"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous
I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?
Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.
It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.
About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.
Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.
Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?
I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.
Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight.
This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have.
The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?
It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.
In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.
This post was inspired by a friend I met through our agency. This morning she shared a post from a year ago.
Shared with permission.
Just last night John and I had a conversation about Christmas. How its four months away, but it seems like there is no hope for us to adopt before then. It was a 30 second conversation, yet it felt so heavy.
We are basing our view of the future based on the past, but no one can really know what the next four months hold for us.
Our last adoption situation that fell through happened so fast. It went from watching TV, not expecting to do anything but sleep that night, to calling the after hours answering service for our agency in mere minutes. I certainly didn't sleep that night! Of course, that situation didn't work out and that's fine. It did in fact give us hope and remind us how quickly life can change.
But it's so easy to lose sight of that. When day after day goes by with no inquiries about us- no emails, texts Facebook messages, nothing. No calls from our agency asking "Can you get to (insert town/hospital here) ASAP?" Not a peep. Unless you count "Lung" who wants to "do a project with us". Real email. That was all it said. Thanks, but no thanks Lung.
But look at what a difference a year can make for a fellow waiting adoptive family (now a family of three!). Weeks before they were matched with their daughter's birth mom, Chelsea and I were messaging each other wondering if it would ever happen for either of use. Wondering what we could do to move this along. She didn't have to wonder much longer.
There is hope. At any time, that could be us.
This has not been my favorite part of life. The waiting, the longing, the ups and downs- it's all just so incredibly stressful. Talking to friends and remembering how life was before this undying urge to be a mom kicked in, it makes you long for those days. When your biggest worry was who you are going to hang out with that weekend or what coworker is giving you grief at work.
It's not easy, but I can't help but think it will be worth it. When adoption friends post pictures of their longed after children, or relay stories of how they met the children's birth parents, or "firsts" of everything being parents- it's all giving me the energy to keep at it. Yes, your stories of diaper blow-outs somehow still encourage me to stay the course.
Here we sit, still waiting, still trying to pass the time. I'm back in grad school, trying to make something more of myself and John is about to start curling again. John is also looking forward to football season. It's not really my thing (I know, don't judge me!). We will hit two years live with our agency next month, many more years than that trying to become parents. We will mourn it, even though it will appear to just be a day like any other. You have to mourn things to get past them.
Here's hoping our lives change in an instant too, preferably tomorrow? next week? Universe, are you listening?
Who know one person could experience such a range of emotions in such a short time? I'm not even talking about the waking up positive and immediately opening an email from an adoption scammer in Cameroon promising BABIES NOW (really?! so scammy).
I am talking about the emotions you experience throughout the entire adoption wait. It goes like this:
You decide to adopt. There is likely relief that your battle with trying (and failing) to get pregnant is over. You mourn a little, because who doesn't mourn the loss of a part of your body not functioning as it should? You cry, but it honestly feels pretty good. You throw out all of the ovulation tests and pregnancy tests in the house (you think- but somehow those show up on bad days, whilst you are cleaning out the bathroom cabinets). Good timing pee tests...
You go to the weekend intensive session at the agency and it just.feels.so.right. You leave so hopeful, so excited, you are FINALLY going to be a parent.
You start the paperwork for the home study. You might buy one teeny little blanket, because your heart is so full of hope that a baby will be bundled up in it soon. You tear up a little, the good kind of tears, as you pay for the little ducky blanket. Man, you can practically smell the baby poop, that's how close you think you are!
Every step of the home study you complete, you feel accomplished. One step closer to holding that sweet baby. Paperwork..it feels orderly and so very doable. You get to make lists and cross things off- so so satisfying!
Your home study gets completed. Interviews went well, a little nerve wracking, you wonder how that other person's name slipped in and why no matter how much you said you loved your aunts, why it says you aren't close to family... but these things get corrected immediately. A lovely letter and certificate come in the mail proving that both the state and the country find you fit to parent. Party on.
