Selfish Selflessness And Other Oxymorons

First business, then thoughts, feelings, updates...

This week will be a busy one on the blog. As of this morning, I have two guest posts to share, one of which I plan on splitting up into two posts if it makes sense when I finally get it sorted. I'm still waiting on a couple more, but those may come over time, since I don't want anyone to feel rushed. Feel free to send submissions to sarahandjohnadopt@gmail.com if you want to share your thoughts on adoption in general, John and I, or ya know... something related would be best. 

So many thoughts and feelings. Here it goes.

Just adding some sunshine, before I get all introspective in this post.

I'm constantly having to remind myself that I, and WE, are stronger than this struggle.

Let me repeat that. We are stronger than this struggle. When I want to throw my hands up in the air and quit, oh and I soooo have, I have to remember that this is our dream. This is a dream that we cannot give up on. Someone I met through IAC once said to me- paraphrasing here- that the only thing that guarantees that we wont adopt is quitting.

I hesitate to share, because my feelings are not all that positive right now. Well, some are, but overall I've been having a bit of a pity party for myself and John. I am working hard to end this mindset, believe me. I'm sure I am repeating myself, but sometimes it needs to be expressed again. Waiting to adopt comes with extremely complex emotions. Joy and grief, hopefulness and hopelessness, feelings of great support and feeling utterly alone.

July is apparently THE month to adopt. Multiple friends have adopted or are matched with an expectant mom due in July. Of course I am so happy for each and every one of them, but with that happiness comes that little selfish voice of "Why not us?". I have found in this waiting process that it is impossible to be entirely selfless. I am selfish with my emotions. I am trying to be selfless with my friends and family.

When people waiting less time than us adopt, immediately self doubt comes rolling back in, introspection begins tearing up your self worth and ruining your days. I get where I want to stay home, where it's safe and judgment free. Where no one can get to us to ask why we haven't adopted yet (though with the internet, that still happens, but at least it isn't face to face). Home has TV and music, games, beds, cozy couches... all safe and secure...all comforting.

Those feelings of "I must be doing something wrong", even though you know you aren't, come to the forefront. I've seen many families wait years and they never did anything wrong. They all were awesome and beautiful and seemingly perfect people to be adoptive parents. So why be so hard on myself? I cannot answer that. I guess blaming yourself is easier than blaming others or blaming luck or lack there of.

I refuse to let this beat us down. I think it's ok to grieve, but then find your inner strength and keep at it. I know that whatever amount of time we have to wait for our child will be worth it. It wont erase what all we have been through, but our child will be loved and cherished more as a result. I want to end this post with how hopeful we are, but I'm struggling with getting those words out right now. They are caught in this heavy place in my chest.

All we can do is try harder. Put ourselves out there more. If you can find it in your heart, please share our information. Mention our adoption wait to just one person today. I have pass along cards that I can mail anywhere in the US. If anyone has any unique ideas about how we can network, we are open to suggestions.

We are going on vacation soon. Expect photos and some renewed energy and positivity shortly. Also, see our new slideshow here: SLIDESHOW OF FUN!

Now music, because music can change your entire outlook on the day. And I do love a bearded man with a guitar.