A Fight Worth Fighting

I know I always say I love a good challenge, but this is intense! It is has been seventeen emotionally and psychologically challenging months since we went live with our adoption agency. Seventeen months of highs and lows and all that comes between.There are days that I love adoption with such intensity, after all it will bring our baby to us. There are days that I cannot even utter the word. I find myself calling it "the A word" or "shmershmoption" or "that thing I just can't bring myself to talk about right now".

I guess in the scheme of things, seventeen months isn't so long. If you add in all the time we spent getting me healthy, then infertility and then the home study, we have been waiting like-  oh I don't know 8ish years to have kids. What's another day right? (FYI another day feels like hell sometimes!)

So many good things are happening right now that it's hard to feel down about it all. I'm driving to Greensboro on my birthday to see my favorite singer Frank Turner. Frank...on my birthday. The only thing better would be hanging with our newborn on my birthday. If that isn't going to happen, then  singing my face off in the front row of a Frank Turner show will have to do. I pre-apologize to all of the people I am going to mow over to get front and center. It's probably best that I am going to the show alone. No one needs to see me in that state!

How I feel at a Frank Turner show!

How I look at a Frank Turner show (screaming internally)

Seconds before I met the man himself!

 It probably sounds really cheesy, but I don't think I would have gotten this far in the adoption wait without his music. Even though it often makes me want to throw my entire life into one backpack and take off across the world, it also has kept me motivated in my little suburban Atlanta life. Motivated to keep working for what I really want, decide who I really want to be in this life and take charge of that. I don't want to ever have any regrets or think of my life as wasted time. Raising our child to be a good human being is a life goal of mine so I, along with John, find the strength through whatever motivates us to move forward.

The two days following the Frank Turner show, I will be on a trip to Asheville with my mom. We decided this year to celebrate our same day birthday with a getaway. My mom and I have that sort of relationship where we can hang out and chat, do fun things. I fully expect to eat too much. We could both use some time away from every day life. Of course I am not so secretly thinking Asheville is close enough that I can get back to Atlanta if we have a last minute call for baby. Or some serendipitous event will happen that our baby just so happens to be born in Asheville while we are there. Then John would be hustling to get up there as fast as he can. Oh, stop it daydreams!

I really wish I could ignore those thoughts and just have fun away from home. It lingers in the back of my brain at all times. The phone rings- I see an unknown number and I get a bit of an electric shock through my chest. Ooh, this could be it! Nope, just the American Heart Association with a public service announcement or a wrong number asking for Booba. Buba? (true story, like a million times over). 

We are going to a little informal gathering of people we met through our agency support group on Saturday. It always feels good to surround yourself with like minded people. These are people who know exactly how this waiting to adopt deal feels. No one is going to offer up suggestions to find a surrogate or to adopt a baby who has been given days to live (sad, but people do send me this stuff). They all just get it. They are our peeps if you will. We meet up every so often outside of official support group and have dinner and drinks, talk about where we are in the process, and let each other know that whatever feelings we may be having are justified. Sometimes that is all it takes... knowing that your feelings are both acceptable and shared by others.

John is busy working on the Atlanta Curling Club's first bonspiel ever.  Aloha Y'all! If you are a curler and want to eat off of an entire pig, now is your chance! I'll be there volunteering as much as they need me. Or put on your best (warm!) Hawaiian gear and come down to watch. Details linked above.

In adoption news, it is almost time for us to start our home study renewal AGAIN. Ohmygod. I really was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I think we have to start most of the paperwork and fingerprints at the end of March or early April. The FBI background check takes the longest of all of the processes. We have to go to the police station, get our prints done and then snail mail them to a government agency. Then we wait an average of 8-12 weeks for the results- though I hear it is taking longer lately.

We also have to be cleared by the GBI, our doctors, a lot of state agencies, and a social worker who will come to our house for a new home visit. The only thing good about a home study renewal is that there are actual steps to take, rather than just having that uneventful waiting we normally face each day. Oh man, the stress. I am sure hoping someone contacts us before we have to go through all of this.

Maybe all of you readers could help out by sharing our information on whatever social media you use? Or mention to every face you see that this fantastic couple in Georgia are just bursting baby love from their hearts and are waiting to adopt? No, like my heart does at times feel like it could burst!

Share our Facebook page or this blog or our official adoption profile . Tell them we are committed to having an open adoption with the birth family. Letters, phone calls, visits, whatever we can work out. We are waiting to adopt a newborn in the USA. We are not approved for other countries or older children (children over 12 months).

