Guest Blogger Sarah, At Your Service!

Just a quick little update to toot my own horn. The adoption site americaadopts.com asked me to write a guest blog post for them. You can find it here: ermahgerd...mah post!

Very thankful that they allowed me to share some thoughts on their site. I was having quite the rough morning when John sent me a text saying they published it today. We even look a little cute in the picture! Please pass it on and share this blog as well. We are STILL waiting for our baby to make his or her way to us through open adoption. The feelings are real, people. Really real.

The feelings, they make you want to do this.

You Have A What?! Whoa!

Subtitle: I get that a lot.  

Note: I thought of this blog post topic about 2.5 miles into a 5k on Saturday. The original version, which was only notated in my head, was extremely passionate and motivating. This is a version of that. You want to hear one more like the original, join me at a coffee shop or dinner. I can really get going!

I was #100! Pretty cool.

I think that I would be failing with the true openness of this blog if I didn't touch on chronic illness and adoption. I want to address any concerns that people (particularly potential birth moms) may have about placing a baby with a person who happens to also be a kidney transplant recipient. I can totally see why, if you don't know the facts, people would be hesitant. Let me tell you what this does and does not mean for adoption, raising a child and life in general.

What it does mean:

- Having a kidney transplant means that I had to grow up before my time. Due to this, I have been more responsible and have always had to have my head on a little straighter than my peers. Sure, I had my fun in college, but I had to face my mortality more than once over the years. It changes a person.

- Having a chronic illness means I know how to fight. Not punching, scratching, kicking fight. Like fight for acceptance, fight for health, fight for every.single.thing. I have. What does this mean for baby? It means I am prepared to fight tooth and nail for our child. Fight for equal treatment and access to education, travel, food, shelter... You name it, I can conquer it. There is no shyness here.

- Having a suppressed immune system means that I will likely catch every little illness our child brings home from school.. and I will probably catch it twofold. Totally worth it.

- Having gone through a lifetime of chronic illness means I try harder than most people and I don't dare give up. I try harder at everything I do. There is no one example, because I put forth the greatest effort a simply everything. This will be no different when raising our child.

- Having gone through a lifetime of hurdles (hurdles that I overcame as if they were teeny tiny anthills bytheway), I look at life differently than most people. I think this comes into play in raising a child, because you can share with him or her not to take things for granted and see the bigger picture.

- Our child will always go to fundraising events with us and learn that caring for others is just as important as caring for yourself. I spend a decent amount of time raising awareness and money for organ transplants and kidney disease awareness. Instilling a basic understanding of empathy and giving in our child is so important to us.

- It means I am healthy. It means I can be a parent.

What this does not mean:

- Having a kidney transplant does not mean I wont live long enough to see our child grow up. Not only is my life expectancy normal at this point, but there are also medical advancements every day, only making the future of kidney disease and transplantation brighter.

- Having a chronic illness does not mean I cannot get down on the floor and play or run around outside playing chase or hide and go seek. Ask my nephew! In fact, thanks to kidney transplantation and my living donors, I can run and play and live an active lifestyle.

- Being a kidney transplant recipient does not make me weak or timid or sickly. In fact, most transplant recipients I know are the exact opposite. Strong, healthy and determined to prove that we can make the most out of our "borrowed time". 

I have had so many people tell me that I shouldn't be up front with my status as a transplant recipient. Why? It is not who I am, but it is a big part of who I am. I am alive and healthy and able to adopt because of it. Why would I want an open and adoption and then hide such a huge part of my life? That doesn't make any sense to me. I have had three kidney transplant friends who have adopted babies and they are active and involved parents. Hell, I know people who are pre-transplant who are active and involved parents. There is no reason to fear placing a baby with someone like me. Really, it is just another reason to choose us. We have already been through the ringer and came out stronger on the other end. John and I have proven we can kick butt and smile doing it.

Me and my living donors. Raising awareness!

Happiness Is All The Rage

It took a few weeks too long, but I am starting to see the light in adoption again. I really wish I could explain in detail the things that have happened that took me down such a dark path psychologically, but it really is just too personal- not only to me, but to John and to possible other parties involved. Or not... that's the problem really. That was the struggle this last few weeks. Had someone really messed with my mind to such depths or was it all real? Was it something real that ended in true tragedy? We will honestly never know. Either way, I finally feel free from it. It will always be there and I certainly lingered on it too long.

The last few days, I have felt revitalized in this whole adoption process. I have been able to let myself picture what could be and accept that possibility that it could be just John and I again this Christmas. We are thinking of ways to make the best of it, like a trip or some unique way to celebrate. I think keeping busy is the best way to deal with all these "family" type of holidays. Sure, we have families and we usually spend holidays with them, but when you are working on yet another Christmas without the one thing you have been working towards, when you are celebrating another holiday saying "this could be our last one childless!" you can get disillusioned. I am not going to let that happen! I am not going to let this process dictate how I feel for the next 3 months.

So, this is how this "holiday gloom" is NOT going to happen. I have three 5ks in the next two months. One tomorrow, one November 6th and one on November 22nd. I am looking for December races, so suggestions are welcome. I still have plans to do more kickboxing, I just want to get my own kickboxing gloves, because - shared gym gloves... eewww. John was supposed to buy them for me for our wedding anniversary (um... waiting...). I am also taking a MOOC (massive open online course) via Colorado State University. The subject is exploring student affairs in higher education. So far it is just information I know from working in higher ed, plus some theory stuff. It is ungraded and go at your own pace. Nice to pass some time and read some student developmental theory at the same time.

