Thicker Skin

Light in the midst of darkness on my walk to work today.

I woke up feeling light-hearted today for the first time in a long time. I don't have a good explanation for it. I've been off of Facebook for a couple of days, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's because I have had to deal a lot lately with reconciling my feelings of jealousy and feelings of joy for friends either adopting quickly and/or before us or having many many contacts while we sit silent or get scammed again and again. It's a full time job processing those conflicting feelings. Maybe it's because I started my Frank Turner listening party at 5:30am this morning. That never hurts.

I'm going to be honest, I had kind of forgotten how it feels to be happy. I know, that sounds dramatic. There is a difference between moments of happiness- like when we have our nephew and he cracks us up- and just simply being happy in general. Man, I hope this lasts. I hope it isn't a total freak out that I am mistaking for elation. My chest is feeling relaxed for the first time in a while. It has just been so tight for, I'd say months. Is there fear that we will never adopt looming? Of course. Is there sadness that another day passed that was not the day we became parents? Of freakin course. Do I feel some grief trying to sneak in? Ugh, yes, but I'm fighting it.

We have to be the best version of us in order to be awesome parents, which I know we will be. This means not giving in to jealousy, despair, or anger at the process. Okay, so some people adopt right away and that isn't us. We will be stronger for it. We will love our child that much more, because we had to fight so hard for this. We've always had to fight hard for everything we have. We are at a place that the only thing we are fighting to achieve is parenthood. The rest has been settled. We can get through this one.

That's all I really have today. It's been hard to write. It's been hard to feel the things I've needed to feel. I have 3 blog posts that I wrote, but never published, because I've been too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy in this process.

May I always see the road rising up to meet me and my enemies defeated in the mirror behind. My adoption wait anthem:

Fire In Our Bellies

"Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
about fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings,
and the aching amplitudes that set our needles all a-flickering,
and help us with remembering that the only thing that's left to do is live" - Frank Turner, I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous


I was driving to work, newly adapting to some adoption news we had just received when this song came on. It's a song I've heard a million times before (possibly literally), but this time these lyrics it hit deep. Why are stalling our lives, stressing over when, where, how and mostly why not?

Waiting to adopt does not involve hitting a pause button of your life. It's about enjoying those little moments between you and your spouse, friends, family, whoever makes your world spin. It's about the silent moments in your home you know will be gone once your baby arrives. It's about running out to meet friends in a moments notice, because well, you still can and definitely should! It's about tacos on patios, funky coffee shops, and 6 mile early morning walks to take in the sights and sounds of the city you love.

It's about readying your home with the perfect rocking chair, buying that hilarious "hangry" onesie and hiding it away in a drawer all washed and ready to be worn by that little soul who will some day make it's way to you.

About going to the consignment sale not knowing who you are buying for and getting whatever you damn well please- boy or girl, gender neutral (in reality, isn't it all gender neutral?), tags on. or used by three other babies.

Take that job offer, even if it means you have to get a new letter for your home study. Take that trip, even though it will take you far away from home while you are on the last minute hospital list. Try something new, revisit something you used to love. Just don't hit pause.

Two years we have waited to adopt. Two years of alternating between calm and anxious. Two years of dreading holidays and birthdays childless again. Two years of feeling rejected when those around us adopt quickly. Two years of wondering why not us?

I want to wonder no more. I want to live my life as if adoption hasn't made me question absolutely everything about my life thus far. I want to go full steam ahead shouting that I am who I am! What you see is what you get! I am breathing in the air around me and feeling the life that it gives.

Record collections. Curling bonpiels. Braves games. Concerts. Laughing with your best friend until you can't see straight. 

This year, I want a giant REAL Christmas tree. Baby or no baby. I want to give presents to everyone I know and wrap them up in gaudy bows. I want to bake 300 Christmas cookies with my sister in law like we did the last couple of years, sneaking sips of Kahlua meant for the recipes, leading to many successes and failures in the kitchen! I want to hear my nephew's Christmas list and his amazing kid views of naughty versus nice. I don't want to wallow in what we don't have, but rather embrace what we are so fortunate to have. 

The one person who will one day find us fabulous enough to raise her child will click with us over something you can't predict- a lifestyle choice, a song, a sports team you have in common, the fact you spew your emotions all over the internet in the form of a blog? Yes? No?

It will happen. It will. It has to, because we've come way too far for it not to.

In the meantime, the only thing that's left to do is live.

What's The Frequency Sarah?

Love from Philadelphia!

 Whew, ok, I am back. A week or so of guest posts, a week of vacation, and a week of crazy, busy days at work made it really hard to update the blog!