The letter writing process makes you literally roll around on the floor crying out of frustration. Picture after picture is declined. "Smile with your teeth", "Have one of your cats with kids" hahahaha, if they only knew...our cats disappear if a kid is within hearing distance. Trade "our home" for "our house", cut 23 more words. The excited parent-to-be inside you is screaming "please, please, please, just approve it and let us go live".
The letter is done, your official profile is online. With great excitement and fear, you sit with your significant other and write up a Facebook post to announce to your friends that "Yes, we will finally be parents... through adoption!!!!". Your friends offer words of congrats and support. They start spreading the news, eager to help out. It's a love fest. We love them, they love us, we feel warm and safe and determined.
Three months of dead silence. Worries arising, but spirits up. But then a close call. A very sick baby, too many unknowns, and baby's mom wants a closed adoption. Low Apgar scores and some googling and talking to doctor friends. Heartsick, we pass on the situation. The hardest thing ever... so we thought. If we only knew then what we know now.
Boot straps pulled up, you find peace that the sick baby wasn't your baby. Your baby is has yet to be born. Positivity and excitement find you yet again.
Scammy email after scammy email. Even some scammy phone calls. Someone pretending to choose you. Someone you got close to and cared for. Someone who had you picking up the phone to check on them even after the truth came out. Someone who wants to pray for your soul (and also sell you embryos?). At first you laugh it off, saying "people are so weird". Then you cry it off "people are so terrible". Then you get past it "I feel sorry for her that she has the psychological problem that causes her to lie so much".
Drama. Miscarriages, house fires, car fires, drug raids, deaths... or so they say. Your emotions get all wrapped into their lives, but it's all made up. You want to help, but you can't, because it was all made up. You feel for them, but you shouldn't, because it was just someone messing with you. Your faith in the process dwindles. Your faith in humanity wavers. Another hopeful contact turns bad and you are exhausted. You cry, you get mad, you shut down, then you pick yourself up again and move along.
All this time, you have to tell friends and family... "yes, we are still waiting, no there is nothing wrong with us, yes, we could still use your help spreading the word, please don't make me beg for help.. it's just too hard"
The shares on social media slow down. People start avoiding the topic all together at dinners with friends. People have lost interest.
A near match... a neardoption . You were at the top of the world, but then it failed. You got too many hearts involved and therefore too many hearts broke when he wasn't your baby. Not our baby. You swear to never tell another soul about a possible situation again until baby is home for good. So many hearts to protect, but who is protecting yours?
Your adoption friends start getting matched with expectant moms, some adopt practically overnight. The weird feeling of yaaaay....no....yes...no overwhelms you. You sob for the babies that aren't yours. You sob about the expectant moms who chose other waiting adoptive parents over you. You sob until you are heaving, can't see straight, can't hold your eyes open anymore. Then you go out and buy your friend's new baby cute little onesies and hats, because that's what you do right?
And it's healing. Positivity finds you again. If the process worked for them, it will work for us too. They waited longer or almost as long, they had scams, they broke down too- over and over again. They often asked "Why not us?"
You get up the courage to start asking friends to share your adoption info again and it's just dead silence. They've moved on. Your friends are tired of hearing it, their friends are tired of hearing it. Waiting to adopt is so isolating.
Just so isolating.
I'm finding a new normal in this adoption wait. One where I feel like I can't tell my friends and family about how it's going. Good or bad. Good, you risk breaking their hearts when it goes bad. Bad, you just sound like a downer all the time and start alienating everyone.
These days we cope with making ourselves busy. I'm working on my book more, albeit mostly in my head or in jotted down notes. I'm getting these feelings out by singing as loud as possible along to music in the car or shower or even in front of the cats (they love it. so weird). John has curling stuff that keeps him distracted.
We are up, we are down, we are up, we are down. We will be parents one day.