You guys will have to ask John what his plan is. He is on his feet so much at work, I can say for sure that he wont be doing any races with me or punching any punching bags. He busies himself enough for 10 people, so I am sure he will get through this just fine.

My Friday sign off includes the following: It is exhilarating to feel hopeful and happy again after a month of feeling like I fell down a hole that had no bottom. I find myself grasping at every happy moment in fear that these feelings will slip away. I have a new outline for the book I have started and stopped multiple times. No wonder it takes authors 20 years to write one novel. I want to meet the following people in real life:

Frank Turner (ok, I did already, but he was blitzed. It doesn't 100% count)
Henry Rollins (Once stood near him at a concession stand, doesn't count)
David Sedaris, author
Stephen Fry, author
John Cusack, actor
John K Samson, musician
Any and all transplant recipients and living organ donors/families of deceased organ donors, because (insert heart here). No pun intended!

Don't judge me.

You know, they say that people are more willing to become organ donors if they know someone who is a transplant recipient. Now you all do, at least via interwebs. Just sayin'.

Question for readers. Any certain topics I should cover? Any new questions about adoption or anything else? I am getting some new questions "in real life" now that we have been waiting longer. Is a new Q&A in order? 

The Weekend in Photos: Anniversaries Are For Eating!

John and I celebrated out 7th wedding anniversary Monday, October 6th. We did the actual celebrating over the weekend with too much food and some art appreciation. I can honestly say that I love him more today than I ever have. Hopefully next year will be celebrated as parents. I will let the pictures tell the story of the day.

Prosciutto and arugula pizza at Baraonda! John's had scrambled eggs on it. Ick!!

Swinging on the art installation at the High Museum of Art!

View from inside the High Museum. It was a beautiful day.

This is a cafe bach from Cafe Intermezzo. Mmmm caramel.

Tiramisu from Cafe Intermezzo. Drool.

Us 7 years ago!

Spike demonstrating how we felt after eating so much food and walking over 5.5 miles! Pretend Spike's spot isn't that covered in cat hair please.

Things are pretty good. Still trying to find a new groove in life after hitting the one year mark waiting for baby. I went to a kickboxing class and loved it. Looking to sign up for a series of classes to get in shape and feel like a badass while I am at it. Curling league season started, so John will be curling more. I am down to the wire on whether I will take a grad class in my program in January. The deadline to turn in paperwork at work is Nov. 15th. I know it is the right thing to do as far as my future, but not so sure it is right for my present.

We are looking to get the heck out of dodge around Christmas if baby still hasn't found us. A B&B in Asheville or cabin in North Georgia would do the trick. A fireplace and some together time would be lovely.

I am a little obsessed with a cover of a Postal Service song. I don't like the Postal Service- like at all- but this cover of "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" by Frank Turner, Ben Marwood and Franz Nicolay (known mostly for being in The Hold Steady) floats my music loving boat.

Freakin wonderful. For real.

This is Sarah and this is my Wednesday night sign off... I am worn down, but I am hopeful. I've been in a dark place, but am beginning to see the light again. I was weak, but am getting stronger. Adoption is our path, adoption will put us back together.

Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?

All aspects of life aren't about John and I, but honestly, right now it feels like it. It sounds so absolutely greedy and awful to think that. Hitting the year mark of waiting "live" with our adoption agency has apparently hit me much harder than I had anticipated. I have a restlessness and a feeling of such deep sadness and longing that I can't express to anyone in actual words. I know John is feeling something similar. I can see through his silence (that's John speak for "things suck").

No one wants to be all "me me me", no one wants to blab their grief and anger to everyone they see. Sometimes it just builds up so much that you have to tell someone something, anything really. It's just that the words get stuck in my throat. Or when I start to tell someone anything about it, I over analyze their faces and decide they are sick of hearing about the adoption and how much waiting simply sucks.

I've been set off today. A couple of things I can't talk about on the blog have me in a full fledged sneaky hate spiral (please click and read, you will not regret it). Those same events have me battling the negative emotions with pleas to myself to just accept situations, people, events for what they are and keep going. A year isn't a long time to wait for our baby. A year feels bad though. It's that mental boundary you set up. The same little part of your brain that told you that you are cool and everyone will see it and want you to raise their babies, also told you that you wouldn't be waiting years like other people.We were warned by the agency that all waiting families are super cool and special in their own ways, so not to think that way. But you just hope that you might stand out as just slightly more perfect for someone's baby.

Even as I write this, I am beating up on myself of what I could have done or shouldn't have done in the last year to change things. The answer is nothing. It's all what some people like to say "fate" or what some call a "crapshoot". Good luck, bad luck, no luck. It happens when it is supposed to blah blah blah etc...

I think it is ok to feel empty and sad for a bit, as long as you can find a way to pull yourself together and keep moving forward. The past few weeks have been my empty, sad, hard bits. Trying incredibly hard to claw my way out. For John and our future baby mostly.

I don't know how to end this on a positive note. Just know that if I don't feel like I can help you right now, it's because I'm trying so hard to help John and I be happy. Right now we have to be selfish. We have to take care of our little 2 person family in order to get through this.

I read a good article today about the mistakes people make when trying to help others. I am guilty of some of them too, but it is a good read for any support people (profanity warning! read the article here)

I guess the bright side is that we are learning a valuable lesson in patience. Not to mention how damn spoiled and loved this baby is going to be once it finally happens.