Throughout the last (almost) year, people have had a lot of questions for me about adoption. I thought it would be nice to field some of the questions on the blog. I intended for John and I to answer them together, but due to the increase in the popularity of curling, he has been pretty busy with the club. These are my thoughts, but I ran them by him and he said he was cool with what I said.
What kind of adoption do you want? Open.. closed.. shared...
We are working with an agency who specializes in open adoption. Our hope is to have a completely open adoption, where we and our child have access to the birth family. This is psychologically best for the child and that is our main focus. Whether we keep in contact through photos and emails or frequent visits, we would like some sort of openness. I realize that there is no way to predict what kind of relationship we will have with our child's birth mom, so we are willing to deal with whatever comes our way, while promoting complete openness.
Does the age of the child matter?
Our agency specializes in newborn adoption in the US. This means that most are placed at birth, in the hospital. We agreed to up to a year on our profile, in case a situation like that comes up, but that is not the norm at our agency.
Does the race of the child matter?
We are open to all races, except Native American. This is not because we don't want to have a Native American baby placed with us, but there are some real legal issues with it. There have to be tribal clearances and they are considered more risky placements, since the tribe can try to disrupt the adoption. In an ideal world, we would be open to them as well, but it is extra stress that we are not prepared for.
Do you plan on telling the baby that he or she is adopted? If so, when and how do you plan on approaching the subject?
Yes! Let's put it this way, there is never going to be a time when our child is not going to know that he or she is adopted. We will always be completely honest about it. I know it is a difficult concept for a small child to grasp, but if we raise our kid surrounded by positive adoption language and open dialog about it, there should be a slow immersion into knowing. We also have some books aimed at very small children that explain adoption in way that is age appropriate. Since we are planning on an open adoption, it is likely that our child will know his/her birth mother or other birth family member, so that is pretty much a dead give away right? No secrets in the Farrar household!
How did you come up with decor ideas for the nursery?
There isn't really a rhyme or reason to it. If i had to pick a theme, I would say "calm". We picked the light green color, because it is soothing and gender neutral. We can't really pick anything for a boy or girl specifically, so right now it is a little bare. I picked the Peter Rabbit bedding, because I loved Beatrix Potter as a kid. I splurged on it, because a)it felt right and b) it was good quality and the quilt can be used for years and years (special blanky?), unlike a lot of the sets you can get at places like Babie R Us or Burlington. Other than that, if we see something that jumps out at us, we get it.
Formula or donated breast milk?
The plan is for our baby tobe formula fed. I wont get too far into this topic, because people can really get heated about it.
Do you plan on making your own baby food?
The answer is yes, the intention is there. I can't say there wont be a jar or so mixed in when life gets busy, but I do intend on making it all myself. That is how I will spend my Sundays probably. Steaming, blending and freezing the week's baby food.
Where would you like to take your kid on vacation?
Fun question! We do love vacations! We try to go to the beach or mountains about once a year. We both grew up going to similar beach towns in Florida, so we will definitely be continuing that tradition with our kid. We are in a great location to access a lot of vacation spots in the south. We can get to beaches in 5 hours or less, mountains in less than 2 hours and live 30 minutes away from the busiest international airport in the world.
I have big dreams of taking our kid on vacations to London, Paris, Sydney, etc. I want our child to experience the cultures of other countries. John is only just now warming up to my personal wanderlust, but I think these trips will be amazing opportunities for all of us.
Oh and let's not forget Disney World! One of the best parts of having a kid is getting to experience Disney World all over again!
How do you think your life will change the most after your child comes into your life?
How will it not change? Haha. Well, first of all, there will be someone else in our family to love like crazy. Really there will probably be multiple new people in our family to love like crazy, since we are looking to do an option adoption. Also, going out will take more planning! We will have to always think of our kid first and ourselves last. We kind of are already in that mindset really. There is nothing we aren't willing to give up for this though.
How would you define your potential parenting style (and how do you think that might change over time)?