I'm signing off as hopeful tonight. Hopeful, because we have so many people cheering us on and helping spread the word that we are waiting to adopt. I am hopeful, because perfect strangers are rooting for us. I am hopeful, because adoption is love. 
 

The Forward Crawl

I'm saying yes again. Yes to adventures, yes to just about anything. Spike is alarmed:

You are doing what?

 I have done this experiment a few times over the past couple of years and it always ends up with such a higher quality of life and happiness. So, from today until the end of March, I am saying yes to everything reasonable. Unreasonable categories include stuff that will get me hurt or killed (obvs), anything to do with exoskeletons, or eating things that lived in the ocean or any body of water really.

Previous "yes" months have taken me on so many new experiences and introduced me to new things and new people. Last week I said yes to a punk show, which I hadn't in a yearish- because, work..ugh, my love of having personal space, that fear of being that old broad in the back... But, I said yes and it was fan-freakin-tastic. I had a lot of thoughts my younger self would have cringed at, but that is just part of getting older and developing a sense of self preservation. Ha. I lacked that when I was in my early/mid twenties. So, yes to more shows and yes everything else. Work and life can't get me down! No way!

Here is your chance friends and family. I can't say no unless I absolutely have to! 

We saw Againt Me! It was fun, but weird. The first time I saw them, it was just Tom and Dustin in a crusty house in Athens,GA. Dustin was playing a metal tub and Tom was on an acoustic guitar. Now it is Laura Jane Grace and no Dustin. But really, it was just as if she was playing a house show. She wasn't so separated from the audience- let people run up on stage, sing with her, general house show shenanigans. The funny part was that she acted genuinely concerned for every crowd surfer/mosh pit dare devil who fell or got banged around too much. Even paused the show to hand out random people's keys that fell out in the pit.

Copying and pasting my FB post from the morning after the show to prove how uncool I can be at age 34:

Things I thought whilst at a punk rock show last night that my younger self would be ashamed of:

- I hope we can stand far enough back to not get hurt.
- That guy looks like trouble. If anyone is going to knock me down, it will be him. Jerk.
- The girl next to me is smoking pot during the show...how rude.
- I wonder if all this bouncing about is registering on my fitbit?
- I want to take pictures, but I'm worried I might drop my new phone
- Oh no, that guy is sweating...and jumping around...what if I get random man sweat on me..
- I hope this is over by 11, I have to get up early and work tomorrow
- I don't know this song, must be from the last 5 years... playing something from 14 years ago.
- Hmmm I wore a cardigan to a punk show. so.not.punk.
- Crowd surfing is the stuff nightmares are made of
- I hope these people have had their vaccinations 

Would do again. Definitely. Whiny inner voice and all.

Laura Jane Grace is absolutely mesmerizing in person!

In other news, next month is my 35th birthday! Woot! Party like it's 2015! I really am starting to accept the fact that I am likely (barring some miracle) turning 35 childless. This was not the plan people! I was born on my mom's 28th birthday. She basically gave her birthday up to me until I was a teenager! We usually hang out and celebrate our combined birthday with some tacos or something. I feel like 35 is sort of a momentous birthday. It is sort of the last birthday you have that doesn't seem like a climb to 40...

35 is a birthday you celebrate. It's not a birthday to dwell on things you don't have. Do I wish our baby was celebrating with us? Uh, yeah... so so much. I'm just going to sit back and feel impressed at what a functional adult I have become despite my urge to only do what I want all of the time...


So, yeah. Just wanted to update real quick. Things are pretty good. John is keeping busy with curling. I am back into my old workout routines, which take up a decent amount of time. I have started my Kidney Walk team (Team Walking Beans) for the 7th year in a row. The Kidney Walk is May 30th at Turner Field if anyone is interested in joining us! Nothing passes the adoption wait time quite like distraction. I might be starting to obsess over The Hold Steady lately. Sorry, Frank Turner... you are still #1, but gotta mix it up a bit. Anyone have any additional distractions for me?

Hopelessly friggin' hopeful.

Yours Truly - Sarah

You Down With OPT?

"OTHER PEOPLE'S THEORIES" 

People love to know the why's and what's and when's of things. It is a natural human condition to want explanations, to put forth your own theories and to even test them. In adoption, there are just not many explanations to be had.

