Adoption Love Link Up: The Humanity Of It All

I joined an adoption blog link up via the blog Adoption Love . You can click on the icon in lower right to read the other blogs in the link up. Each month there is a topic you can write about, but you don't have to. This months topic is so perfect for what has been happening in our adoption quest lately. So, here it is, the question of the month and really, the question of my life right now. 

How, if at all, has adoption changed your view of humanity (for good or bad)?

This is such a complicated question. The answer is yes, but not a simple yes and not only for good or bad. Really both. Let's start with the good, because we should always appreciate the good in things first right? 

Let's talk about having our eyes opened to the women who make the ultimate decision to place their babies for adoption. The women who put themselves aside to make sure their babies have the best chances at life. Let's appreciate the fact that in the face of a nearly impossible decision, they can pull all of their strength together and choose adoption. That is foremost in my thoughts when I think of my current view of humanity. I am in awe of their strength and determination. I am in awe of the fact that they choose to trust another family in raising their babies. My heart gets so full at the thought that one day someone will find that trust in us as well.

The good also includes the support people in adoption. I am focusing on the support people of the adoptive couple, since I really don't have experience with the expectant mom's support circle. To see friends and family step up and support us the way they have is simply humbling. I see the good in people every time someone shares our profile, this blog, or our Facebook page. I see the positive in humanity when they grieve with you over losses and near misses. When someone is willing to trudge through a Babie R Us/Toys R Us combo store to find one little thing to fulfill that hole in your heart for the day- that is love and support. When someone goes out with you on a Friday after work, even though they are tired- that is support. That is the good in people. 

The good includes the amazing staff at our adoption agency. No matter how much someone tells me that they are paid to be supportive and listen to me, I wont believe they don't genuinely care. You can hear it in their voices and see it in the time they take away from their days to talk to us. You can see it in their faces when we go to support group or the holiday party or picnic that they honestly are happy to see us. They keep my faith in this process going. Without them the days would be so much more difficult.

Unfortunately, yes, I have to say that this process has also brought a dimmer viewpoint on a part of humanity I didn't even know existed. Oh, to be naive again... Sigh. Apparently, there are people out there that will contact you just for fun or out of malicious intent. Just knowing that there are people who want to kick you while you are down, (down on infertility, down on the waiting process etc) really just gets to a very very sad place in my brain. To think that any human would intentionally want to mess with people who are coming from such a place of honesty and yearning, it really just blows my mind. There is a place in my heart that has become quite distrustful of new people and new contacts. I don't ever want to be, but it becomes a sort of self defense that happens automatically. Unfortunately, the more you put yourself out there, the more these sorts of people find you. You really just have to learn to have a thick skin and keep believing that your baby's first mom is going to find you in this web of internet and agencies. 

The other negative view of humanity I have incorporated into my life is of the people who judge before they understand. Initial bad reactions to us having a Facebook adoption page, a blog, an Instagram, Twitter etc. No, I really don't want to do those things to complete our family, but I also don't want to keep feeling this emptiness that is childless life. To some that is not empty at all, but to me it is. Empty, lacking, unfulfilled. It's not an urge my brain has, it is an urge that my soul has. If I could stop it, I would. If I could go on living my life childless, I probably would, because who in their right mind puts themselves through all of the judgement and stress of adoption? Well, when you want nothing more than to have a child and your body can't do that for you, you do what you have to. So, to the people who have dampened my view of how supportive you should be or how simply understanding you should be: let's sit down and talk this out. I want to understand your point of view and I want you to understand mine. It is only fair that we understand each other before the judgements start. Set up a coffee date with me or come for a walk. Write me an email or comment on my blog. Let's see where each other is coming from in a constructive way. 

So, in summation, I cannot say that this adoption process has swayed my view of humanity in one way or the other completely. I think just like every other journey in life, you see the positives and negatives along the way. It hurts like hell to see the sides of humanity that are just out to be harmful, but in the end, they aren't who matter. Your baby matters. OUR baby matters. Our baby's birth mom matters, our friends and family matter. You focus on what matters and keep on going. Even in the thick of it all, I love adoption. I love it because my family will be created through adoption.

If You've Got My Back I'll Go On

I really don't have an organized train of thought for this post, I just really need to write to get some feelings out. I struggled with whether I should say anything at all about recent adoption developments, but it just helps so much to get it all out there. We've had a loss. A pretty major one. Without being too specific, we were talking to a potential birth mother for about three weeks and it ended abruptly. Abruptly and in a really sad way. It's just so hard to go from thinking of names, travel arrangements, holidays, birthdays to absolutely nothing. I'm not putting this out there to get sympathy, I just need it off of my chest. Right now I am still carrying it around with me and I am sure John is too to some extent. I let my brain go there even when my guard was up. I am hopeful that this post will help me let it go. Taking a deep inhale now, letting out an even longer exhale.

So yeah, there it is. We must move forward, we must stay strong, we must stay hopeful. Our adoption coordinator (who is just so awesome, by the way) reminded me that it is okay to mourn this as our loss. She said it is okay to miss speaking with the potential birth mother, no matter if it was all real or not, because we got close so fast, building a bond that generally seemed rooted in truth and mutual respect. No matter what the whole story is, there is a feeling of loss there too.

You know, I do feel better writing it all out. To our friends and family who didn't know, I apologize, but we knew the risks of things not working out and wanted to spare many people from that heartbreak. Adoption is love, but adoption is also hard as hell for all involved. It will be worth it in the end. IT WILL. It has to be or no one would ever do it.

