaving out some of the stuff that can happen day to day that are adoption related for privacy reasons. And for optimism reasons.

Alarm goes off. A moment of peace in my warm bed. Restroom, put coffee on, feed the cats. I pick up my phone (admit it, you all do about this time) and my email begins to update. Eight new emails in my personal account. Smyna Vinings Patch with their vague headlines. A coupon from World Market, nice! Updates from my grad class. A thought pops into my head "Sarah, don't think it, if you think it, it won't happen". But I think it anyway "I hope this is the morning"....

I nervously (this feeling doesn't get better. Always nerves firing) look to see if there is a 1 or 2 or 3 next to sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com . The number 2 appears. "Sarah, you thought it, so it's going to be junk mail", but hope sticks around as I hit the account...

"Dearest Pleasant One" oh yay. A scam email. "Hello I am emailing of the baby Saint Bart's Orphanage. We have all the blondest haired, bluest eyed babies in Cameroon (personal note, this is not important to us.We are open to all races and ethnicities). Of the sincerest email us. Baby waiting for you sincerely". Two scam emails. Hooray. I close it, disappointed I drink my coffee. I force myself to get dressed. One mismatching article of clothing at a time. I mean who cares right? It's not like today will be the day. Besides, maybe if I'm horribly unprepared and look a mess it will happen.

I park quite far from work, so I have a nice calm walk in to the office. It's early, the elementary school is just opening, so I'm surrounded by little kids, holding hands, chattering about recess and who is friends with who. It hits me again. Warm heart feelies. Maybe I should refresh the email. Maybe I should check google voice in case we got a text and google didn't email me. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I park my rear at my desk and refresh my email, check google voice, triple check our adoption Facebook page. Nada. A deep sigh.

Meanwhile on Facebook another couple from our agency has adopted. They announce it on their page with such joy and relief. They waited 7 months. We hit 28 months two days ago. My chest hurts for a minute. The underlying grief of our wait rears it's ugly head.

Grief. It's a theme of a long adoption wait. People you meet and love adopt before you. People you love have failed adoptions. You feel grief for both. Your own adoption fails. Grief. Babies being abandoned in woods, dumpsters, high schools on the local news. Grief. If they had known about us, would they have chosen us? If they had known about our agency, would they still have abandoned their babies? So much grief.

The rest of my day is distracted mostly by work. The thoughts pop into my head between students "Check your email. Check adoptimist. Check it, check it check it". more thoughts "What if our lives change tonight? Ugh no Sarah, you thought it, it's not going to happen now".

I know I am not that powerful. I can't think us into or out of an adoption.

The drive home is full of music that triggers emotions. Life gives you demons, but I made friends with the devil, so I am invincible. Revved up, yes Frank, I am invincible. Adoption, you can't crack me.

At home, evenings are my favorite. John and I watching whatever we recorded while we have dinner. We talk about our day, an undertone of "it didn't happen today". I refresh my email. My chest hurts again. More TV, homework, bedtime.

I wake up at 1am in panic, a dream that we had a baby. A girl, 4 months old, chubby as can be. It takes a full 3 minutes to orient myself to realize it was a dream. Back to sleep hoping to be stronger tomorrow.

It's tomorrow and I feel stronger.


Working on a new Q&A since we are getting a lot of the same questions. For now you can review the first three Part 1 Part 2 Part 3


Some Monday tunes. 

Christmas 2015: Part Two- Funsies

I'm ready for part two of my Christmas post. The last post was about feelings. Boo feelings! If you happen to like feelings though, here is a link : Christmas 2015 Part One .

This is not a feelings post. This is a what we have been up to and what we will soon be doing post.

As per my recent hiatus ending post noted, I saw Frank Turner again. Oh yes, I did indeed. Pictures below. I'm off of work this week, so there has been plenty of laziness and general hanging out.

John has been curling, and watching Everton play soccer, and working hard as usual.

