Hopes. Not Expectations.

It is adoption love link up time again! This month's suggested topic is actually something I have been trying to avoid so far this year. Basically, it is “What role will adoption play for us in this coming year?”

You see, last year I let adoption take over my life. I let it rule my every thought, decision, emotion and it even invaded every single dream I remembered having (minus that recurring one where the brakes don't work in my car, so I have to stop Flintstones style- which if you analyzed it enough, could be adoption related anyway). Even though adoption is absolutely the number one thing we want right now, it is too emotional and sometimes too devastating to allow it to run our lives. Of course it is exciting, because adoption will lead us to the creation of our family, but it is also just incredibly hard. 

What role are we expecting it to play in 2015? Maybe I need to leave out the word “expecting” and replace it with “hoping”. We are hoping that 2015 is the year our baby makes his or her way to our family. Plain and simple. 

The little things we are hoping for this year include: To enjoy life just the two us as long as we need to. To not dwell on the fact that this adoption wait feels like it is moving in slow motion. To not have dishonest people contact us and lead us on- or at least be able to bounce back faster if they do. To keep busy, so we barely notice that we are still waiting and waiting and waiting. To travel, to experience aspects of life previously left unexplored, to feel the sun, rain and wind... really feel it.

This year, I would like to expand the reach of our adoption blog. I have more people reading on a regular basis than I ever thought I would. I started it to have a place to keep record of our wait and the feelings that come along with it. I also wanted a place we could show who we really are, rather than having a four page profile that barely even touched the surface of our lives. I would like to keep contributing to blog rings and link ups that speak on adoption. I would like to do more guest blog posts like I did earlier this year with America Adopts- my post. I would like for my friends, family, coworkers, and strangers alike to keep sharing the blog. The more the word gets out, the more likely our family is to grow this year. I would also like to think that maybe some of our experiences could help a family considering adoption or a woman considering placing her baby. 

This year, I hope to find more resources for understanding the birth parent perspective, as well as the adoptee perspective. I am a planner and want to be prepared for the emotions our child and his or her birth parents could be feeling in the future. I don’t want to be someone who goes into this thinking love conquers all, because that is fantasy. There will be so many conflicting emotions for everyone involved over the years and we can’t turn a blind eye to that. 

Postive Adoption Language

This post is written in response to the Adoption Love Link Up  that I joined a couple of months ago.  The topic for December is:
 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved?

How often do you hear people say "she gave up her baby" or hear a pregnant woman being called a "birth mom"? These are examples of incorrect adoption terminology. Some people are okay with these terms, but technically neither are correct.

Gave up or giving up has negative connotations. Like how I gave up on grad school or gave up before the end of a race, because it was too hard. When a woman decides to look into adoption for her unborn (or sometimes already born) baby, she is looking out for the best interests of the baby, not giving up on the baby. The correct terminology is that she is "placing" her baby for adoption. You can say she is finding her baby parents, or finding parents for her baby or finding a family for her baby.

I will admit, I grew up hearing the phrase "giving up for adoption". It is a hard habit to break, so if you say it to me, I won't get mad, I will simply correct you in a way that is educational.

On that note, a birth mother is someone who has already placed her baby for adoption. Before that, she is an expectant mother, just like any other pregnant woman. Some women may think of themselves as birth mothers before they place, but that is their decision, not ours. We can't assume that she will definitely place her baby, as she has every right to parent after baby is born.

When I write about "birth mothers" on this blog, sometimes I over simplify it for the general reader. I may say our future child's birth mother/potential birth mother or sometimes I use the term "first mother". Ultimately, these terms are all ok, but I would defer to our child's birth mom (once we have a child of course) as to what she would prefer. She may prefer for me to refer to her on the blog by name or even prefer that I do not mention her at all on the blog, which is fine as well. That is the beauty of open adoption, we can communicate and work out these terms rather than just making assumptions.

Positive adoption language applies to the adoptive parents as well. I use the term adoptive parents on this blog to make it simple for readers. When my child and I are at a play group, you wouldn't refer to me as his/her adoptive mom would you? No, I would be his/her mom or mommy or mama. Plain and simple. John would be dad or daddy or whatever term we end up using. I don't mind being called a future adoptive mom, it is a description that fits the situation. We are indeed future adoptive parents. But referring to us as (insert child's name)'s adoptive parents is not going to cut it once we are parents.

