You Down With OPT?

"OTHER PEOPLE'S THEORIES" 

People love to know the why's and what's and when's of things. It is a natural human condition to want explanations, to put forth your own theories and to even test them. In adoption, there are just not many explanations to be had.

When people hear that we have been waiting over 16 months "live" with our agency, they want to tell us why they think that is. They volunteer their opinions about what could be "wrong". First and foremost, nothing is wrong, adoption just takes time. Since we are just now approaching the average wait time, I would like to review what "average" means.

Average
: a number that is calculated by adding quantities together and then dividing the total by the number of quantities

: a level that is typical of a group, class, or series : a middle point between extremes

This means that if the average is around 18 months to wait for placement, a whole bunch of people wait way longer than 18 months and whole bunch of people wait less. This also means that we aren't doing anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with us. I would like to discuss some of the theories that have been expressed to us by friends, family, strangers, and even medical professionals. Most of these come from a place of love and concern, however misdirected they may be. Some of them come from a place of a complete lack of understanding of how open adoption works. 

Are there not enough children out there to adopt? I have heard there are so many kids who need homes in this world! Just adopt one of them!

We are waiting to adopt domestically- infant adoption... actually the plan is newborn adoption. We are aware that there are children in orphanages all over the world and children in foster care in the US who need homes. At this time, for personal reasons, that is not the path we chose. Could it be our path should we decide to adopt again? Sure, it is possible, but right now we are home study approved to adopt a newborn to 12 month old though domestic, meaning USA only, private/agency adoption. We are not foster to adopt approved, which requires a whole different set of classes and a different home study. 

Maybe you haven't been chosen, because you have a kidney transplant? Shouldn't you hide that?

Well, it could be a reason for some pregnant women to pass us up I suppose. It could also be a reason that someone chooses us though. Someone might connect with it on some level, like if she knew someone in her personal life who was a transplant recipient, who she loved. Or if she saw how strong I am, despite the label of "transplant recipient". If she saw how completely normal my life is, despite dealing with health stuff. If she saw how strong John and my bond is, since we had some extra struggle in our life as a married couple. 

But I will never hide it. Never. I am proud of the fact that I have survived two kidney transplants. That I succeed, even though life has thrown so much at me. I do everything everyone else does, minus eating sushi (danger!). I am healthy and well adjusted. So, no I won't hide such a huge part of who I am.

Maybe you guys aren't very photogenic. You look better in person than in the pictures on your profile.

Um. Ouch. This really has happened! Is that constructive criticism? I'm not sure. Does anyone look fabulous as a flat image? Does anyone look natural when they are taking the most important photos of their lives- the photo that will represent them to the prospective first mother of their child? When the agency rejects the first 40 submissions, because there are shadows or the sun is not right? We didn't smile with our teeth? My teeth don't smile. Do yours?

We are normal people just like everyone else. We make goofy faces and feel silly forcing smiles at cameras. We are happy with our pictures or else we wouldn't have chosen them to represent us. I think everyone looks better in person!

And actually, we are quite cute in photos....

If you stopped thinking about it, it would happen. 

You try to stop thinking about the one thing you want more than anything in this world....  Also, my brain isn't magical, thinking about adoption often wont curse us into a life of infinite waiting.

If your letter has gone out THAT many times and you haven't adopted, maybe your letter isn't good enough.

This has been said to me a few times. It isn't really about "good enough". It is about what clicks with someone. Literally any word could click with a prospective birth mom. Our letter is due for a revitalization soon, but it is still a good representation of who we are.

Your blog is too somber sometimes, I bet that it is turning people away.

Maybe it is dark sometimes, but adoption is dark sometimes too. The aim of this blog is to be real. One day we can read it and reflect on what a total roller coaster it all was. A roller coaster that will end in the creation of our family. I bare my soul on this blog. I wholeheartedly expose what it is like to be in the adoption wait- the good, the bad, and the utterly weird! 

I am a person who is honest to a fault. If in the end this blog ends up being our downfall, then I would be really shocked. After all, open adoption is all about transparency and openness.

All of that said ...

This is not a somber, negative blog post. This is a glimpse into the things that people waiting to adopt may hear. Another case of maybe being too transparent about our adoption process. Over-sharing, over-dissecting my own thoughts, and simply over having to explain that a family coming together isn't up to how we smile in a photograph or how little or much we share about my health history. There is a higher "fate" to it all. A "meant to be" if you will.

We appreciate all the support and people getting involved. It is nice to know that people think about us enough to even form theories about our wait.

As I always like to sign off... we are ever hopeful, we are ever thankful, we are here for the long haul.

For a little more facts and conversation about what people say to waiting adopting families, visit A Little Adoption Q&A and Q&A Part Deux