The house is superbly decorated. Presents are wrapped and ready to be torn into (or bags peeped into, because wrapping got tedious, so I turned to the good ole gift bag.

Christmas cards are hung in our entry way. What I really love about our Christmas cards is that so many of them are pictures of families created through open adoption!

It is lifting my soul up to receive these cards from friends we have made during the adoption wait. Watch out, when we have our kid, our Christmas card photos are going to be epic.

Let's not forget the cards featuring friends and their pets! More fur please!

Our annual tin of Christmas cookies arrived from our friend Katie and her family. You may remember her from such blog posts as Vacation Recap: Philadelphia . 

Katie's cookies mean the start of Christmas. She may be thinking "Great, now I can never stop sending them!" No Katie, you cannot. Kidding, sort of. 

I particularly loved the card, which included a drawing by Xander, Katie and Anthony's 4 year old son. I believe he now fancies himself an artist and author of stick figure and worm family books.

We saw Star Wars on opening day. This is the only picture I took, because, well, I was sending it to another friend we met through our adoption agency who was also seeing it that night.

This is the freezing cold line to get in. Yeah, sure it was cold that night, but it won't be for Christmas! It's supposed to be 77 here on Christmas day. It's currently pouring rain here, with a risk of tornadoes tonight. It's not exactly holiday spirit inducing weather.






I know you are all waiting for my Frank Turner trip update!

So, here it is. My friend Jessica went with me to Nashville to see Frank. She had seen him open for (I think) Ben Folds years ago. She was the first person I have met who actually knew who Frank Turner is, so ya know, I kept her. That sounds creepy (she's in the basement..shhhh). Kidding. No, she's actually getting ready to fly to Italy. Whatevs. I'll just hang here in the 'burbs.

Anyway, we went to an instore performance at Grimey's in Nashville and like .. um.. met him and got his autograph and stuff... Yeah, I know, I have met him before. Trust me, it doesn't get old. He liked my shirt (*blush*). I may  have prematurely put my arm around him for our picture. Man, I can be awkward.

What's that? An autographed record? Mine! All mine!

Also, he said I my way of spelling Sarah is the best way and I was all like, yeah, totally, mumble mumble squirm. Because I am super smooth when talking to my music idols.

So, let me not leave out the part where a friend I made in the Frank Turner Army (it's a thing, ok?) Marisa is her name, got us wrist bands to make this possible. It was a know a girl who knows a guy type of deal. I am so thankful to Marisa and her friend!

Then we went to the actual show. It was at 3rd and Lindsley, which was a really awesome venue. We squeezed our way to the front and I sang/screamed/yelled/jumped/danced/sweated my face off.

I no longer have a face. 

I think Jessica is hooked now. It's contagious, that Frank Turner bug.

Ok, I'm stopping with the Frank Turner fan review. Let's talk about my onesie addiction. My name is Sarah and I have a onesie addiction.

If I see a cool, cute, or funny onesie, it will belong to my yet to exist baby. Maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe I just like to be prepared!

If you hear of a good onesie sale, you know where to find me. Merry Christmas future baby, you are already well dressed.




Well, that's my picture collection for this entry. If you follow us on Instagram: Our Account, you probably have seen most of these already. If you don't - Surprise! Pictures!

It is the Eve of Christmas Eve and I am home alone. John is working, making sure all of you have your ingredients for Christmas dinner. Tomorrow night we will have lasagna and monkey bread and celebrate our Christmas together.

Christmas day we will brunch at my parent's house and marvel at how funny our nephew, Henry, is. How big and smart and wonderful he is. Then we will drive to see John's mom and sister and eat some more, as people do on Christmas. We will chat on the drive up and back about how maybe... just maybe next year there will be three of us. Then hesitate, because maybe not. We don't know.

Tonight though, I am writing for you and for myself. For our future child to know how much we loved him or her before we ever set eyes on our perfect baby.

