Postive Adoption Language

This post is written in response to the Adoption Love Link Up  that I joined a couple of months ago.  The topic for December is:
 What are your views on appropriate adoption language? (examples: Birth mom vs. expectant mom, was adopted vs. is adopted, etc.) Have you had any personal experiences with inappropriate adoption language? How, if at all, did you help educate those involved?

How often do you hear people say "she gave up her baby" or hear a pregnant woman being called a "birth mom"? These are examples of incorrect adoption terminology. Some people are okay with these terms, but technically neither are correct.

Gave up or giving up has negative connotations. Like how I gave up on grad school or gave up before the end of a race, because it was too hard. When a woman decides to look into adoption for her unborn (or sometimes already born) baby, she is looking out for the best interests of the baby, not giving up on the baby. The correct terminology is that she is "placing" her baby for adoption. You can say she is finding her baby parents, or finding parents for her baby or finding a family for her baby.

I will admit, I grew up hearing the phrase "giving up for adoption". It is a hard habit to break, so if you say it to me, I won't get mad, I will simply correct you in a way that is educational.

On that note, a birth mother is someone who has already placed her baby for adoption. Before that, she is an expectant mother, just like any other pregnant woman. Some women may think of themselves as birth mothers before they place, but that is their decision, not ours. We can't assume that she will definitely place her baby, as she has every right to parent after baby is born.

When I write about "birth mothers" on this blog, sometimes I over simplify it for the general reader. I may say our future child's birth mother/potential birth mother or sometimes I use the term "first mother". Ultimately, these terms are all ok, but I would defer to our child's birth mom (once we have a child of course) as to what she would prefer. She may prefer for me to refer to her on the blog by name or even prefer that I do not mention her at all on the blog, which is fine as well. That is the beauty of open adoption, we can communicate and work out these terms rather than just making assumptions.

Positive adoption language applies to the adoptive parents as well. I use the term adoptive parents on this blog to make it simple for readers. When my child and I are at a play group, you wouldn't refer to me as his/her adoptive mom would you? No, I would be his/her mom or mommy or mama. Plain and simple. John would be dad or daddy or whatever term we end up using. I don't mind being called a future adoptive mom, it is a description that fits the situation. We are indeed future adoptive parents. But referring to us as (insert child's name)'s adoptive parents is not going to cut it once we are parents.

Likewise, if I hear anyone referring to our child as the "adopted child", some heads will roll. Sure, our kid will always know that he/she is adopted, but the correct way to say it is Sarah and John's child. There is no need to place "adopted" before describing our kid. Asking us if we will ever have our "own child" will get you an eye roll and a lecture from me personally. Actually, anyone saying anything that makes our child feel like he or she isn't a true part of our family will promptly get an ear full and repeat offenders just wont be in our lives. Our kiddo comes first. Always.

There is your lesson in positive adoption language. I am sure I have left some things out, so visit this link for more examples!