America Adopts published my guest post yesterday! With further ado, here it is!
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He had the crowd sing happy birthday to me and got me a drink. We toasted and hugged and all was right with the world. I fan-girled a little on the inside, but i believe I played it quite cool on the outside!
Now on to the nitty gritty. Last night's sorta, kinda trauma.
Adoption, you are breaking my heart. IAC, you are breaking my heart as well.
I came home to a letter I have been dreading from our adoption agency. A letter I had only heard rumors of. It stated that we have been waiting "a somewhat longer time than the usual".
What I read: You guys are failing. You are not pretty, thin, or interesting. You are not cultured enough or well traveled enough to be appealing. You have not proven yourself worthy. Obviously, this is not true, but that's what I read.
I'm home alone and beating myself up. Is it me? Is it John? Is there some truth to the "other people's theories " that I wrote a previous post on? What happened to my being ok with hitting the "average wait time"? It is all B.S.? Possibly.
I know that the letter did not intend to make us feel inadequate, but this process has torn my self confidence down so much that I can read it again and again and only feel insulted and angry... or is it sad? I don't even know anymore.
Should I only show the happy unicorns and butterflies aspects of our lives? Will that get us chosen? Will that put an end to this limbo? What is the magic spell to not be the people who wait for years and years, or even worse- never adopt?
I.JUST.CAN'T.
Why isn't us just being who we are enough? Our unicorns and butterflies live peacefully amongst snakes and hornets. Life is a balance of good and bad and even boring.
It's just a letter. A piece of paper I knew was coming any time now. Soon to be followed by the request to begin renewing our home study, because that's cheery. Adoption is not for the weak and I am feeling quite weak.
Dear IAC, a simple "at 18 months we offer these additional services" would have sufficed. We certainly are aware of how long we are waiting. It is quite the sensitive topic.
Are we still hopeful? Always. But there are moments that don't feel so hopeful.
Today I am on a quest to get us back to that hopeful place in our hearts and our heads.
Wrapping up with a song by Ben Marwood. Just because.
And Glen Hansard. Just because.
Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteWe got the same letter this week, and I had a remarkably similar response. I've been writing a blog post in my head since I finished reading that letter but have changed the tone of it so many times - angry (Oh, we're dragging your percentages down, eh?) to sad (Why doesn't anybody like us?) to disappointed / doubtful (maybe this agency wasn't the right one) to "meh" (what do they know, anyway) to - well, now I'm not sure at all. I'll have to work it out as I write it.
I've been having a hard time blogging lately. Like you, I want our blog to be an honest record of the ups and downs of how our family (eventually) comes to be, and I know how negatively affected I can feel by reading stuff written by other folks that's so downtrodden in tone. I actually avoid those blogs - they don't do anything but add to the anxiety over the wait. As for our own blog, I think I can honestly say where we are without the super-negative stuff (saving whatever leans that way for my not-online journal to sort through on my own). We're not having a total pity-party, either, and we know that we're great people who will be great parents - just as you two are. We're sending good thoughts your way!
...And maybe a "hey, could you rethink your wording of this?" letter to the IAC.
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DeleteP.S.: "Our unicorns and butterflies live peacefully amongst snakes and hornets. Life is a balance of good and bad and even boring."
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely way of saying this. And while my previous comment suggested that snakes and hornets a Debbie-Downer makes, unicorns and butterflies alone can be obnoxious, too (like watching a continuous loop of Rainbow Brite or the Care Bears). Balance, as you say.
Hi, Thanks for the comment. You have no idea how many times I edited this post. I wrote an initial post right after reading the letter and it was dark. I mean... like dark dark. Then I saved it and went to bed without publishing it to be safe. I do that a lot. A good night's sleep gives me a lot of clarity. When I woke up still somewhat upset over it, I decided to edit and post anyway.
DeleteI in no way want to portray that dark attitude, since it is really not the norm in our home. I don't want to scare away people who are considering adoption - to adopt or place their baby for adoption. I also think being open about this stuff is important. And to write that yes, this is how I feel, but I know it isn't entirely the reality of the situation. Just feelings. Just processing.
We are going to schedule a meeting with our AC just to touch base and i would like to discuss with her (she is completely awesome by the way) the kind of ... what's the word... patronizing tone of some of the letters. I know they are trying to be sensitive during this honestly heightened sensitive time, but geez. I would go into it, but I'm basically writing a whole new post here.
Anyway, love your blog. I think there is a delicate balance between pity party and documenting the reality. I try not to cross that. I think you do a great job of it.
I honestly don't read the blogs that are 100% happy little unicorns and butterflies. Seems too fluffy to me. I am a realist though. Maybe I do run people off with my snakes and hornets. I guess that just wouldn't be the match for us though.
DeleteSorry Sarah but great post. We should get that letter next month and I'm dreading it. Hopefully you expressing the wording to IAC will get them to redo it. Good Luck.
ReplyDeleteMeeting with IAC tomorrow. Only hoping for good, productive conversation! Stay tuned!
DeleteSarah
Sarah, thanks so much for this.
ReplyDeleteI'm with IAC too, and I often wonder if it's "just me" when their communications rub the wrong way. I still love them, but there have been a lot of those awkward, painful moments.
And I used to really love blogging! It was a great way to "scrapbook" happy moments and turn the darker stuff into something creative. I've been a lot more anxious about it ever since my online presence was absorbed by the adoption process. It's really helpful to see other people standing up for the snakes and hornets; it's just too exhausting and discouraging to have to pretend it's all cupcakes all the time.
So thanks, because it really does help to see other people being brave. And best wishes!
Rebecca
Hi Rebecca,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind comment. I'm guessing there is some market research as to how they write letters, but it doesn't feel good to those of us who are realists. We are meeting with our AC in 3 hours, so I am going to make sure she knows many people feel like the tone of the correspondence is off-putting. Maybe she can relay it to the main office.
You could always try blogging again and make it a personal blog with some adoption storyline mixed in. If you feel like it of course. If you do, send it my way, I would love to read it!
The only cupcakes you will see on my blog are the kind I'm cramming down my throat! Yum!
Sarah