I'd love to say I'm not posting another Frank Turner song, but I am. For those who care to listen, the man wrote yet another song that is better at expressing how I feel than I am. I know, I'm soooo emo.
It all comes down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of failure.
I've come to realize that it's all about overcoming the unknowns. The countless possible outcomes that will likely never even happen- or 99% of them wont anyway- stand in my way mentally. The process of getting past this is proving to be hard though. No matter how diligently you work to live fearless and march forward, those little questions pop in every so often. A part of your brain asks why or when or how, but there are no answers.
I'm a girl who functions best when there are answers. I need the lay of the land, complete with rest stops and a final destination. It doesn't even have to be a happy ending. I simply need to know what happens at the end of this story. I'm not one to enjoy the middle of anything- not books, not movies. I want to know the characters, their goals, and then whether or not they achieve said goals. It's impatience I suppose.
Our adoption updates are not super exciting. We let a few things expire for our home study and are now scrambling to get everything in order. We are doing it mainly apart from each other due to work hours and other obligations. It makes a person feel disorganized and frantic. We still have not had any additional contacts, despite listing our profile with America Adopts, sending out oh, I don't even know how many pass along cards- hundreds, and our letter going our through our agency quite a bit lately. I know it only takes one, but damn, I am really over this silent inbox and phone.
April brings another bonspiel for John. He's heading to Durham soon and I'm staying behind this time. I've had enough curling for a little while. It isn't the best spectator sport. May brings another Frank Turner show...squeeeeal! He will be here in Atlanta this time around, so no road trips or new adventures. Though, if anyone wants to ride up to Nashville with me, I would totally go to that show too! The kidney walk is in May too, I'm feeling not great about it this time around. I think it's because there is just too much on my mind otherwise, so I haven't had time to get my team together and plan out anything fun for after.
I have found it really hard to blog lately, which is weird, because I'm never short on words. Usually something will come to me in the car, or as I'm trying to sleep at night. When I try to write now, it comes out trite and shallow. Never do I want our story to stop having meaning and depth. When I go to write what I really want to say lately, it sounds dark...darker than it probably really is. I guess I feel a little lost in it all right now. Aimless blog posts don't do anyone any good.
I do have a Q&A coming up. This will be our 3rd edition of Q&A...part one can be found HERE and part two can be found HERE . Related also is the post I did about "Other People's Theories" on why we have yet to adopt is sort of in the form on Q&A.
Hi again everyone, John here, giving Sarah a break this week. She does such a great job writing and expressing our thoughts about the adoption process and our lives, and there's been so much going on lately that I wanted to share, so here goes.
Last weekend the Atlanta Curling Club hosted its first open bonspiel, which I happened to be the chair of! I've been working on this since January, organizing the event, getting the teams together, and working with the other members of the club to make sure everything was ready in time. I had so much to do I didn't even get to play! It was a long weekend, but everyone had a great time and Sarah and I even won a raffle basket for the first time ever!
Curling action:
After the bonspiel last weekend, I've been on vacation from work all week (a staycation, really). Time for some spring cleaning and organization in the Farrar house! I broke out the lawnmower for the first time this year and cut the grass, pulled up some old shrubs, and worked on some landscaping around the yard. It's great to have a week to be able to stay at home every once in a while and recharge, I can't help but think how much fun it will be after we adopt and there's a baby in the house. I haven't even gotten to everything I want to do this week, but I should have more time at home in the future, which leads me to the other big news:
After six years of working at the same store, I'm getting transferred to be closer to home! My commute will go from 30 minutes/1 hour to six minutes! I'm looking forward to starting at a new place, and especially excited about being able to spend more time at home with Sarah!
We are now at 18 months live with our adoption agency. The last few months waiting have been tough knowing that we are about to be waiting longer than the "average" couple in our situation waits. We haven't had any contacts lately, which sometimes makes us feel like we're all alone in this. But it just takes one, one click, one person to share our blog or facebook page, one person to leave one of our cards, one birthmother to find us and make the choice to choose us as adoptive parents. Thanks to everyone for your support, it means so much to us!
