Pretty in Pink

A little warning.  This is a reality post.  I wrote it last night after letting the stress of it all get to me and does not necessarily represent John's views on things.  This morning, after talking to friends and support people, I feel the same, but with more strength. Day 3 of the yoga challenge helped, because it was awful... I know that doesn't make sense at first, but the point is that I felt like I was failing, but I did it anyway.  A metaphor for the whole adoption process?  Because we are stronger than the struggle.  We all are.  Whatever you are fighting right now, you are tougher than it is.

What I wrote last night:

I realized today that I am trying to power through #100happydays on Instagram and chipper blog posts during what has really turned out be the darkest time of my life.  I don't mean that every waking moment I feel depressed, but with so much uncertainty, things just often look so grim.  I am a member of many adoption groups on Facebook and Yahoo.  I rejoice as people get matched with an adoption situation and become parents, I grieve for them when it doesn't work out.  I mourn for the women who have had to make the decision to place their babies or are in the process of making it.  As much as I feel for these people, the real darkness I feel comes from fear.  It is fear that I am reading about my future in these posts.  Fear of the unknown.  Failed matches, reclaim of the baby after it is in our arms, scammer after scammer (that one we have experienced to a smaller extent) are all distinct possibilities.  I often want to scream at whatever higher power exists "WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!"  Not just for John and I, but for everyone involved. 

Could we wake up tomorrow and become parents and have the perfect open adoption?  Absolutely.  Could we be waiting years and accept a situation that does not bode well for openness (not ideal)?  Sure.  Somebody please give me a crystal ball.  I need to know the future.

Ok, it is out of my system.  I spilled it. I was negative on the blog.  We can only go up from here!

It is going to be a long day.  My work friends are all off today and I forgot my lunch.  I have a doctor's appointment at 3 that I would rather not attend.  I think though, that I saw a good sign this morning.  I really wanted to stay in bed and forget about responsibility, but we all know that can't happen (often).  After some pep talk from my friend in Sydney, Australia, who is like 14 hours ahead and therefore has already conquered this day, I headed to the car and saw this:

 The sunrise was making the clouds pink and creating a "world tinted pink" effect on everything.  I felt like it was a sign to start seeing the world a little rosier.  I know this adoption will have a conclusion.  I know it will happen for us.

Repeat after me.. everything is going to be okay!