Rejoice, Rebuild.

I have started, deleted, restarted, saved, deleted, edited, deleted, and restarted this post dozens of times over the last few months. There has been this whole "tell it all as it is" theme on the blog, but then we adopted. Yes, we adopted! After years of pretty terrible experiences in the wait, I am a mom and John is a dad. The day before we met our son, I had convinced myself it was never going to happen.

Here is where I slacked- We adopted back in March! Yes, 3+ months ago. The thing is, everything became so much more personal and private the second we met our son's birth mom- the second we met our son. I wanted to shut you all out. I wanted privacy. To hold it all as close to my heart as possible.

The adoption wait forced us to be public with what used to be our very private lives. It was never anything that felt good or right to us.

Our adoption story is shared with a beautiful woman who chose us to parent her son. Our adoption story is our son's adoption story. For these reasons, I don't feel like it is right to share details that don't solely belong to me.

I will say this:

The pain of the wait is still there. The sharp edges feel smoother, the intensity is lessening. No, what we went through in the wait will never make sense. We will always wonder why scammers exist and why we had to experience pain and grief. I am grateful the close calls didn't work out, as I cannot see our lives without our son.

Now he is four months old. We met him a few days before he turned three weeks. It was scary, exciting, gut wrenching, and wonderful. It was so much more than that too. Emotions happened that there are no words for in any language I know.

We are humbled. We are so in love. 

I ask that you send his birth family thoughts of love and strength. I ask that you understand that the details are no longer mine alone to tell.

Our sweet Lucas: 3 weeks old

Yesterday: 4 months old

I'm not sure if I will keep up the blog. It has been a great release for me. I have tons to say about grad school,  kidney health, Frank Turner shows, and parenting. I'm about to go hardcore at school to try to get through it faster, so that will take up most of my computer time. I honestly doubt I have any readers left after not posting for so long. Hello, if you are still out there! (echo.. echo... echo)

Rejoice, rebuild. The storm has passed.