John is the calmest person I know. He is super laid back and logical. I think his parenting style will represent that. I am more ...uptight, no....well, maybe a little more protective and slightly less relaxed. I think overall our parenting styles will be relaxed though. We want to raise a strong, independent person, so we can't be too overprotective! I am sure there will be plenty of reminding myself to let go a little!
Who knows how that will change over time. I think probably your style gets more relaxed as you learn your child's habits and personality. There are so many factors, that it is hard to predict how you may or may not be.
How do you think the adoption process has strained and/or strengthened your relationship with John?
This is a very complex question, which has a complex answer. Though we are on the same page in what we want, we do not deal with the wait the same way. Like I have mentioned before, John is super calm. Lucky him, he married someone who is guided by her emotions and gut feelings. John looks at things in a more sequential way... like these are the stats and figures and will worry about stuff once we fall outside of those lines. I am more like, holy crap, this feels like forever and these are comments people rudely make, and why is my brain doing this to me!??! So you can see why there could be some head butting! With that being said, I do think our relationship is being made stronger. If we can get through infertility, kidney transplant and adoption, we can get through anything right? John is my rock and my sense of calm. Without him, I would probably be much more intense. Can you imagine?
I bet you will get pregnant as soon as you adopt your baby? What would you do then?
Um.. nope. Just nope. It is statistically next to impossible for that to happen, because my body is kind of a jerk. We are happy with our plan to adopt and proper precautions are being taken to prevent that "miracle baby" people often tell me I will have (still...not possible). My medications will also not support a pregnancy at this point, so just NOPE.
When can we throw you a baby shower?
After baby is home and we are out of the revocation period. Until that time, we probably wont even announce that our baby has been born. The revocation period is a period of time that the birth mom has to change her mind after signing the relinquishment. The length of time varies from state to state. Some states have no revocation period, some have a very long one, like 30 days or more. Our baby will be in attendance of his or her own shower. I think announcing a birth and then having to say it didn't happen would be too hard on us. Thank you for the thought! I can't wait for the day we do get to have a baby shower!
So, those are the questions I received. I combined some that were similar to save space. Thank you all for sending them and being so awesome. Next week we are meeting with our super supportive adoption coordinator to talk about where we stand at this point and what we can do to move it along. Next month we have to start renewing that mountain of paperwork that we conquered last year in order to keep our home study up to date. Fun times!
If people keep sending questions, I can do a part II later on. Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
It's A Snow (Rain) Day
So, one weird thing about living in the Atlanta area is that everyone completely freaks out at the tiniest hint of winter weather. A couple of weeks ago, we had a storm that we were not prepared for on a city or state level. This resulted in what they are calling "Snow Jam 2014". All of the major interstates we at a standstill due to ice and all of the schools and business letting out at the same time. I know people who literally spent hours upon hours in their cars, trying to sleep, scrounging for those old water bottles that slip under your car seats and cuddling up with each other for warmth after they ran out of gas.
Well, we had another watch that started last night/this morning, so many school and businesses closed, including my office. So far it is only raining and the temperature is nowhere near freezing, but I am not complaining. I finished about 40% of a paper I was super stressed out about for my photography in instruction course. I watched 1.5 movies on Netflix (one was terrible, so it had to go unfinished) and I am about to work out for a little while. It's terrible, the older I get, the harder I have to work to get any results. I wonder if it will be even harder to get/stay in shape at 34, which is less than a month away. 34 years old... oh my god, how did that happen?
John's work pretty much never closes, since it is a grocery store. John is a manager and being there for this sort of "weather crisis", which will probably hit more tomorrow than today, is part of his job duties. There is no snow day unless he literally cannot get there due to road conditions. Hopefully if we get iced in, we keep power. Our lines aren't buried in our neighborhood, so I think we are a little more at risk for a power outage. I am kind of at a "I have to see it to believe it" about tomorrow's ice storm, since today's snow fall didn't happen. They keep saying that the situation has so many factors that the forecast is changing every three hours. Is that their way of saying they have no idea and don't want to be wrong again? Yeah, I think so!