When people hear that we have been waiting over 16 months "live" with our agency, they want to tell us why they think that is. They volunteer their opinions about what could be "wrong". First and foremost, nothing is wrong, adoption just takes time. Since we are just now approaching the average wait time, I would like to review what "average" means.

Average
: a number that is calculated by adding quantities together and then dividing the total by the number of quantities

: a level that is typical of a group, class, or series : a middle point between extremes

This means that if the average is around 18 months to wait for placement, a whole bunch of people wait way longer than 18 months and whole bunch of people wait less. This also means that we aren't doing anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with us. I would like to discuss some of the theories that have been expressed to us by friends, family, strangers, and even medical professionals. Most of these come from a place of love and concern, however misdirected they may be. Some of them come from a place of a complete lack of understanding of how open adoption works. 

Are there not enough children out there to adopt? I have heard there are so many kids who need homes in this world! Just adopt one of them!

We are waiting to adopt domestically- infant adoption... actually the plan is newborn adoption. We are aware that there are children in orphanages all over the world and children in foster care in the US who need homes. At this time, for personal reasons, that is not the path we chose. Could it be our path should we decide to adopt again? Sure, it is possible, but right now we are home study approved to adopt a newborn to 12 month old though domestic, meaning USA only, private/agency adoption. We are not foster to adopt approved, which requires a whole different set of classes and a different home study. 

Maybe you haven't been chosen, because you have a kidney transplant? Shouldn't you hide that?

Well, it could be a reason for some pregnant women to pass us up I suppose. It could also be a reason that someone chooses us though. Someone might connect with it on some level, like if she knew someone in her personal life who was a transplant recipient, who she loved. Or if she saw how strong I am, despite the label of "transplant recipient". If she saw how completely normal my life is, despite dealing with health stuff. If she saw how strong John and my bond is, since we had some extra struggle in our life as a married couple. 

But I will never hide it. Never. I am proud of the fact that I have survived two kidney transplants. That I succeed, even though life has thrown so much at me. I do everything everyone else does, minus eating sushi (danger!). I am healthy and well adjusted. So, no I won't hide such a huge part of who I am.

Maybe you guys aren't very photogenic. You look better in person than in the pictures on your profile.

Um. Ouch. This really has happened! Is that constructive criticism? I'm not sure. Does anyone look fabulous as a flat image? Does anyone look natural when they are taking the most important photos of their lives- the photo that will represent them to the prospective first mother of their child? When the agency rejects the first 40 submissions, because there are shadows or the sun is not right? We didn't smile with our teeth? My teeth don't smile. Do yours?

We are normal people just like everyone else. We make goofy faces and feel silly forcing smiles at cameras. We are happy with our pictures or else we wouldn't have chosen them to represent us. I think everyone looks better in person!

And actually, we are quite cute in photos....

If you stopped thinking about it, it would happen. 

You try to stop thinking about the one thing you want more than anything in this world....  Also, my brain isn't magical, thinking about adoption often wont curse us into a life of infinite waiting.

If your letter has gone out THAT many times and you haven't adopted, maybe your letter isn't good enough.

This has been said to me a few times. It isn't really about "good enough". It is about what clicks with someone. Literally any word could click with a prospective birth mom. Our letter is due for a revitalization soon, but it is still a good representation of who we are.

Your blog is too somber sometimes, I bet that it is turning people away.

Maybe it is dark sometimes, but adoption is dark sometimes too. The aim of this blog is to be real. One day we can read it and reflect on what a total roller coaster it all was. A roller coaster that will end in the creation of our family. I bare my soul on this blog. I wholeheartedly expose what it is like to be in the adoption wait- the good, the bad, and the utterly weird! 

I am a person who is honest to a fault. If in the end this blog ends up being our downfall, then I would be really shocked. After all, open adoption is all about transparency and openness.

All of that said ...

This is not a somber, negative blog post. This is a glimpse into the things that people waiting to adopt may hear. Another case of maybe being too transparent about our adoption process. Over-sharing, over-dissecting my own thoughts, and simply over having to explain that a family coming together isn't up to how we smile in a photograph or how little or much we share about my health history. There is a higher "fate" to it all. A "meant to be" if you will.

We appreciate all the support and people getting involved. It is nice to know that people think about us enough to even form theories about our wait.

As I always like to sign off... we are ever hopeful, we are ever thankful, we are here for the long haul.

For a little more facts and conversation about what people say to waiting adopting families, visit A Little Adoption Q&A and Q&A Part Deux