For now I will watch Love Actually eight times and Bridget Jones' Diary three, maybe four times, because there is no such thing as too much young Collin Firth or too much living abroad in your imagination. I'll wait eagerly for John to get home tonight. To torture him with said chick flicks and spend what is left of this holiday, just the two of us.

The lightning outside seems too close for computer comfort, so I'm signing off. From our hopelessly hopeful family of two to your family, Happy Holidays!

Reinventing What Waiting Is

Hey, is anybody still out there?

Well, it's December 3rd and I haven't blogged in over a month. I've gone back and forth about whether I'm ready to get this going again. There were a lot of positives about taking some time off of adoption. I mean, you never really take time off from the adoption wait, we were still waiting, still hoping, still doing some networking here and there. I guess it was more like taking time off of the extreme emotions that come along with waiting to adopt. A month of pushing it out of my head as much as possible.

Updates? Ok. We had a couple of contacts that appear to have fizzled out. It's hard not to overthink everything you said, wondering if something came across wrong, wondering if you ruined it. I mean, I don't think that is the case, but it's always something I will wonder about. The fact is though, nothing can be done about it. I'm pulling myself up and moving on.

We have about 300 pass along cards if anyone is interested! Email me sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com . I mailed out about 200 to friends last month (thanks friends!).

Enough adoption news. ENOUGH! Let's get to the fun part.

We have spent the last month having adventures. I've done some of them without John, because the holidays generally mean he works A LOT #producemanagerlife. Yep, I just hashtagged in the blog. What is happening to me!?!?!

Waiting to adopt doesn't have to be sitting around wondering why not us? When will it be our turn? Waiting can be a time to do all the things that will be too hard to do once you have baby demanding your every minute

Without further ado, here are the tales of adventure.

I saw Free Throw (link to their site) at the Masquerade with our friend Stephen! A) Free Throw is awesome. Clangy, buzzy, emo, punk-ish. I just made those descriptors up. Opinions may vary. B) Stephen is also awesome. He is one of our #1 supporters in this adoption process. He was the best man at our wedding and is a friend extraordinaire.

Also, someone puked at this show. Front and center. The crowd parted like the red sea. No thanks.

We ate at Ponce City Market beforehand at Farm to Ladle, which was delish. Fresh, fast, unique. Important to note for Atlantans or people visiting, King of Pops does pops (that's KOP for popsicle) dipped in chocolate at Ponce City Market.

John and I saw Glen Hansard (linky) at the Buckhead Theatre. This was sort of a dream come true for me. My favorite movie is Once, which is how Glen entered my music library. He has come through Atlanta a few times, but never when we could go.

A maybe too jolly opening act, t-shirt purchase, and one gin and tonic later, we had our minds blown by Glen himself. He opened unaccompanied by any instrument, in the dark. Chills. I do love me a musician with a beard and guitar.

Let us not forget what the Buckhead Theatre used to be.. Goodbye Roxy, you will not really be missed. Sticky, old, metal folding chairs... Nope. You even made Henry Rollins screaming about republicans less fun, which is hard to do! The Buckhead Theatre is nicely redone- comfy couches, unique touches all around. Would return.

Just this past Monday (11/30) we saw David Bazan (linky dinky doo) .

We saw him in a random living room in Marietta. GA. Let's just say I only felt the pain of sitting cross legged on a wood floor a few times in the hour plus that he played. It was simply one of the best musical experiences of my life thus far.

He would play a few songs and the open it up to questions from the audience. Obviously, being in someone's living room, the audience wasn't that big, so it was very intimate. John asked two questions. There were cameras filming for a documentary, so we may end up in it!

I guess this happened before my little hiatus and I may have already written about it. I can't even remember! John and I went to our friend's wedding. We got all gussied up and ate like 4 kinds of cake. Superb.

Congratulations to Carla and Scott! May your life always be filled with cake buffets and ice cream sundae bars!

