Guest Post: Our Open Adoption - One Year In - Part 1

 

 This is a guest post from Marisa, a friend through our agency and mom through open adoption. Please take the time to read both parts of her contribution. Her story is so motivating for waiting adoptive parents and the relationship they have with her daughter's birth mom is simply beautiful. (Part two is up! clicky!)

 I'm so honored that Sarah & John are letting me tell their readers a bit about the open adoption I have with our daughter's birthmom, B. Sarah & John have opened their hearts so much to the world in order to provide a glimpse into their very interesting lives via this blog and their other social media accounts. By being so forthcoming they have already proven that they will be a great match for someone looking to place their child for adoption.  They truly seem to have the right heart for open adoption!

The Beginning
 

We waited a long time, almost 4 years, before we became parents to the most beautiful and perfect baby girl. We had a lot of ups and downs, and close-calls and heartbreaks. Adoption is not for the faint of heart! And then, poof, overnight, our lives changed in the most unimaginable amazing way ever. It was a Monday night, just about 13 months ago that I got the initial message: Baby Girl, born Sunday, super healthy... would you like to be considered? I woke my husband, and he seemed honestly a little confused, so I took him not saying no as a YES! and agreed to our profile being shown to B., the baby's mother.

The next day, Tuesday, I got a call from the facilitator we had hired and was asked if we were ok with the openness that B. had requested. B. was asking for a phone call every 3-4 months. That's it. No visits, no other contact, just a phone call every once in a while. I remember my answer so clearly: "I don't think that's enough!"  We had been wanting an open adoption and hoping to have a really good relationship with our child’s birth parents, so the minimal amount if contact wanted seemed really, really minor. A few hours later, we got the news - we had been chosen to be the parents of a very special little girl, whom we named Elise!

Meeting Elise’s Birthmom

When you are adopting from out of state, which we were (we live in California, and Elise was born in Nevada), you have to wait in the baby's birth state while both states look over paperwork and give their consent to you leaving with the baby. Soon after we got the word that Elise's birthmom had signed all of her paperwork terminating her rights (in Nevada, once signed, it's irrevocable), I heard that she wanted to have dinner with us. We coordinated it through her agency, and decided on Friday, which was two days after we became Elise’s parents.

I was for sure very, very nervous. She chose a steakhouse at an off-strip casino/hotel because she knew it had a quiet area that could give us some privacy.  When we walked in she was waiting for us already and we just hugged and hugged. I was surprised to see that she was about as short as I was, and very, very pretty. I can’t quite remember when I handed her the baby, I think it was right away, and she held her for the entire dinner. Seeing B. holding Elise did not stir any feelings of jealousy or discomfort for me at all. It felt perfectly natural, and I know it put B. at ease that we were already trusting her enough to hold our baby...Which is silly to even think otherwise because she had just given birth to this baby 5 days earlier and entrusted us to raise her, and my God, why wouldn't I trust her, she had done everything right, and given everything and just, DESERVED the respect and trust that I was feeling for her. Sorry, I get a little worked up when I think that anyone could think otherwise.  

Our conversation flowed easily, and in all honesty she did most of the talking. Not in a bad way, though. She told us her family history, her reasons for choosing adoption, what she knew about Elise’s birthfather, the story of Elise’s birth. She was told by her adoption agency that the kind of open adoption she wanted was not feasible, and so she reduced her “must haves” to a phone call every three months. She seemed so sad by this, and it blows my mind that her agency (not our regular CA agency) didn’t have clients that would be open to a more open adoption. She was pretty sure once she said goodbye in the hospital she would never see the baby again. She loves this baby. I mean LOVES her. She is not a dangerous person, she is not a threat of any sort. She is a hard-working, responsible, over-burdened, single mother who is trying to do right by both her children (her older daughter & Elise). 

It seems preposterous to me that it’s a bad idea to have her involved in our lives. We talked for about an hour, then ordered dinner, then talked for about 3 more hours. I think the restaurant wanted us to finish up, but we ignored their attempts. Although there were tears shed by all of us, the only really difficult topic was when we told her we had changed Elise’s name. At that moment I was ready to add four more names just to honor this amazing woman (but in the end we kept her name as my husband & I decided).

A few days later, my husband had gone home and I thought maybe B. wouldn’t mind having dinner with us again and then maybe popping into a Picture People at the mall. I wasn’t sure how open she’d be to it, but I shouldn’t have worried, she was all in. We ended up not making it for dinner (she was running late and then I lost my car keys. For over an hour I scoured the hotel room, and then finally found them stuck in the inner springs of the sofabed!) During that time I was sending panicked texts to B.  and she was talking me down and trying to get me to retrace my steps. I think it made me more real & human, but it was a bit on the embarrassing side. 

We ended up getting some beautiful pictures from the session. We have ones of all three of us, just the two of them, and just me & Elise.  I know that Elise will treasure these forever. It was a very special moment. If that wasn’t amazing enough, I found out the reason she was running late. At the end of the photo session B. presented me with a gorgeous silver memory box from Things Remembered. She had it engraved with Elise’s name, and “a mother’s love never ends” and B.’s initials.  Inside the box was one knit baby bootie. B. had bought the booties when she found out she was pregnant, and decided to keep one and give one to Elise. So now on her monthly birthday, I take a photo of her with the bootie :)  I’m so humbled by this woman’s sacrifice and love.

Stay tuned for part 2, which I will be sharing tomorrow!