I know I always say I love a good challenge, but this is intense! It is has been seventeen emotionally and psychologically challenging months since we went live with our adoption agency. Seventeen months of highs and lows and all that comes between.There are days that I love adoption with such intensity, after all it will bring our baby to us. There are days that I cannot even utter the word. I find myself calling it "the A word" or "shmershmoption" or "that thing I just can't bring myself to talk about right now".
I guess in the scheme of things, seventeen months isn't so long. If you add in all the time we spent getting me healthy, then infertility and then the home study, we have been waiting like- oh I don't know 8ish years to have kids. What's another day right? (FYI another day feels like hell sometimes!)
So many good things are happening right now that it's hard to feel down about it all. I'm driving to Greensboro on my birthday to see my favorite singer Frank Turner. Frank...on my birthday. The only thing better would be hanging with our newborn on my birthday. If that isn't going to happen, then singing my face off in the front row of a Frank Turner show will have to do. I pre-apologize to all of the people I am going to mow over to get front and center. It's probably best that I am going to the show alone. No one needs to see me in that state!
How I feel at a Frank Turner show!
How I look at a Frank Turner show (screaming internally)
Seconds before I met the man himself!
It probably sounds really cheesy, but I don't think I would have gotten this far in the adoption wait without his music. Even though it often makes me want to throw my entire life into one backpack and take off across the world, it also has kept me motivated in my little suburban Atlanta life. Motivated to keep working for what I really want, decide who I really want to be in this life and take charge of that. I don't want to ever have any regrets or think of my life as wasted time. Raising our child to be a good human being is a life goal of mine so I, along with John, find the strength through whatever motivates us to move forward.
The two days following the Frank Turner show, I will be on a trip to Asheville with my mom. We decided this year to celebrate our same day birthday with a getaway. My mom and I have that sort of relationship where we can hang out and chat, do fun things. I fully expect to eat too much. We could both use some time away from every day life. Of course I am not so secretly thinking Asheville is close enough that I can get back to Atlanta if we have a last minute call for baby. Or some serendipitous event will happen that our baby just so happens to be born in Asheville while we are there. Then John would be hustling to get up there as fast as he can. Oh, stop it daydreams!
I really wish I could ignore those thoughts and just have fun away from home. It lingers in the back of my brain at all times. The phone rings- I see an unknown number and I get a bit of an electric shock through my chest. Ooh, this could be it! Nope, just the American Heart Association with a public service announcement or a wrong number asking for Booba. Buba? (true story, like a million times over).
We are going to a little informal gathering of people we met through our agency support group on Saturday. It always feels good to surround yourself with like minded people. These are people who know exactly how this waiting to adopt deal feels. No one is going to offer up suggestions to find a surrogate or to adopt a baby who has been given days to live (sad, but people do send me this stuff). They all just get it. They are our peeps if you will. We meet up every so often outside of official support group and have dinner and drinks, talk about where we are in the process, and let each other know that whatever feelings we may be having are justified. Sometimes that is all it takes... knowing that your feelings are both acceptable and shared by others.
John is busy working on the Atlanta Curling Club's first bonspiel ever. Aloha Y'all! If you are a curler and want to eat off of an entire pig, now is your chance! I'll be there volunteering as much as they need me. Or put on your best (warm!) Hawaiian gear and come down to watch. Details linked above.
In adoption news, it is almost time for us to start our home study renewal AGAIN. Ohmygod. I really was hoping it wouldn't come to this. I think we have to start most of the paperwork and fingerprints at the end of March or early April. The FBI background check takes the longest of all of the processes. We have to go to the police station, get our prints done and then snail mail them to a government agency. Then we wait an average of 8-12 weeks for the results- though I hear it is taking longer lately.