The adoption is going well I suppose. No real changes and no contacts from potential birth mothers. Some people get tons of contacts before "the one" and some only get one ever that turns out to be "the one". We will have to start renewing paperwork in a couple of months. Every year you have to make sure all of the background checks and medical stuff is current or else your home study lapses and you are no longer eligible to adopt if someone does want place their baby with you. We bought a few things to pack in the case that someone who is due more or less immediately contacts us. We didn't get anything that would expire, but just a few little things to make getting ready easier if we have to get up and go. Maybe if we are super prepared, the universe will do us a solid and bring our baby to us. Nothing wrong with putting that thought out there right?
I am missing John and wishing he was home today. Normally I would be at work too, so I wouldn't be sitting around the house thinking about that. I have some stuff I want to do in the nursery and I did take pictures of what we have done so far, but I can't decide if it is a good idea to post them on the blog, since it could seem weird to potential birth mothers. I mean, I guess it shouldn't matter, because it shows how much the baby that we don't even have yet is already loved (thanks Erin for that!). We really are already so in love with our future baby, we just can't put a face or name- though we have names lined up as possibilities- to him or her yet. I will think about posting pictures. I just want to be respectful the expectant mother's emotions as well.
I could sit here and let my thoughts spill out all day, but I wont. Going to get my work out on and then work on those nursery details. I hope everyone stays safe and warm!
Well, we had another watch that started last night/this morning, so many school and businesses closed, including my office. So far it is only raining and the temperature is nowhere near freezing, but I am not complaining. I finished about 40% of a paper I was super stressed out about for my photography in instruction course. I watched 1.5 movies on Netflix (one was terrible, so it had to go unfinished) and I am about to work out for a little while. It's terrible, the older I get, the harder I have to work to get any results. I wonder if it will be even harder to get/stay in shape at 34, which is less than a month away. 34 years old... oh my god, how did that happen?
John's work pretty much never closes, since it is a grocery store. John is a manager and being there for this sort of "weather crisis", which will probably hit more tomorrow than today, is part of his job duties. There is no snow day unless he literally cannot get there due to road conditions. Hopefully if we get iced in, we keep power. Our lines aren't buried in our neighborhood, so I think we are a little more at risk for a power outage. I am kind of at a "I have to see it to believe it" about tomorrow's ice storm, since today's snow fall didn't happen. They keep saying that the situation has so many factors that the forecast is changing every three hours. Is that their way of saying they have no idea and don't want to be wrong again? Yeah, I think so!
The adoption is going well I suppose. No real changes and no contacts from potential birth mothers. Some people get tons of contacts before "the one" and some only get one ever that turns out to be "the one". We will have to start renewing paperwork in a couple of months. Every year you have to make sure all of the background checks and medical stuff is current or else your home study lapses and you are no longer eligible to adopt if someone does want place their baby with you. We bought a few things to pack in the case that someone who is due more or less immediately contacts us. We didn't get anything that would expire, but just a few little things to make getting ready easier if we have to get up and go. Maybe if we are super prepared, the universe will do us a solid and bring our baby to us. Nothing wrong with putting that thought out there right?
I am missing John and wishing he was home today. Normally I would be at work too, so I wouldn't be sitting around the house thinking about that. I have some stuff I want to do in the nursery and I did take pictures of what we have done so far, but I can't decide if it is a good idea to post them on the blog, since it could seem weird to potential birth mothers. I mean, I guess it shouldn't matter, because it shows how much the baby that we don't even have yet is already loved (thanks Erin for that!). We really are already so in love with our future baby, we just can't put a face or name- though we have names lined up as possibilities- to him or her yet. I will think about posting pictures. I just want to be respectful the expectant mother's emotions as well.
I could sit here and let my thoughts spill out all day, but I wont. Going to get my work out on and then work on those nursery details. I hope everyone stays safe and warm!
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Being "Electronically" or "Paper" Pregnant - Fun Times!
