If You've Got My Back I'll Go On

I really don't have an organized train of thought for this post, I just really need to write to get some feelings out. I struggled with whether I should say anything at all about recent adoption developments, but it just helps so much to get it all out there. We've had a loss. A pretty major one. Without being too specific, we were talking to a potential birth mother for about three weeks and it ended abruptly. Abruptly and in a really sad way. It's just so hard to go from thinking of names, travel arrangements, holidays, birthdays to absolutely nothing. I'm not putting this out there to get sympathy, I just need it off of my chest. Right now I am still carrying it around with me and I am sure John is too to some extent. I let my brain go there even when my guard was up. I am hopeful that this post will help me let it go. Taking a deep inhale now, letting out an even longer exhale.

So yeah, there it is. We must move forward, we must stay strong, we must stay hopeful. Our adoption coordinator (who is just so awesome, by the way) reminded me that it is okay to mourn this as our loss. She said it is okay to miss speaking with the potential birth mother, no matter if it was all real or not, because we got close so fast, building a bond that generally seemed rooted in truth and mutual respect. No matter what the whole story is, there is a feeling of loss there too.

You know, I do feel better writing it all out. To our friends and family who didn't know, I apologize, but we knew the risks of things not working out and wanted to spare many people from that heartbreak. Adoption is love, but adoption is also hard as hell for all involved. It will be worth it in the end. IT WILL. It has to be or no one would ever do it.

We are back to waiting and waiting for something to happen. October we will go on the last minute hospital list, upping our chances for a last minute placement. We have necessities for baby in case we have to grab a bag and go. It is 5k season, so I am back at trying to be in shape for those, which is great for getting my mind off of this huge loss. I have one race in October and two in November so far. I tried and failed miserably at curling (FYI: lunges in yoga and lunges on ice are not the same AT ALL). Mad props to John for being strong enough for that craziness. I on the other hand, sweat in a way I can only describe as "fountain-esque" and three days later can still hardly use my legs. More on that when I complete my challenges requested on Facebook in exchange for sharing our adoption stuff. So close to finishing the last challenge, but I have needed extra time due to distractions (see first paragraph for distraction).

Something funny is this week's soundtrack. Since our loss started Friday night and we had to buck up and celebrate birthdays Saturday and Sunday (John and his mom are a day and some sorta years apart- happy birthday John and Susan! More on John's birthday in a bit.) reality didn't start setting in until Monday. Monday I felt only the need to listen to music that screamed at me or cussed at me or took me to a place I could feel what I needed to feel. Tuesday I couldn't help but listen to music that took me to dark places- solemn, lovesick and hopeless songs. Wednesday was starting to get a little more upbeat- with hope in the melodies and rebellion in the lyrics. Today, I allowed full on shuffle, not cutting out the happy tunes or feeling bitter and sad at those bouncy, feel good songs that are usually saved for a sunny day off. What I learned? I can read my own moods, even when I am not in touch with them, based on what is playing in my headphones. Good to know, self.

Geez, this post is going on forever. I canna help it (Outlander fans? Anyone? Canna? Didna?). Some happy as heck things... I baked a cake from scratch for John's birthday. It was dark chocolate with dark chocolate icing and too rich to just sit and eat. Lesson learned. Next time I will go more fudge that dark chocolate. We had lunch at Big Chow Grill, compliments of my parents. We loafed around on the couch despite plans for activities, mostly due to being so full we couldn't move. We listened to records on the living room floor and stuffed some more food in after a while. All in all, I think he had a good birthday. Next up is out 7th wedding anniversary on October 6th. I am sure we will eat more foods that we shouldn't and do something out in Atlanta or something. It is TBD. Seven years married and 13 years together! Go us!

Cake!

And a Frank Turner song, because I'm feelin' it. Today's mood, we are gonna make through this and come out on the other side better than ever. If Ever I Stray: