Finding My Zen State. Again.

Once upon a time, I wrote this post for America Adopts Finding My Zen State While Waiting to Adopt . If you know me, or read this blog at all, you know that Zen state comes and goes. I am, or I should say WE are, on a mission to find that Zen state again. And keep it.

The goal is to enjoy every moment we have child free. To really appreciate each other and our freedom to whatever we want at the drop of a hat. Once we adopt, we will never be just the two of us again. Even when the kid is grown and out of our house, we won't be a family of two. There are wonderful things to celebrate about just being us. Here is a short list of the good things about being a party of two:

- If we feel like it, we can eat ice cream for dinner. We have no one watching and learning from our poor choices yet. Once we have a kid, there have to be actual meals, with veggies! Ok, so we do eat that stuff too, but a Saturday movie night? Ice cream is ok!

- We can hop up and go somewhere whenever we want. If we both have the weekend off and want to hop over to Athens or Chattanooga or Asheville, we totally can. We only need to pack a few items of clothes at most. This is not to say you can't take impromptu trips with a baby in tow, it's just way more complicated. Did you pack everything you need? Diapers? Formula? Extra clothes? Pack n Play? Entertainment? Could it possibly fit in the car? What about his or her sleep schedule? Alternately, can Grandma and Papa babysit over night? (Hint hint Grandma and Papa!)

- Oh, we got a text that our favorite band is playing at the Masquerade! Better hurry down there! Yeah, that isn't happening with a baby in the house.

- Using the restroom in privacy/silence. I've heard the stories. I know we will be giving this luxury up. Nothing more needs to be said.

-Sleeping through the night! Sweet sweet sleep. We sure do love it. For now, we sleep soundly. The future is not so well rested.

- Wearing  baby vomit/poo/drool free clothing. I mean, that's nice. I think we can all agree on that.

We would give all of these things up in a heartbeat, but for now, we are making the most of it all. More curling trips, maybe another trip to Philly to see one of my BFFs again, more beaches, more mountains, more concerts, more of each other.

Can we also talk about life lessons? I often joke that I've had too many of these, but it's not true. You can never learn too much in your life. The friends I keep referring to who are adopting before us or matching or just going crazytown with the contacts? These are people we care for. People we want to be happy. We want them to adopt and have their kids be our kid's friends. We have to keep up the soul searching to be happy for others, while supporting our own feelings of grief. A very wise friend of mine told me the other day "Sarah, you have to let them have their adoption stories too". A life lesson.

Goodness, Lisa T! You are always such a inspirational person. I don't know if I say this enough, but thank you for being you.

Things are rough, people. I'm not going to lie. This has been the most challenging thing we have every done. This process is what you make of it. Sometimes it takes hard experiences to remind you to do better, be better, and just do you. We are going to do us and others will do who they are. It will 100% be worth it. We will 100% come out of this one one piece... no, three pieces: mom, dad, and baby.

Thicker Skin

Light in the midst of darkness on my walk to work today.

I woke up feeling light-hearted today for the first time in a long time. I don't have a good explanation for it. I've been off of Facebook for a couple of days, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I have had to deal a lot lately with reconciling my feelings of jealousy and feelings of joy for friends either adopting quickly and/or before us or having many many contacts while we sit silent or get scammed again and again. It's a full time job processing those conflicting feelings. Maybe it's because I started my Frank Turner listening party at 5:30am this morning. That never hurts.

I'm going to be honest, I had kind of forgotten how it feels to be happy. I know, that sounds dramatic. There is a difference between moments of happiness- like when we have our nephew and he cracks us up- and just simply being happy in general. Man, I hope this lasts. I hope it isn't a total freak out that I am mistaking for elation. My chest is feeling relaxed for the first time in a while. It has just been so tight for, I'd say months. Is there fear that we will never adopt looming? Of course. Is there sadness that another day passed that was not the day we became parents? Of freakin course. Do I feel some grief trying to sneak in? Ugh, yes, but I'm fighting it.

We have to be the best version of us in order to be awesome parents, which I know we will be. This means not giving in to jealousy, despair, or anger at the process. Okay, so some people adopt right away and that isn't us. We will be stronger for it. We will love our child that much more, because we had to fight so hard for this. We've always had to fight hard for everything we have. We are at a place that the only thing we are fighting to achieve is parenthood. The rest has been settled. We can get through this one.

That's all I really have today. It's been hard to write. It's been hard to feel the things I've needed to feel. I have 3 blog posts that I wrote, but never published, because I've been too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy in this process.

May I always see the road rising up to meet me and my enemies defeated in the mirror behind. My adoption wait anthem: