We Could Insist On The Impossible

Keeping busy during the adoption wait is vital to our mental stability.  I have mentioned in previous posts that John is in the Atlanta Curling Club (it is an ice sport, not curling like with weights... ahem..LJ, I am looking at you.)  John also sorta kinda has a band... long story?  Or short story that I don't actually know?  No story at all maybe?  Music is occasionally played in our basement.  That is all I know!

I have tried all sorts of things to keep busy.  I started yoga a couple of months ago, but not in a class setting, though I would love to find the right class. For now I am using doyogawithme.com and Yoga With Adrienne on Youtube.  Yoga isn't easy people.  Maybe it's just me, but I can really work up a sweat with these videos.  I just found a 30 day yoga challenge on Youtube, so I am going to challenge myself to stick with it for 30 days straight.  You know how there are those days where you get home from work and you just want to eat and watch TV in your jammies?  Or you want to sleep that extra 30 minutes after your alarm goes off?  Yeah, that isn't going to happen for 29 more days!  I can't wait to feel the difference from day 1 to day 30. 

Once it cools off a little, I want to restart C25K or "couch to 5k" for those of you who aren't down with the lingo.  Man, I do love my couch though.  I think next time we should buy a less comfortable couch, so I don't feel the magnetic pull of relaxation.  There is a 5k that I like to do in Smyrna in October called the Spooktacular Chase.  This will be my third year and I would love to cut my time down a little.  John doesn't like to do 5ks, but he works on his feet, so I get it.  He goes and hangs out with our nephew while the rest of us do the race.  This 5k winds around my brother's neighborhood and I will admit that jogging past his street on that last stretch is the hardest!  You picture the couch, the air conditioning, the bathroom!  I have forced myself to finish each time though. Finishing a 5k as someone who would have considered herself disabled by kidney failure only a 5 years ago, feels amazing.  Walking, jogging or running, it doesn't matter. It is all about finishing.  

I also have been working a little on the nursery.  There isn't a lot I can do until we know boy/girl, single birth/twins etc.  I do get tired of buying gender neutral everything, even though I don't really believe in enforcing gender stereotypes.  There is only so much yellow, green and gray you can buy!  Why must so many blue things say "little man" and pink say "princess".  It's 2014 after all!  What I did do lately is add a nightlight, Peter Rabbit to go with the crib bedding.  Thanks Pottery Barn Kids coupon!  I also bought a basket to store diaper related stuff that will go the changing station dresser.  I washed everything we have so far, just in case!  Do any other waiting families do kind of superstitious things?  Like, I thought to myself one day that if I wash the bedding and newborn stuff, I will demonstrate to the world that we are ready and baby will find us.  Or when we were going on our last trip, I was at the grocery store getting road snacks and I just felt the extreme need to buy something for baby and in my head it was like a lucky charm or something.  I bought a bottle and it wasn't lucky.  Obviously, impromptu baby supply shopping will not make it happen, but you start letting those thoughts slip in.

Corner of the nursery.  Details to be added once baby is here Extra furniture will be gone too..

It's so easy to start playing games in your head.  The wait will do that to you... make you a little weird.  You start thinking things like, of course we haven't been matched yet, we have dishes building up in the sink... we have yet to prove that we are good enough to be parents!  Silly things like that.  Of course parents let their dishes pile up sometimes.  Everyone does.  Of course there are no adoption gods watching the size of our laundry pile or measuring the amount of veggies we eat.  The truth is there is no rhyme or reason as to when that fateful day happens and you meet the woman who will trust you enough to raise her child.  There is no agenda for this process, just an outline with many variables.  There is no visible finish line ahead, just a lot of hurry up and wait.  Hurry up and get cleared by the FBI, the GBI, sex offender registry, child abuse registry, doctors, human resources, references from friends and family and then.... wait.  Just wait.

Ugh, waiting.  Not my strong point.  John is so laid back and patient.  I don't know how I got so lucky as to marry someone who is my exact opposite.  Believe me, that is a good thing.  If we both worried and let our type A personalities out as much as I do, this house would be full of anxious preparation and intense conversations.  He is indeed the yang to my yin, the sweet to my salty, and the calm to my storm.  I wouldn't say I am overly uptight, but I like things to be more predictable than this adoption process. 

Ok, onward and conclusion-ward.  We have basically nothing coming up.  Perfect time for a special arrival AMIRIGHT?!  I leave you with something that I posted on our adoption Facebook page that got about 50 likes (thanks guys! it was totally spur of the moment and straight from the depths of my aching, childless heart)

I wrote a long blog post about infertility and how people say the craziest things. About doctors and ultrasound techs and learning how to bite my tongue. I wrote about darkness and the light I see ahead.

But after sitting in a room full of newborn babies today, all I want to say is this:

Dear Future Baby, Your parents are ready for you now. We have your room ready, some pretty awesome name possibilities, and serious amount of love to give. We feel lost without you. We feel you are close and we know we are all meant to be together. We want to watch as you eat your first cookie, use your first crayon and help you dip your feet in the ocean for the first time. We want to kiss your boo boos, make up silly songs with you and teach you right from wrong. Don't stay away too long, as we have adventures to go on.

Hopelessly hopeful.