Would You Like Some Cheese With That Whine?

All aspects of life aren't about John and I, but honestly, right now it feels like it. It sounds so absolutely greedy and awful to think that. Hitting the year mark of waiting "live" with our adoption agency has apparently hit me much harder than I had anticipated. I have a restlessness and a feeling of such deep sadness and longing that I can't express to anyone in actual words. I know John is feeling something similar. I can see through his silence (that's John speak for "things suck").

No one wants to be all "me me me", no one wants to blab their grief and anger to everyone they see. Sometimes it just builds up so much that you have to tell someone something, anything really. It's just that the words get stuck in my throat. Or when I start to tell someone anything about it, I over analyze their faces and decide they are sick of hearing about the adoption and how much waiting simply sucks.

I've been set off today. A couple of things I can't talk about on the blog have me in a full fledged sneaky hate spiral (please click and read, you will not regret it). Those same events have me battling the negative emotions with pleas to myself to just accept situations, people, events for what they are and keep going. A year isn't a long time to wait for our baby. A year feels bad though. It's that mental boundary you set up. The same little part of your brain that told you that you are cool and everyone will see it and want you to raise their babies, also told you that you wouldn't be waiting years like other people.We were warned by the agency that all waiting families are super cool and special in their own ways, so not to think that way. But you just hope that you might stand out as just slightly more perfect for someone's baby.

Even as I write this, I am beating up on myself of what I could have done or shouldn't have done in the last year to change things. The answer is nothing. It's all what some people like to say "fate" or what some call a "crapshoot". Good luck, bad luck, no luck. It happens when it is supposed to blah blah blah etc...

I think it is ok to feel empty and sad for a bit, as long as you can find a way to pull yourself together and keep moving forward. The past few weeks have been my empty, sad, hard bits. Trying incredibly hard to claw my way out. For John and our future baby mostly.

I don't know how to end this on a positive note. Just know that if I don't feel like I can help you right now, it's because I'm trying so hard to help John and I be happy. Right now we have to be selfish. We have to take care of our little 2 person family in order to get through this.

I read a good article today about the mistakes people make when trying to help others. I am guilty of some of them too, but it is a good read for any support people (profanity warning! read the article here)

I guess the bright side is that we are learning a valuable lesson in patience. Not to mention how damn spoiled and loved this baby is going to be once it finally happens.