Once upon a time, when you were an approved waiting adoptive couple (or single), you were considered paper pregnant. This term came about because your paperwork was all approved and ready for a match that resulted in a baby. Now that times have changed and most everything is done via this crazy thing I like to call the interwebs (nerd alert!), I like to call it being electronically pregnant. Being electronically pregnant for an undetermined amount of time requires patience and plenty of distractions. I have found that the best way to distract myself from this extended state of waiting is to try and do as many of the things I would do if I was actually pregnant. Here is where I let on that I am overly confident that this will work out for us in a decent amount of time and therefore nesting doesn't depress me like it does some waiting parents.
One of the best ways I have found to "nest" is to work on the nursery little by little. Early in the fall, my mom and I painted the purple room (former owners had grand kids) a nice gender neutral light green. Nearly 3 coats of paint later, only the inside of the closet remains purple. Who paints the closet anything but white anyway?! We have received a lot of baby supplies from my brother and sister in law, since my nephew is now two and doesn't need stuff like bouncers, carriers or activity centers. My parents bought us a crib as a gift and I splurged on bedding, since we saved so much by receiving gifts and hand me downs. The room is fairly close to being done, but I always find little things to add like the owl doorknobs I posted previously.
I am trying to be crafty. I have a number of little projects that I want to do either for the nursery or just because. I am one of those people that if I don't do it well right away, I get fed up and find something I can actually do. When I was a kid, I dropped out of ballet, piano lessons, girl scouts, every club I ever joined, and as an adult, I have yet to take full advantage of a gym membership. Reflecting back on it, I probably would be a much more interesting person had I stuck with some of those things. I have two pieces of furniture I want to redo, an adoption related quote that I want to put on a canvas or blanket or something, and ultimately it would be nice to paint that purple closet! Hoping for a bit of inspiration to get moving on those things. Any volunteers to help out? I will provide pizza or burritos...mmm burritos.
It is also fun to imagine the things we will do with a third family member in tow. Now that we are actively waiting, it is easy to let your mind wander when you travel or go to local attractions. We find ourselves saying "When our kid is here... or This will be so cool when...". Just seeing the zoo through my nephew's eyes last month made me appreciate a side of it that I hadn't since I was a kid. The way he plays even makes me appreciate that my front yard can become an arena for dino ball (Dinosaur Train reference). I am looking forward to riding the kiddie rides at amusement parks and going to kid movies at the theater (though really, let's face it, I do that anyway).
My favorite part of the wait is how enthusiastic people get about it. I know in previous posts I have talked about how some people just don't even bring it up, but really those people are in the minority. Most people want to know updates (hence the blog, FB page, etc). My coworkers are always asking me "When are you going to get your baby? Will you bring the baby in to work when you finally have it?". I have friends, coworkers and family members itching to buy baby clothes and toys. I have people offering up suggestions on formula, diapers, baby wash, making my own baby food etc. I am pretty sure our baby will be spoiled by everyone. Spoiled, but hopefully not too spoiled, we shall see. This is a long awaited baby, so I can't promise there wont be too much spoiling. I always want to talk about the adoption, so I enjoy people bringing it up and acting excited about it.
I think I have said before that meeting other people in the adoption process has been such a positive aspect of this experience. I can't stress that enough. I know quite a few people now who are waiting and even know some who have had babies placed with them and are enjoying life as parents now. I am thinking of hosting a sort of coffee shop support group or get together for all of us. We have an official support group once a month at IAC, which is awesome, but I think it would be fun to have an unofficial group for people who are still waiting and who have adopted already. We can talk about adoption related stuff or ideas for raising kids or even just music/books/work etc.. We can meet for drinks without the kids or meet at the park on the days people want to bring them. I will have to take a poll and see who is up for it!
Lastly, here are a couple of thoughts on focus. Normally, every year my National Kidney Foundation walking team, The Walking Beans, does the kidney walk. We normally raise over $1000 for kidney disease awareness and related programs. I really want the Walking Beans to walk again this year, but I am struggling with finding the time to be captain of the team. It takes time to do fundraising. I am not sure that my brain can focus on another thing. I am taking two graduate level classes, keeping up with our adoption stuff and working full time. Through all of this, I am trying to keep some sort of social life, because all work and no play makes Sarah kind of nuts. For real, I get weird without some relaxation and recreation. Like ponder the meaning of life and become introverted weird. I just can't imagine a kidney walk passing by without our team walking! I feel like that would make me sad in the long run. Who wants to be team captain this year?! I can try not to micromanage you!