We are back to waiting and waiting for something to happen. October we will go on the last minute hospital list, upping our chances for a last minute placement. We have necessities for baby in case we have to grab a bag and go. It is 5k season, so I am back at trying to be in shape for those, which is great for getting my mind off of this huge loss. I have one race in October and two in November so far. I tried and failed miserably at curling (FYI: lunges in yoga and lunges on ice are not the same AT ALL). Mad props to John for being strong enough for that craziness. I on the other hand, sweat in a way I can only describe as "fountain-esque" and three days later can still hardly use my legs. More on that when I complete my challenges requested on Facebook in exchange for sharing our adoption stuff. So close to finishing the last challenge, but I have needed extra time due to distractions (see first paragraph for distraction).

Something funny is this week's soundtrack. Since our loss started Friday night and we had to buck up and celebrate birthdays Saturday and Sunday (John and his mom are a day and some sorta years apart- happy birthday John and Susan! More on John's birthday in a bit.) reality didn't start setting in until Monday. Monday I felt only the need to listen to music that screamed at me or cussed at me or took me to a place I could feel what I needed to feel. Tuesday I couldn't help but listen to music that took me to dark places- solemn, lovesick and hopeless songs. Wednesday was starting to get a little more upbeat- with hope in the melodies and rebellion in the lyrics. Today, I allowed full on shuffle, not cutting out the happy tunes or feeling bitter and sad at those bouncy, feel good songs that are usually saved for a sunny day off. What I learned? I can read my own moods, even when I am not in touch with them, based on what is playing in my headphones. Good to know, self.

Geez, this post is going on forever. I canna help it (Outlander fans? Anyone? Canna? Didna?). Some happy as heck things... I baked a cake from scratch for John's birthday. It was dark chocolate with dark chocolate icing and too rich to just sit and eat. Lesson learned. Next time I will go more fudge that dark chocolate. We had lunch at Big Chow Grill, compliments of my parents. We loafed around on the couch despite plans for activities, mostly due to being so full we couldn't move. We listened to records on the living room floor and stuffed some more food in after a while. All in all, I think he had a good birthday. Next up is out 7th wedding anniversary on October 6th. I am sure we will eat more foods that we shouldn't and do something out in Atlanta or something. It is TBD. Seven years married and 13 years together! Go us!

Cake!

And a Frank Turner song, because I'm feelin' it. Today's mood, we are gonna make through this and come out on the other side better than ever. If Ever I Stray:

Ch-ch-ch-ch Changes...

I have been giving a lot of thought to "growing up" lately. Yeah, I know, I am 34 and technically grown up. The thing is though is no matter if you are legally an adult, you never stop growing and changing. The experiences you have in life change you. Really, every single experience you have alters who you are at least a little. From something that is small in the scheme of things, like coworkers treating you disrespectfully- to huge things like, illness, loss, marriage, college, and the adoption process, who you are gets tweaked just a little (or sometimes a lot). Sometimes (usually, hopefully) you are stronger from your life experience and sometimes you have a bit of setback before you find your strength.

Going over this infertility and adoption saga in my head is what has me really thinking about who I am now vs. who I was when it all started. Even though we knew pregnancy would be hard on my two time kidney transplanted body, we still headed into trying to get pregnant with optimism and naivety. When month after month and then a year of negative pregnancy tests piled up into soul crushing disappointment, we were no longer naive. We were educated and worn down, though a little hardened on the inside. We had become people who knew too much about ovulation and too little about actual pregnancy.

The same has happened with adoption. We were so relieved when we finally decided to pursue adoption. I will never forget the moment that we said it out loud. I had just had the test where we found out it wasn't going to happen without corrective surgery and even then it wasn't a given. My mom had gone with me to this awful, painful test and driven me home that afternoon. John came home later that night and I had to tell him the details. Sitting on the bed- I cried and tried to sputter out the words that once again, my body was betraying me. I felt like I was failing him. He held on to me for a while, so I could pull myself together and we then looked at each other like we knew what was next. I think John said it first- time to go back to looking at adoption (we had already researched it years prior). We were changed forever. We had a new identity: infertile couple, couple who want to adopt a baby.

We went into adoption naive as anyone ever could. No amount of free information sessions or pamphlets could prepare us for what adoption truly is. No personal experiences told by people who have already adopted could compare to what our process would be like. They are all so different. Having your home, your health, your finances picked through to be approved by the state to adopt, suddenly looking at those aspects of your life and questioning if they are good enough, looking inwardly rather than looking forward. We are changed again for good. We live our lives better, healthier, in a way we would want our child to live. We have another new identity: we are people who are cleared by a bunch of databases as "people fit to adopt".  What a feat!

I really can hardly remember the people we were before now. I remember being a little less worried all of time. I remember focusing on the fun part of our lives rather than the business side, saving money for vacations rather than legal fees. I remember being more lighthearted, but it seems so long ago that it's barely even a memory. I remember being less suspicious of people and feeling less judged. But I also have a feeling I was a weaker person back then.

I am honest to a fault, empathetic, sympathetic, and eager, while being a realist, cynic, and pessi-optimist (that mood swingy place people find themselves in sometimes). John is strong and stoic, he is warm and a great caregiver. He is level headed and soft hearted. We are changed for the better. Our new identity: People who can grow from this.

Here we sit. With hope in our hearts and fear on our minds, waiting for that day we can say that this adoption journey is not over, but starting another chapter.