Throughout the last (almost) year, people have had a lot of questions for me about adoption. I thought it would be nice to field some of the questions on the blog. I intended for John and I to answer them together, but due to the increase in the popularity of curling, he has been pretty busy with the club. These are my thoughts, but I ran them by him and he said he was cool with what I said.
What kind of adoption do you want? Open.. closed.. shared...
We are working with an agency who specializes in open adoption. Our hope is to have a completely open adoption, where we and our child have access to the birth family. This is psychologically best for the child and that is our main focus. Whether we keep in contact through photos and emails or frequent visits, we would like some sort of openness. I realize that there is no way to predict what kind of relationship we will have with our child's birth mom, so we are willing to deal with whatever comes our way, while promoting complete openness.
Does the age of the child matter?
Our agency specializes in newborn adoption in the US. This means that most are placed at birth, in the hospital. We agreed to up to a year on our profile, in case a situation like that comes up, but that is not the norm at our agency.
Does the race of the child matter?
We are open to all races, except Native American. This is not because we don't want to have a Native American baby placed with us, but there are some real legal issues with it. There have to be tribal clearances and they are considered more risky placements, since the tribe can try to disrupt the adoption. In an ideal world, we would be open to them as well, but it is extra stress that we are not prepared for.
Do you plan on telling the baby that he or she is adopted? If so, when and how do you plan on approaching the subject?
Yes! Let's put it this way, there is never going to be a time when our child is not going to know that he or she is adopted. We will always be completely honest about it. I know it is a difficult concept for a small child to grasp, but if we raise our kid surrounded by positive adoption language and open dialog about it, there should be a slow immersion into knowing. We also have some books aimed at very small children that explain adoption in way that is age appropriate. Since we are planning on an open adoption, it is likely that our child will know his/her birth mother or other birth family member, so that is pretty much a dead give away right? No secrets in the Farrar household!
How did you come up with decor ideas for the nursery?
There isn't really a rhyme or reason to it. If i had to pick a theme, I would say "calm". We picked the light green color, because it is soothing and gender neutral. We can't really pick anything for a boy or girl specifically, so right now it is a little bare. I picked the Peter Rabbit bedding, because I loved Beatrix Potter as a kid. I splurged on it, because a)it felt right and b) it was good quality and the quilt can be used for years and years (special blanky?), unlike a lot of the sets you can get at places like Babie R Us or Burlington. Other than that, if we see something that jumps out at us, we get it.
Formula or donated breast milk?
The plan is for our baby tobe formula fed. I wont get too far into this topic, because people can really get heated about it.
Do you plan on making your own baby food?
The answer is yes, the intention is there. I can't say there wont be a jar or so mixed in when life gets busy, but I do intend on making it all myself. That is how I will spend my Sundays probably. Steaming, blending and freezing the week's baby food.
Where would you like to take your kid on vacation?
Fun question! We do love vacations! We try to go to the beach or mountains about once a year. We both grew up going to similar beach towns in Florida, so we will definitely be continuing that tradition with our kid. We are in a great location to access a lot of vacation spots in the south. We can get to beaches in 5 hours or less, mountains in less than 2 hours and live 30 minutes away from the busiest international airport in the world.
I have big dreams of taking our kid on vacations to London, Paris, Sydney, etc. I want our child to experience the cultures of other countries. John is only just now warming up to my personal wanderlust, but I think these trips will be amazing opportunities for all of us.
Oh and let's not forget Disney World! One of the best parts of having a kid is getting to experience Disney World all over again!
How do you think your life will change the most after your child comes into your life?
How will it not change? Haha. Well, first of all, there will be someone else in our family to love like crazy. Really there will probably be multiple new people in our family to love like crazy, since we are looking to do an option adoption. Also, going out will take more planning! We will have to always think of our kid first and ourselves last. We kind of are already in that mindset really. There is nothing we aren't willing to give up for this though.
How would you define your potential parenting style (and how do you think that might change over time)?
John is the calmest person I know. He is super laid back and logical. I think his parenting style will represent that. I am more ...uptight, no....well, maybe a little more protective and slightly less relaxed. I think overall our parenting styles will be relaxed though. We want to raise a strong, independent person, so we can't be too overprotective! I am sure there will be plenty of reminding myself to let go a little!
Who knows how that will change over time. I think probably your style gets more relaxed as you learn your child's habits and personality. There are so many factors, that it is hard to predict how you may or may not be.
How do you think the adoption process has strained and/or strengthened your relationship with John?
This is a very complex question, which has a complex answer. Though we are on the same page in what we want, we do not deal with the wait the same way. Like I have mentioned before, John is super calm. Lucky him, he married someone who is guided by her emotions and gut feelings. John looks at things in a more sequential way... like these are the stats and figures and will worry about stuff once we fall outside of those lines. I am more like, holy crap, this feels like forever and these are comments people rudely make, and why is my brain doing this to me!??! So you can see why there could be some head butting! With that being said, I do think our relationship is being made stronger. If we can get through infertility, kidney transplant and adoption, we can get through anything right? John is my rock and my sense of calm. Without him, I would probably be much more intense. Can you imagine?
I bet you will get pregnant as soon as you adopt your baby? What would you do then?
Um.. nope. Just nope. It is statistically next to impossible for that to happen, because my body is kind of a jerk. We are happy with our plan to adopt and proper precautions are being taken to prevent that "miracle baby" people often tell me I will have (still...not possible). My medications will also not support a pregnancy at this point, so just NOPE.
When can we throw you a baby shower?
After baby is home and we are out of the revocation period. Until that time, we probably wont even announce that our baby has been born. The revocation period is a period of time that the birth mom has to change her mind after signing the relinquishment. The length of time varies from state to state. Some states have no revocation period, some have a very long one, like 30 days or more. Our baby will be in attendance of his or her own shower. I think announcing a birth and then having to say it didn't happen would be too hard on us. Thank you for the thought! I can't wait for the day we do get to have a baby shower!
So, those are the questions I received. I combined some that were similar to save space. Thank you all for sending them and being so awesome. Next week we are meeting with our super supportive adoption coordinator to talk about where we stand at this point and what we can do to move it along. Next month we have to start renewing that mountain of paperwork that we conquered last year in order to keep our home study up to date. Fun times!
If people keep sending questions, I can do a part II later on. Thanks for reading!
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