I spent some time having taco and margarita nights with friends. Luckily, just about every friend I have is up for tacos and margaritas. Some of which are waiting to adopt as well. Visit http://www.iheartadoption.org/ to see our profiles. Ours first though ok? We've been waiting the longest. Seems fair (in my head). Of course, so far we have learned that adoption is not exactly fair. To anyone. We do the best we can.

Jalapeno margarita anyone?

Yeah... sorry about the random depressing thought!

In happy news, my dad and I did our annual Turkey Chase (And yearly terrible selfie. It's a tradition now). We hadn't done a race together since last year's Turkey Chase. Usually we do 3 or 4 a year, but we both had a lot going on.

This race is one of my favorites, because it's colder in November and I kind of hate sweating and it's fairly flat and scenic. The lazy person's race.

Our extremely talented friend, Katie, made another hat for our future child. She knows my weak spots- cats and tiny baby things.

Katie is another super supportive friend as far as our adoption wait goes. You may remember her from our trip to Philly over the summer.

We made it through living together in our early twenties, so I think it's safe to say we are friends for life.

I'm sure I left some adventures and fun stuff out. I wasn't planning on writing today, but I finished my grad class for the semester and I'm all caught up at work. I figured why not get it out there.

Our tree is up (yeah, we went fake, despite my declaration of wanting a real one). Our stockings will be hung shortly. We are having a small holiday party with friends we met who are also waiting to adopt in just over a week.


OH MAN. How did I forget... my friend Jessica (also waiting to adopt) and I are driving to Nashville next week to see Frank Turner! I mean, did you really think I could have a come back blog post without mentioning Frank. hahaha! Silly people! I CANNOT WAIT. Capslock level excitement.

So there we have it. Updates. Busying ourselves. Hoping that since hardcore networking has not brought us a baby that possibly ignoring it will? Is there magic in booking nonrefundable trips and buying tickets to shows? If you want to see something bad enough, will the adoption happen to thwart it?  We can only hope.

I want to be a mom. John wants to be a dad. I never thought those urges would become so strong. We are ready! As always, thanks for reading. We are hopelessly hopeful as ever.

I Am Invincible-ish

Yargh.

It's the pirate's life for me.

No, well, it's the suburban Atlanta life for me. It's that life that mostly suits families with kids. I even bought a four door car. See? Prepared.

Gary and Neal at Carmax in Kennesaw were superb. They even put a bow on it for me. I named her Momo. Stands for Mom Mobile. High hopes, people.

My little Hyundai did me a solid the day I went to trade it in by flashing some warning lights on the dash. It didn't want me to feel bad about kicking it to the curb.

My dad made sure that me parking at Georgia Tech was properly protested. Let's hope no one keys my car over it!

She's roomy, she's got a backseat built for cramming kids in (that's how you do it right? Cram them in?). I'm so on top of this parenting thing. 









I feel like I am at a constant loss for words these days. I know, weird right? It doesn't matter the subject, I sit there and feel like I can't respond. Unless you are arguing with me about whether or not to get the flu shot (don't get me started, but yes, get the flippin flu shot), I feel kinda blank.

I had a really awful phone call from someone the other day. A bait and switch adoption professional. They call and present an expectant mom to match with, but really there is no expectant mom. They want you to pay their insane fee, then after that they will tell you that woman chose another family, but we will match you in mere days "guaranteed!" Yeah, I'm on to you. I am not new to this, I am not uneducated on this.

I admit, I reacted poorly. I was angry. I may or may not have dropped the F bomb loudly at work when I hung up. I may or may not have ranted on my personal Facebook page. I definitely screamed in the car. Well, I definitely did all of those things.

It just feels like you can't trust anyone anymore. Guilty until proven innocent is how it feels sometimes. Every call or email feels like and usually is someone trying to pull one over on you. I've always been very cynical. I'm used to seeing the world through cynical eyes, but adoption has really made me wary of just about everyone. Wary and weary.

I want the world to give us some proof that we can trust people again.