We don't quite have a vacation post ready yet, but it's coming. I'll add a few sneak peak photos in this post. For now let's talk about adjustment. In the adoption wait, there are many things you have to adjust to. One is being in the spotlight. Now, I am not adverse to getting attention, but this is a different kind of attention. It is putting it all out there for strangers type of attention. Okay, I may never adjust fully to that sort of change, but I can cope with it.

Another big change to adjust to, and the main one I want to address is being left behind. When all of your adoption friends start adopting and moving on from support group or dinners out, you can start feeling a left out, left behind, self conscious of why it isn't you. This is what has happened to us over the last few months. All of the families we started with or met early on in the process have adopted or are at least matched! Great for them right? Agreed. For us? Eh...here come the insecurities... why, when, how, what the heck?

It's been hard on the self esteem honestly. I know logically that there is nothing wrong with us. I know logically that we aren't doing anything wrong. It sure is too bad that logic doesn't come through in this process more! Logic my friend, please stick around! Emotion rules this adoption roost. Emotion tells me to begin to isolate ourselves from newer waiting adoptive families. Emotion tells me it will hurt way too bad if they adopt before us, after not waiting long. Emotion tells me to hide away from all that has the slightest potential to be hurtful.

John and I are trying to adjust to being left behind. I had a week of self doubt and panic, but now I'm feeling like I should treat it as a good sign. You may ask "How is being left behind a good sign?". Well, perhaps, since all of these families had been waiting approximately the same amount of time as us, we will soon join them. Maybe we are in a sweet spot in the wait. Perhaps it's good mojo! Good adoption mojo is exactly what we need!

In other news, America Adopts published another post that I wrote! I just love the people over at America Adopts. So friendly, so informative. Here is a link to the post I wrote about living in the present, rather than the future: Enjoy! 

In other, other news, I keep hearing how pretty much everyone is adopting through word of mouth, personal networking, sharing, sharing, and sharing. Can I ask that people keep spreading that word for us? You just never know if someone you know might be pregnant and wanting to find a family just like us to parent her child. We are open to just about any situation, but our big thing is we want an open adoption. This can mean very open, like getting together and hanging out or phone calls or just emails and texts or whatever, really, we are that open. Super duper open.

Sharing is caring!

Another update is that I think we have to rethink the video concept as only one person has sent us their contribution. I think it may be a harder assignment than we anticipated. I tried recording myself even and it was hard! Fumbling, losing my ability to locate words in my brain! I so get it. We are thinking of getting together with the people who offered to help and doing it interview style. Maybe cutting down on how many contributions there are, because frankly, I need another couple terms in grad school to get this video editing up above snail speed. Oh yeah, I start grad school again on August 24th! Wish me luck! We will be in touch with those who offered to help with the video about the new plan. 

Thanks to all of you who read the blog and support us in other ways. It's been a tough road lately, but I have been assured that it will all fall into place one day. I feel like the second we hold baby boo, so much of this stress and hurt will start to fade.

Until next time.

The Bouncy Ball Theory

 I’ve been giving a lot of thought to human interaction lately. The simple contact we make with other people, either in passing or long term. How I met most of my friends through school or jobs, or in adoption support group. How much impact they have on my life. But also, how much impact a few seconds with another human can change your life.

I know people who make me constantly strive to be the best version of myself. I've met people in passing who have blown my mind and changed the way I feel about or how I do something.

When I was a kid- maybe beginning around age 11- I had this idea about how people and their interactions are like letting a ton on bouncy balls (you know, the ones from the grocery store coin machines) loose with great force in a giant room- except the room is earth or universe sized and the balls are billions of souls. The balls are like people bouncing off one another, sometimes lightly, sometimes hard enough to send a ball across the room, bouncing into another ball. Sometimes that same ball bounces again and again and again indefinitely off of many other balls. Sometimes the bouncy balls hit each other and come to rest together in their own little place. 

I’m wondering when we will "bounce" into our future baby’s first mom. Wondering if it is as random as it all seems or are our bouncy balls on some sort of predetermined path. It looks like chaos, like it’s all up to chance. I think as humans we always look for a reason for things that happen, especially the less favorable things like dead silence in an adoption wait, while others around you adopt. In a process that seems to have no rhyme or reason, I search. 

I’m so guilty of just saying “everything that happens is meant to be”. It’s something I’ve had to believe to make sense of a life with challenge after challenge. Maybe everything does happen for a reason or maybe it’s all random. Perhaps it really is all arbitrary events that lead souls together. 

At this very moment, events, decisions, actions are taking place that will lead a woman to us - who will choose us to raise her child. Events, decisions and actions that took and are taking place alongside each event, decision, and action that John and I have made and are still making. We are all spinning through this life, in a collision course with each other. 

What completely seemingly random or absolutely meant to be life events will lead us to our baby? How absolutely fascinating a thought!