One of the best ways I have found to "nest" is to work on the nursery little by little. Early in the fall, my mom and I painted the purple room (former owners had grand kids) a nice gender neutral light green. Nearly 3 coats of paint later, only the inside of the closet remains purple. Who paints the closet anything but white anyway?! We have received a lot of baby supplies from my brother and sister in law, since my nephew is now two and doesn't need stuff like bouncers, carriers or activity centers. My parents bought us a crib as a gift and I splurged on bedding, since we saved so much by receiving gifts and hand me downs. The room is fairly close to being done, but I always find little things to add like the owl doorknobs I posted previously.
I am trying to be crafty. I have a number of little projects that I want to do either for the nursery or just because. I am one of those people that if I don't do it well right away, I get fed up and find something I can actually do. When I was a kid, I dropped out of ballet, piano lessons, girl scouts, every club I ever joined, and as an adult, I have yet to take full advantage of a gym membership. Reflecting back on it, I probably would be a much more interesting person had I stuck with some of those things. I have two pieces of furniture I want to redo, an adoption related quote that I want to put on a canvas or blanket or something, and ultimately it would be nice to paint that purple closet! Hoping for a bit of inspiration to get moving on those things. Any volunteers to help out? I will provide pizza or burritos...mmm burritos.
It is also fun to imagine the things we will do with a third family member in tow. Now that we are actively waiting, it is easy to let your mind wander when you travel or go to local attractions. We find ourselves saying "When our kid is here... or This will be so cool when...". Just seeing the zoo through my nephew's eyes last month made me appreciate a side of it that I hadn't since I was a kid. The way he plays even makes me appreciate that my front yard can become an arena for dino ball (Dinosaur Train reference). I am looking forward to riding the kiddie rides at amusement parks and going to kid movies at the theater (though really, let's face it, I do that anyway).
My favorite part of the wait is how enthusiastic people get about it. I know in previous posts I have talked about how some people just don't even bring it up, but really those people are in the minority. Most people want to know updates (hence the blog, FB page, etc). My coworkers are always asking me "When are you going to get your baby? Will you bring the baby in to work when you finally have it?". I have friends, coworkers and family members itching to buy baby clothes and toys. I have people offering up suggestions on formula, diapers, baby wash, making my own baby food etc. I am pretty sure our baby will be spoiled by everyone. Spoiled, but hopefully not too spoiled, we shall see. This is a long awaited baby, so I can't promise there wont be too much spoiling. I always want to talk about the adoption, so I enjoy people bringing it up and acting excited about it.
I think I have said before that meeting other people in the adoption process has been such a positive aspect of this experience. I can't stress that enough. I know quite a few people now who are waiting and even know some who have had babies placed with them and are enjoying life as parents now. I am thinking of hosting a sort of coffee shop support group or get together for all of us. We have an official support group once a month at IAC, which is awesome, but I think it would be fun to have an unofficial group for people who are still waiting and who have adopted already. We can talk about adoption related stuff or ideas for raising kids or even just music/books/work etc.. We can meet for drinks without the kids or meet at the park on the days people want to bring them. I will have to take a poll and see who is up for it!
Lastly, here are a couple of thoughts on focus. Normally, every year my National Kidney Foundation walking team, The Walking Beans, does the kidney walk. We normally raise over $1000 for kidney disease awareness and related programs. I really want the Walking Beans to walk again this year, but I am struggling with finding the time to be captain of the team. It takes time to do fundraising. I am not sure that my brain can focus on another thing. I am taking two graduate level classes, keeping up with our adoption stuff and working full time. Through all of this, I am trying to keep some sort of social life, because all work and no play makes Sarah kind of nuts. For real, I get weird without some relaxation and recreation. Like ponder the meaning of life and become introverted weird. I just can't imagine a kidney walk passing by without our team walking! I feel like that would make me sad in the long run. Who wants to be team captain this year?! I can try not to micromanage you!
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