Despite all of the weird things that have happened over the last two years, we are going strong. We have some level of hope at all times that we will be parents before too long.

I'm mailing out our adoption networking pass along cards today and tomorrow. We have nine people in six states willing to pass them along. If you want some, comment or message us. I can send them anywhere in the US. We would so appreciate it! Even if you live down the street from us, we can cover the same territory! Even if you just want one to have our information on hand. I will mail you just one!

Examples of what I have done with them: I hand them to baristas, waiters, our car salesmen, and even coworkers have offered to hand some out. Friends, family, coworkers, strangers... all working for the cause. The cause being "Help build the Farrar family". Love. Love all of you.

Song of the day. This was easily my least favorite song on Frank's new album at first. Now I'm obsessed with it. Obsessed. I know, shocking.

Fire In Our Bellies

"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous


I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?

Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.

It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.

About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.

Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.

Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?

I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.

Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight. 

This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have. 

The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?

It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.

In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.

What? I Can't Hear You!

I admittedly have had a really hard time coming up with meaningful posts lately- or any posts at all actually. This post will be neutral... I think...I just feel we need an update here. Something to keep this thing going. Writing through the struggle!

Here is a tale of an ear drum exploding. My ear drum. It all goes back to renewing our home study. You see, back in February I decided that my internal medicine doctor was not a good fit for me and may or may not have stormed out yelling or crying or a combination of both. That's what happens when a doctor thinks she knows me more than I know myself. Long story.

This means I had no regular doctor to do my physical for my home study. I called probably 20 doctors of all varieties with a bunch of "no's" unless you are already a patient there. Finally, thanks to a friend in the adoption wait, I found an urgent care facility who would do it. An urgent care facility where I would pick up one.nasty.bug.

About 6 hours after leaving the appointment I had a fever, chills, aches, extreme fatigue and a sore throat. Three days later all of those issues subsided and my ears started hurting. Within about 8 hours of ear pain, my left ear drum ruptured. Might I say it exploded? Yeah, it did. It was awful and gross and intensely painful. Nearly 3 weeks later it no longer sounds like a hurricane in there, but my hearing is still a little off.

It's like being in a fog. A silent, but not totally silent, more like wind tunnel sounding fog. Too tired to write or keep up with renewing home study documents. I finally found my way out of the fog though.

You guys... I had to go to a Frank Turner show with a bum ear! A Frank Turner show! With a bum ear! Anyone shocked that I still had the time of my life? I so did. Two hours of Frank Turner and the Sleeping Souls in the middle of the night? Count me in!

Anyway. I got thrown off for nearly 3 weeks. Illness, bum ear drum, allergies from hell. But hopefully I'm back up and writing. Darn the home study renewal. Nearly made me deaf...

I can't even tell you if we have adoption updates. It's still such a weird process. Movement, then no movement. Nothing, then fast forward, then stall out. Hurry up and wait.

I've been day dreaming a lot about the beach. That is probably going to need to happen ASAP.  Unless our baby come to us first, then beach next year. Please universe, please! Yep, I am down to begging the powers that be. Just let this work out.

I know come Thursday, I need a little pick me up to get through the last couple days of work. For this reason, I present to you:

Death Metal Mary Poppins. Enjoy.

Lost In Fog and Love and Faithless Fear

The Hold Steady-A Slight Discomfort

It all comes down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of failure.

I've come to realize that it's all about overcoming the unknowns. The countless possible outcomes that will likely never even happen- or 99% of them wont anyway- stand in my way mentally. The process of getting past this is proving to be hard though. No matter how diligently you work to live fearless and march forward, those little questions pop in every so often. A part of your brain asks why or when or how, but there are no answers.

I'm a girl who functions best when there are answers. I need the lay of the land, complete with rest stops and a final destination. It doesn't even have to be a happy ending. I simply need to know what happens at the end of this story. I'm not one to enjoy the middle of anything- not books, not movies. I want to know the characters, their goals, and then whether or not they achieve said goals. It's impatience I suppose.