We also have to be cleared by the GBI, our doctors, a lot of state agencies, and a social worker who will come to our house for a new home visit. The only thing good about a home study renewal is that there are actual steps to take, rather than just having that uneventful waiting we normally face each day. Oh man, the stress. I am sure hoping someone contacts us before we have to go through all of this.
Maybe all of you readers could help out by sharing our information on whatever social media you use? Or mention to every face you see that this fantastic couple in Georgia are just bursting baby love from their hearts and are waiting to adopt? No, like my heart does at times feel like it could burst!
Share our Facebook page or this blog or our official adoption profile . Tell them we are committed to having an open adoption with the birth family. Letters, phone calls, visits, whatever we can work out. We are waiting to adopt a newborn in the USA. We are not approved for other countries or older children (children over 12 months).
I'm signing off as hopeful tonight. Hopeful, because we have so many people cheering us on and helping spread the word that we are waiting to adopt. I am hopeful, because perfect strangers are rooting for us. I am hopeful, because adoption is love.
Subtitle: There is no rhyme or reason to this post.
We are about 2 days short of 16 months waiting "live" with the Independent Adoption Center . Sometimes it feels like the never ending story (Well, typing that just led to a 10 minute youtubin' bonanza of Falcor videos! You can ride Falcor in Munich! ) I know what doesn't drive us absolutely insane only makes us stronger! That's the saying right? No? Well, we always have that pretty unimpressive looking Falcor "ride".
Did anyone else grow up thinking the Gmork lived in their fireplace? That is my childhood trauma. That and Return to Oz. Chills.
So sidetracked.
I feel like we are in an adoption wait "happy place". This can change day to day, moment to moment, but overall- I think we are dealing quite well. Those thoughts of "why not us yet?" or "why must we be stuck in this land of limbo?!" pop into my head and pop right back out these days. There is no real answer, so I am just going with the flow. I avoid message boards and support group Facebook pages these days, because I feel reading about things gone wrong only make a negative impact on how I handle this process. Believe me, I am aware of what all can happen, so it's not like I am turning a blind eye, just protecting myself a little.
We are keeping busy as usual. We went to the Pajama Curl bonspiel in Charlotte, NC over the past weekend. I was reminded that me going to anything that resembles a 72 hour party is a bit of a joke. I needed naps... multiple. I found that retreating to the hotel to watch a marathon of Law and Order SVU, was replenishing enough to make it through some of night two! John has a much higher energy level than I do and just kept going and going.
Since the theme was Pajama Curl, we saw more adult onesie pajamas in one place than anyone wants or needs to see in life. Grown men in onesies.... hmmm. Still unsure of that one.
I have pictures! Iphone quality, but pictures none the less.
That is John. Batman.
Some pj's were exceptionally awesome.
No, really. It was a real TMNT!
All of the teams that the Atlanta Curling Club sent. So many onesies.
Over all we had a good time. Good friends, good food- seriously, they fed us a TON of food. Charlotte still has Qdoba! Delish.
Coming up for adoption wait distraction we have Valentine's Day, John's sister's birthday (which is on Valentine's day! Kinda cool!), and my birthday is in March - the big 3-5! I keep telling people I will be 36, I have no idea why. Brainz not working. I am thinking maybe an evening out with friends... friends, you in? How does one party 35 year old style? Does it involve naps? I love naps. Another year, another nap. Better get to napping before baby comes!
Well, this turned into a nap themed post. Guess we all know how I am feeling today. Luckily, I have a hot coffee and a nice slow day at working coming up.
We are hopeful that this is our year. We are hopeful that someone who wants to place her baby with loving adoptive parents reads our blog and thinks we are pretty cool rather than the huge nerds we actually are (nerdy is in right? Oh good!). We are hopeful that you all will share our blog, our official profile , our open adoption Facebook page and our open adoption Instagram , where we are participating in the #hopingtoadopt60days get to know us challenge.
I leave you with our very own little luck dragon, Moe. #sunspotsforlife