Likewise, if I hear anyone referring to our child as the "adopted child", some heads will roll. Sure, our kid will always know that he/she is adopted, but the correct way to say it is Sarah and John's child. There is no need to place "adopted" before describing our kid. Asking us if we will ever have our "own child" will get you an eye roll and a lecture from me personally. Actually, anyone saying anything that makes our child feel like he or she isn't a true part of our family will promptly get an ear full and repeat offenders just wont be in our lives. Our kiddo comes first. Always.

There is your lesson in positive adoption language. I am sure I have left some things out, so visit this link for more examples!

Adoption Love Link Up: The Humanity Of It All

I joined an adoption blog link up via the blog Adoption Love . You can click on the icon in lower right to read the other blogs in the link up. Each month there is a topic you can write about, but you don't have to. This months topic is so perfect for what has been happening in our adoption quest lately. So, here it is, the question of the month and really, the question of my life right now. 

How, if at all, has adoption changed your view of humanity (for good or bad)?

This is such a complicated question. The answer is yes, but not a simple yes and not only for good or bad. Really both. Let's start with the good, because we should always appreciate the good in things first right? 

Let's talk about having our eyes opened to the women who make the ultimate decision to place their babies for adoption. The women who put themselves aside to make sure their babies have the best chances at life. Let's appreciate the fact that in the face of a nearly impossible decision, they can pull all of their strength together and choose adoption. That is foremost in my thoughts when I think of my current view of humanity. I am in awe of their strength and determination. I am in awe of the fact that they choose to trust another family in raising their babies. My heart gets so full at the thought that one day someone will find that trust in us as well.

The good also includes the support people in adoption. I am focusing on the support people of the adoptive couple, since I really don't have experience with the expectant mom's support circle. To see friends and family step up and support us the way they have is simply humbling. I see the good in people every time someone shares our profile, this blog, or our Facebook page. I see the positive in humanity when they grieve with you over losses and near misses. When someone is willing to trudge through a Babie R Us/Toys R Us combo store to find one little thing to fulfill that hole in your heart for the day- that is love and support. When someone goes out with you on a Friday after work, even though they are tired- that is support. That is the good in people. 

The good includes the amazing staff at our adoption agency. No matter how much someone tells me that they are paid to be supportive and listen to me, I wont believe they don't genuinely care. You can hear it in their voices and see it in the time they take away from their days to talk to us. You can see it in their faces when we go to support group or the holiday party or picnic that they honestly are happy to see us. They keep my faith in this process going. Without them the days would be so much more difficult.

Unfortunately, yes, I have to say that this process has also brought a dimmer viewpoint on a part of humanity I didn't even know existed. Oh, to be naive again... Sigh. Apparently, there are people out there that will contact you just for fun or out of malicious intent. Just knowing that there are people who want to kick you while you are down, (down on infertility, down on the waiting process etc) really just gets to a very very sad place in my brain. To think that any human would intentionally want to mess with people who are coming from such a place of honesty and yearning, it really just blows my mind. There is a place in my heart that has become quite distrustful of new people and new contacts. I don't ever want to be, but it becomes a sort of self defense that happens automatically. Unfortunately, the more you put yourself out there, the more these sorts of people find you. You really just have to learn to have a thick skin and keep believing that your baby's first mom is going to find you in this web of internet and agencies. 

The other negative view of humanity I have incorporated into my life is of the people who judge before they understand. Initial bad reactions to us having a Facebook adoption page, a blog, an Instagram, Twitter etc. No, I really don't want to do those things to complete our family, but I also don't want to keep feeling this emptiness that is childless life. To some that is not empty at all, but to me it is. Empty, lacking, unfulfilled. It's not an urge my brain has, it is an urge that my soul has. If I could stop it, I would. If I could go on living my life childless, I probably would, because who in their right mind puts themselves through all of the judgement and stress of adoption? Well, when you want nothing more than to have a child and your body can't do that for you, you do what you have to. So, to the people who have dampened my view of how supportive you should be or how simply understanding you should be: let's sit down and talk this out. I want to understand your point of view and I want you to understand mine. It is only fair that we understand each other before the judgements start. Set up a coffee date with me or come for a walk. Write me an email or comment on my blog. Let's see where each other is coming from in a constructive way. 

So, in summation, I cannot say that this adoption process has swayed my view of humanity in one way or the other completely. I think just like every other journey in life, you see the positives and negatives along the way. It hurts like hell to see the sides of humanity that are just out to be harmful, but in the end, they aren't who matter. Your baby matters. OUR baby matters. Our baby's birth mom matters, our friends and family matter. You focus on what matters and keep on going. Even in the thick of it all, I love adoption. I love it because my family will be created through adoption.