Our adoption updates are not super exciting. We let a few things expire for our home study and are now scrambling to get everything in order. We are doing it mainly apart from each other due to work hours and other obligations. It makes a person feel disorganized and frantic. We still have not had any additional contacts, despite listing our profile with America Adopts, sending out oh, I don't even know how many pass along cards- hundreds, and our letter going our through our agency quite a bit lately. I know it only takes one, but damn, I am really over this silent inbox and phone.

April brings another bonspiel for John. He's heading to Durham soon and I'm staying behind this time. I've had enough curling for a little while. It isn't the best spectator sport. May brings another Frank Turner show...squeeeeal! He will be here in Atlanta this time around, so no road trips or new adventures. Though, if anyone wants to ride up to Nashville with me, I would totally go to that show too! The kidney walk is in May too, I'm feeling not great about it this time around. I think it's because there is just too much on my mind otherwise, so I haven't had time to get my team together and plan out anything fun for after.

I have found it really hard to blog lately, which is weird, because I'm never short on words. Usually something will come to me in the car, or as I'm trying to sleep at night. When I try to write now, it comes out trite and shallow. Never do I want our story to stop having meaning and depth. When I go to write what I really want to say lately, it sounds dark...darker than it probably really is. I guess I feel a little lost in it all right now. Aimless blog posts don't do anyone any good.

I do have a Q&A coming up. This will be our 3rd edition of Q&A...part one can be found HERE and part two can be found HERE . Related also is the post I did about "Other People's Theories" on why we have yet to adopt is sort of in the form on Q&A.

Until next time. 

Get Better

Readers, please forgive me for posting more Frank Turner. It has to be done. It's helping me find my way out of this "18 months of waiting to adopt" hole.

Adoption is hard. Life can be really hard. But, we can get better, because we aren't dead yet. 

Listen, Watch, Read. Courtesy warning- Not completely safe for work.

Yes, I'm having a moment.

But For Now, We Toast

 Let's start out with the positive.

America Adopts published my guest post yesterday! With further ado, here it is!

Click Here!

Also, my Frank Turner birthday extravaganza was more than I could have ever asked for. I was right up front, singing until I was hoarse, getting slammed about like I was 22 again. After the show he came outside to hang out with us fans. What a super nice human being! Perhaps if he wasn't so nice, I could begin to ease up on my Frank Turner fandom...probably not.

He had the crowd sing happy birthday to me and got me a drink. We toasted and hugged and all was right with the world. I fan-girled a little on the inside, but i believe I played it quite cool on the outside!

Now on to the nitty gritty. Last night's sorta, kinda trauma.

Adoption, you are breaking my heart. IAC, you are breaking my heart as well.

I came home to a letter I have been dreading from our adoption agency. A letter I had only heard rumors of. It stated that we have been waiting "a somewhat longer time than the usual".

What I read: You guys are failing. You are not pretty, thin, or interesting. You are not cultured enough or well traveled enough to be appealing. You have not proven yourself worthy. Obviously, this is not true, but that's what I read.

I'm home alone and beating myself up. Is it me? Is it John? Is there some truth to the "other people's theories " that I wrote a previous post on? What happened to my being ok with hitting the "average wait time"? It is all B.S.? Possibly.

I know that the letter did not intend to make us feel inadequate, but this process has torn my self confidence down so much that I can read it again and again and only feel insulted and angry... or is it sad? I don't even know anymore.

This is not me! I am secure in myself and in John. I know we are none of those things. I know we are going to make awesome parents.

Should I only show the happy unicorns and butterflies aspects of our lives? Will that get us chosen? Will that put an end to this limbo? What is the magic spell to not be the people who wait for years and years, or even worse- never adopt? 

I.JUST.CAN'T.

Why isn't us just being who we are enough? Our unicorns and butterflies live peacefully amongst snakes and hornets. Life is a balance of good and bad and even boring.

