Lost In Fog and Love and Faithless Fear

The Hold Steady-A Slight Discomfort

It all comes down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of failure.

I've come to realize that it's all about overcoming the unknowns. The countless possible outcomes that will likely never even happen- or 99% of them wont anyway- stand in my way mentally. The process of getting past this is proving to be hard though. No matter how diligently you work to live fearless and march forward, those little questions pop in every so often. A part of your brain asks why or when or how, but there are no answers.

I'm a girl who functions best when there are answers. I need the lay of the land, complete with rest stops and a final destination. It doesn't even have to be a happy ending. I simply need to know what happens at the end of this story. I'm not one to enjoy the middle of anything- not books, not movies. I want to know the characters, their goals, and then whether or not they achieve said goals. It's impatience I suppose.

Our adoption updates are not super exciting. We let a few things expire for our home study and are now scrambling to get everything in order. We are doing it mainly apart from each other due to work hours and other obligations. It makes a person feel disorganized and frantic. We still have not had any additional contacts, despite listing our profile with America Adopts, sending out oh, I don't even know how many pass along cards- hundreds, and our letter going our through our agency quite a bit lately. I know it only takes one, but damn, I am really over this silent inbox and phone.

April brings another bonspiel for John. He's heading to Durham soon and I'm staying behind this time. I've had enough curling for a little while. It isn't the best spectator sport. May brings another Frank Turner show...squeeeeal! He will be here in Atlanta this time around, so no road trips or new adventures. Though, if anyone wants to ride up to Nashville with me, I would totally go to that show too! The kidney walk is in May too, I'm feeling not great about it this time around. I think it's because there is just too much on my mind otherwise, so I haven't had time to get my team together and plan out anything fun for after.

I have found it really hard to blog lately, which is weird, because I'm never short on words. Usually something will come to me in the car, or as I'm trying to sleep at night. When I try to write now, it comes out trite and shallow. Never do I want our story to stop having meaning and depth. When I go to write what I really want to say lately, it sounds dark...darker than it probably really is. I guess I feel a little lost in it all right now. Aimless blog posts don't do anyone any good.

I do have a Q&A coming up. This will be our 3rd edition of Q&A...part one can be found HERE and part two can be found HERE . Related also is the post I did about "Other People's Theories" on why we have yet to adopt is sort of in the form on Q&A.

Until next time.