There are things we are going to talk about here and things we will not- like how much sugar I have consumed this week. No good. I'm splitting my Christmas post into two posts this year. This is the one in which I share the struggle. The next one I will share the fun, which we definitely are having.
What I want to talk about right now is waiting to adopt during the holidays. For me, it is the hardest time of the year to still be waiting. I tend to mark our wait with how many holidays have passed. This is our third Christmas waiting to adopt and our well, seems like forever waiting to be parents together.
This week is the hardest week of the year for me. John is a produce manager, so he works like crazy the week or so before Christmas. In fact, this week he is closing every night. I'm off this entire week. I've been off of work since Friday, trying to distract myself from loneliness and sad adoption thoughts. It is hard to get through this week without him. Sure, he is close enough that he is coming home for dinner each night, I see him in the morning, and I just saw him on my grocery trip to get brunch supplies for Christmas morning, but it's not really the same as spending off days together.
I'm making the best of it. I had dinner with a friend last night. I spent this morning and afternoon shopping and eating with my sister in law Heather and our nephew. I've been out shopping nearly every day since Friday, since time kind of raced forward and I was/am so behind buying presents.
Netflix is my holiday best friend. Our cats are super happy to have a warm lap to sleep on.
The fact remains though, that we are still waiting. We are trying hard to smile through another Christmas childless. It's not that we don't love Christmas together, it's just that we've been there, done that.
The baby's room is ready. I have shopped my way through all of the funny and cute onesies I can find. I want to play Santa Claus. I want to take our kid to all of the fun Christmas things our city has to offer. I want to be sitting around the house, dressing up baby in his or her Christmas gear and wait for John to get home to make him laugh. To surprise him with cookies the kiddo and I made together. To run around the corner to see John at work with our baby in tow.
2015 is almost over and I have accepted the fact that we will not be adopting this year. It would be a miracle if we did. I'm no longer willing to say 201_ (fill in the blank) will be our year to become parents. It's unsafe for my emotional well being to say those things. We've been saying it for years and for years it has not happened.
This is not a sad post, this is an honest post. Christmas brings mixed emotions. A deep pain is hanging in the air, reminding us that we are still not parents. Also though, there is love and excitement for a holiday with our families.
I've lost faith in the process for now. I know it will probably happen eventually, but I feel like it is us who will have to make it happen. We have had one single contact from someone thinking of placing her baby through our agency in 27 months (we will hit 27 months tomorrow actually, but who's counting right?). Anyway, ONE through them, the people we gave our money and trust to help us. It is disheartening. All of our other contacts have been our own doing. Through our own networking and people like you, dear readers of this blog (if there are any left with my slacking). Edit: I remembered that we have actually had two expectant mom contacts through our agency. Two in 27 months. Fantastic. Sarcasm.
My Christmas wish is for this to work out for us. For us not to spend another Christmas next year wondering when or even if. I remember when we stopped trying to get pregnant, we thought now it's when and not if anymore. But now it feels like if again. If. Ugh.
I am a sliver of hopeful. Just a sliver today.
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