It's just a letter. A piece of paper I knew was coming any time now. Soon to be followed by the request to begin renewing our home study, because that's cheery. Adoption is not for the weak and I am feeling quite weak.

Dear IAC, a simple "at 18 months we offer these additional services" would have sufficed. We certainly are aware of how long we are waiting. It is quite the sensitive topic.

Are we still hopeful? Always. But there are moments that don't feel so hopeful.

Today I am on a quest to get us back to that hopeful place in our hearts and our heads. 

Wrapping up with a song by Ben Marwood. Just because.

And Glen Hansard. Just because.

One Foot After The Other: Rainbamapocalypse Tuesday

First up, gotta get it out of the way...

I'm seeing Frank Turner tomorrow!! What?! Yes, I am seeing the man himself on my birthday in less than 35 hours. Try not to wee yourself in excitement. I've reached a new level of fandom. The 5+ hour drive to see someone play level of fandom. I've done the 3+ hour drive before and I believe John has done a 7+ to see a band play. Priorities.

Those dimples!

Tonight John and I are celebrating my birthday a day early, since I am going out of town without him tomorrow. I put my name in to see a band, Beans on Toast, at a house show. Looks like I got in with a +1, and it is in fact my month to say yes to everything, so looks like we are going to hit that up tonight! Assuming President Obama being in town doesn't make it impossible to get over there of course. Every time we have a president visit, the traffic is out of control! Plus rain, oh man, Atlanta traffic in the rain is ridiculous. Could end up being the Rainbamatrafficopalypse.

Edited to add POTUS motorcade. Work field trip to see it in action!

 In adoption news, America Adopts invited me to do another guest blog post for them. Look out for that coming up soon (soonish? I have no time frame to share). I really love their site! It has a wealth of information and now we have our own profile listed there as well! Linky dinky doo! They have quite a large presence on the internet as far as the adoption world goes. We feel like having our profile on their site could just be that little extra something we need to be found by someone looking to place her baby.

America Adopts profile snippet!

I was just talking to a friend we made through support group about the letter that everyone that uses our agency writes. It is a letter to prospective birth parents. You have to try to summarize who you are and what your life is about in approximately 900 words. As you can all tell from my lengthy blog posts, this is not an easy task for someone like me. I've been thinking about what I would really want to say, versus the kind of sugarcoated, glossy, picture of our lives. Of course this blog does a pretty good job of that, but I rewrite our letter in my head often.

In all honesty, what our letter should read is this:

Hello, we can't promise to be perfect parents, but we can promise to love heck out this kid and to protect him or her with all that we are as people. We love cats and music. We like delicious food and vacations. We are committed to having an open adoption.

Like, in a nutshell, that's us. Way less than 900 words. Sure we could go on about how much we love our families and how much Atlanta has to offer, but the thick of it is that we are gonna love that kid so darn much! We already do. I know that sounds weird, since we have yet to meet said kiddo, but we do.

So, I'm leaving age 34 behind in less than 24 hours. The year I thought I would finally become a mom. The year that I now know was for overcoming and forgiving the crazy things that happen in life.

Onward and upward.

A Fight Worth Fighting

I know I always say I love a good challenge, but this is intense! It is has been seventeen emotionally and psychologically challenging months since we went live with our adoption agency. Seventeen months of highs and lows and all that comes between.There are days that I love adoption with such intensity, after all it will bring our baby to us. There are days that I cannot even utter the word. I find myself calling it "the A word" or "shmershmoption" or "that thing I just can't bring myself to talk about right now".

I guess in the scheme of things, seventeen months isn't so long. If you add in all the time we spent getting me healthy, then infertility and then the home study, we have been waiting like-  oh I don't know 8ish years to have kids. What's another day right? (FYI another day feels like hell sometimes!)

