End Of Year Wrap Up: Goodbye 2015

My Fortune. Yes, I'm listening.

A year and one day ago, I woke up and thought "this will be the year we become parents". My heart screamed with hope and excitement. I thought it would be crazy if we didn't, seeing that our profile is so open and that we put in our time to make it to "average" waiters (just about).

Spoiler Alert: We did not become parents in 2015.

Today is hard. I didn't expect it to be. It's official that 2015 was not our year. I got to the parking area at work and sat in my car for 30 minutes, debating whether or not I should go back home and get in bed. I listened to Frank sing about having a "Happy New Year" and considered grabbing my passport and getting on whichever flight took me out of the country fastest. My heart said "flee", but my brain said "keep holding on".

I struggle with which tactic to use. Do I run into 2016 with optimism? Positive that this will be our year? OR Do I tell myself not to expect anything to happen, so I don't feel so let down if it doesn't. 

It doesn't feel safe to think 2016 will be our year. It feels like setting ourselves up for failure. Is it possible to brainwash yourself into thinking it's over and it will never happen, just so perhaps one day IF it does happen, you can just be pleasantly surprised?

I'm upset that the word IF has entered my adoption vocabulary again. We said goodbye to that word when we decided to stop trying to get pregnant and move forward with adoption. But here it is, swimming around in my head again. If we ever adopt. If we can get through another a year of this. If someone sees us for who we are- good people, honest people, people who just want to be parents. People who will honor our open adoption and honor our kid's past, present, and future.

I wish I had taken today off of work. I wish I had pampered myself with good coffee, no alarm clock, and maybe movie tickets or a trip to a museum. I wish I had known that today would feel not so great.

My wish is to wake up tomorrow and be hopeful and positive and just know for sure that 2016 is our year. I wish to feel different tomorrow. A new year, a new perspective. Trying so hard to make that happen. I wish for 2016 to surprise me.

We need help to do this. 

Can everyone just tell at least one person today that John and I are waiting to adopt? Networking is key. We are waiting to adopt through open adoption. This means the mother of our child needs to be made aware of us and choose us. Open adoption means some sort of contact throughout the child's life.

I get an average of 120 views per blog post within the first 3 days of posting. If everyone who views this post today, tells one new person about us, 120 additional people would be aware and who knows if they know someone who is looking to place their baby with a loving couple.

I've lost faith in the fact that our agency will ever come through for us. I'm sorry to the people who work there who I really care about- who I know do all they can- but as a whole, I'm not seeing the light with them after all of this time and not much of anything to speak of. I sure hope I eat those words sooner than later. I will totally own up to it if I am wrong, but observation and experience is telling me otherwise.

So it's up to us. 27 months and counting and that's just the waiting to adopt part. Doesn't include the infertility part. We've come way to far to stop now.

Goodbye 2015. You were not my favorite year, but you did bring us vacations and fun times with friends and family.

Now for the one of the best things I saw on the internet in 2015. This brother and sister knocking this song way out of the park: