It took a few weeks too long, but I am starting to see the light in adoption again. I really wish I could explain in detail the things that have happened that took me down such a dark path psychologically, but it really is just too personal- not only to me, but to John and to possible other parties involved. Or not... that's the problem really. That was the struggle this last few weeks. Had someone really messed with my mind to such depths or was it all real? Was it something real that ended in true tragedy? We will honestly never know. Either way, I finally feel free from it. It will always be there and I certainly lingered on it too long.
The last few days, I have felt revitalized in this whole adoption process. I have been able to let myself picture what could be and accept that possibility that it could be just John and I again this Christmas. We are thinking of ways to make the best of it, like a trip or some unique way to celebrate. I think keeping busy is the best way to deal with all these "family" type of holidays. Sure, we have families and we usually spend holidays with them, but when you are working on yet another Christmas without the one thing you have been working towards, when you are celebrating another holiday saying "this could be our last one childless!" you can get disillusioned. I am not going to let that happen! I am not going to let this process dictate how I feel for the next 3 months.
So, this is how this "holiday gloom" is NOT going to happen. I have three 5ks in the next two months. One tomorrow, one November 6th and one on November 22nd. I am looking for December races, so suggestions are welcome. I still have plans to do more kickboxing, I just want to get my own kickboxing gloves, because - shared gym gloves... eewww. John was supposed to buy them for me for our wedding anniversary (um... waiting...). I am also taking a MOOC (massive open online course) via Colorado State University. The subject is exploring student affairs in higher education. So far it is just information I know from working in higher ed, plus some theory stuff. It is ungraded and go at your own pace. Nice to pass some time and read some student developmental theory at the same time.
You guys will have to ask John what his plan is. He is on his feet so much at work, I can say for sure that he wont be doing any races with me or punching any punching bags. He busies himself enough for 10 people, so I am sure he will get through this just fine.
My Friday sign off includes the following: It is exhilarating to feel hopeful and happy again after a month of feeling like I fell down a hole that had no bottom. I find myself grasping at every happy moment in fear that these feelings will slip away. I have a new outline for the book I have started and stopped multiple times. No wonder it takes authors 20 years to write one novel. I want to meet the following people in real life:
Frank Turner (ok, I did already, but he was blitzed. It doesn't 100% count)
Henry Rollins (Once stood near him at a concession stand, doesn't count)
David Sedaris, author
Stephen Fry, author
John Cusack, actor
John K Samson, musician
Any and all transplant recipients and living organ donors/families of deceased organ donors, because (insert heart here). No pun intended!
Don't judge me.
You know, they say that people are more willing to become organ donors if they know someone who is a transplant recipient. Now you all do, at least via interwebs. Just sayin'.
Question for readers. Any certain topics I should cover? Any new questions about adoption or anything else? I am getting some new questions "in real life" now that we have been waiting longer. Is a new Q&A in order?
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