So many good things are happening right now that it's hard to feel down about it all. I'm driving to Greensboro on my birthday to see my favorite singer Frank Turner. Frank...on my birthday. The only thing better would be hanging with our newborn on my birthday. If that isn't going to happen, then  singing my face off in the front row of a Frank Turner show will have to do. I pre-apologize to all of the people I am going to mow over to get front and center. It's probably best that I am going to the show alone. No one needs to see me in that state!

How I feel at a Frank Turner show!

How I look at a Frank Turner show (screaming internally)

Seconds before I met the man himself!

 It probably sounds really cheesy, but I don't think I would have gotten this far in the adoption wait without his music. Even though it often makes me want to throw my entire life into one backpack and take off across the world, it also has kept me motivated in my little suburban Atlanta life. Motivated to keep working for what I really want, decide who I really want to be in this life and take charge of that. I don't want to ever have any regrets or think of my life as wasted time. Raising our child to be a good human being is a life goal of mine so I, along with John, find the strength through whatever motivates us to move forward.

The two days following the Frank Turner show, I will be on a trip to Asheville with my mom. We decided this year to celebrate our same day birthday with a getaway. My mom and I have that sort of relationship where we can hang out and chat, do fun things. I fully expect to eat too much. We could both use some time away from every day life. Of course I am not so secretly thinking Asheville is close enough that I can get back to Atlanta if we have a last minute call for baby. Or some serendipitous event will happen that our baby just so happens to be born in Asheville while we are there. Then John would be hustling to get up there as fast as he can. Oh, stop it daydreams!

I really wish I could ignore those thoughts and just have fun away from home. It lingers in the back of my brain at all times. The phone rings- I see an unknown number and I get a bit of an electric shock through my chest. Ooh, this could be it! Nope, just the American Heart Association with a public service announcement or a wrong number asking for Booba. Buba? (true story, like a million times over). 

We are going to a little informal gathering of people we met through our agency support group on Saturday. It always feels good to surround yourself with like minded people. These are people who know exactly how this waiting to adopt deal feels. No one is going to offer up suggestions to find a surrogate or to adopt a baby who has been given days to live (sad, but people do send me this stuff). They all just get it. They are our peeps if you will. We meet up every so often outside of official support group and have dinner and drinks, talk about where we are in the process, and let each other know that whatever feelings we may be having are justified. Sometimes that is all it takes... knowing that your feelings are both acceptable and shared by others.

John is busy working on the Atlanta Curling Club's first bonspiel ever.  Aloha Y'all! If you are a curler and want to eat off of an entire pig, now is your chance! I'll be there volunteering as much as they need me. Or put on your best (warm!) Hawaiian gear and come down to watch. Details linked above.

In adoption news, it is almost time for us to start our home study renewal AGAIN. Ohmygod. I really was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I think we have to start most of the paperwork and fingerprints at the end of March or early April. The FBI background check takes the longest of all of the processes. We have to go to the police station, get our prints done and then snail mail them to a government agency. Then we wait an average of 8-12 weeks for the results- though I hear it is taking longer lately.

We also have to be cleared by the GBI, our doctors, a lot of state agencies, and a social worker who will come to our house for a new home visit. The only thing good about a home study renewal is that there are actual steps to take, rather than just having that uneventful waiting we normally face each day. Oh man, the stress. I am sure hoping someone contacts us before we have to go through all of this.

Maybe all of you readers could help out by sharing our information on whatever social media you use? Or mention to every face you see that this fantastic couple in Georgia are just bursting baby love from their hearts and are waiting to adopt? No, like my heart does at times feel like it could burst!

Share our Facebook page or this blog or our official adoption profile . Tell them we are committed to having an open adoption with the birth family. Letters, phone calls, visits, whatever we can work out. We are waiting to adopt a newborn in the USA. We are not approved for other countries or older children (children over 12 months).

I'm signing off as hopeful tonight. Hopeful, because we have so many people cheering us on and helping spread the word that we are waiting to adopt. I am hopeful, because perfect strangers are rooting for us. I am hopeful, because adoption is love.