It has come to my attention that as we wait longer, people have more questions for us. I think that most people believed we would be parents by know (based on how awesome they think we are, of course!) We thought there would be a good chance of that as well, but we have had no such luck thus far.
This little question and answer session rehashes some old questions that we get often and addresses some new ones as well. I appreciate everyone who participated (especially the people who let me pick their brains on some of these!). I did my best to answer each question, though I did combine some that were similar for the sake of length of the post.
I did a lot of copying and pasting from Word, so please excuse the spacing and font issues. Kind of ridiculous!
Why do you post on social media?
Well, basically, it increases our chances of being seen by an expectant mother who is looking for an adoption plan. Believe me, I NEVER thought I would be putting our lives out there on social media. Actually, I was solidly against it at first! The issue is, though our agency does put us on their site and send our paper letter out to pregnant women who call them and request to see prospective adoptive families, the adoption wait can take years… and years.
Putting ourselves out there can decrease our wait time. In fact, all contacts we have had have been through our own social networking. Unfortunately, none have worked out, but getting a contacted by anyone lets us know that at least we are visible. It is really easy to get lost in the countless families out there wishing to adopt.
What are you doing to market yourself so expectant mothers who want to make an adoption plan can find you, and more importantly, how can we help?
This goes back to social media. I don't love the word "market" either, but I guess it is what it is. We have an adoption Facebook page, though with FB’s new algorithm, unless you often “like” or comment on our page or opt in to notifications, the page won’t show up on newsfeed or as suggested pages. We, as page owners, could also pay to promote our page to make it show up in newsfeeds. Let's just say that we are choosing to put our money with professional sites such as America Adopts, rather than a site that people are starting to turn away from (ahem... FB).
We also have an Instagram account, which is mostly pictures of cats,
coffee and Atlanta. We have a Pinterest page that I usually forget exists, this
blog of course, which I link on all accounts. I use my personal twitter and
personal Facebook to network as much as possible as well. The listing on America Adopts as mentioned above is a paid profile service and helps to get us
shown to more expectant mothers. They also have the most thorough website I have found for adoption education and views from all member of the adoption triad (adoptess, birth parents, and adoptive parents).
What can you do to help?
Share! Share, share, share. Feel
free to share any of our stuff. I don’t care if you are my best friend or a
complete stranger, feel free to share. You can also help by just talking about
us. You never know whose neighbor’s sister’s friend’s cousin is pregnant and
looking to make an adoption plan. Word of mouth works!
We
have also made pass along cards for networking as well. I have
about 200 more if anyone wants some to pass out to friends and family or
even
strangers. You can live in California, New York, Iowa or even down the
street from us- passing out cards can help! Networking is key!
Is it weird being so public with your lives?
Yes. Super weird. Super duper weird.
See the post I did for America Adopts about blogging LINKY!
It seems to be taking a while to adopt through your agency, why not try foster to adopt or just foster care?
I have answered this question a few times in the past. Not to say it’s not worth addressing again! We researched all of our options for having children before making this very important decision. At this time, the path we are on is the right path for us. We are not disregarding the fact that there are children without homes in the foster care system. We are not ruling out foster to adopt in the future. I know people have strong feelings about this and I don’t want to argue whether or not we are “bad” for not adopting via the state. At this point in our lives, it is not the right option for us.
I would love for every woman who gets pregnant, who wants to- to be able to
keep her baby, but it’s not always possible and perhaps that is more society’s
fault than anything. We are an option for those women. We are an option that
includes contact between baby and the birth family, so that sense of loss,
though ever present, can be eased to a certain extent.
A dear friend once said that IAC (our agency) isn’t in the
business of finding babies for waiting families, they are providing options for
pregnant women who for one reason or another cannot parent. That is
paraphrased, but the basic idea.
More on why we are not adopting through foster to adopt here.
Why do some people adopt quickly and some end up waiting a long time?
It depends. Some people have huge networks of people in their lives, for example, Pastors or teachers, so word just spreads like wildfire. Some people have the money to pay for more than one adoption professional’s help. Can you afford to list on more profile sites? Can you afford to sign with more than one adoption professional? We are middle class. We have bills and dreams of home improvement and planning on a college fund for our little one. We want to be able to afford vacations to the beach and mountains with kiddo when he or she gets here. We don’t want to bring a baby home to a mountain of debt.
The ethical part of adoption is too important to us to
pursue other agencies also. Our agency does it right and that is what matters. Some
people just luck out. I like to think our baby just hasn’t been born yet and
when it’s our time, it’s our time. It is hard to be Zen like that, but
ultimately, I think it comes down to when things are “supposed” to happen in
our lives. Also see the blog post I wrote for America Adopts in October 2014 Finding My Zen State While Waiting To Adopt .
What if your child’s birth mom lives far away, how will you maintain an open adoption?
I guess it depends on what our open adoption is like? We are
open to visits, letters, pictures, holidays, birthdays etc. I think distance
would make some of that harder, so some activities would have to be combined
into one big trip or something. I mean, that is what they make airplanes for
right? We are always up for adventures!
I
have used baby gear, do you want or need anything?
Wow,
thanks for the offer, but we have a 3 year old nephew and like 95% of his old baby stuff. The baby’s room is
basically complete with both new stuff and “like new” hand-me-downs. Please
donate your baby gear to someone who really needs it. We are overflowing with it!
So,
wait, you said on Facebook that all pizza is your favorite pizza? That
can’t be, choose one favorite please.
Ok, fine I will choose just one. We are both huge fans of
pineapple pizza. Lots of cheese. John doesn’t eat meat, but I sometimes want a
good Hawaiian pizza. Mmmm.No onions, no olives for me. Lots of olives for John!
Can you put a picture of Earl the Squirrel on your blog?
Earl! So, Earl is the Registrar's Office squirrel. He’s been coming
around for years, saying hello to whoever occupies a certain corner office.
Recently, we though Earl was not going to be with us. Injured, acting lethargic-
it didn’t look good. Much to our surprise, his injury is healing and he has
been coming back around to hoard acorns.
Earl in better days:
If you have a long match, will you tell us about it?
Likewise, if you have last minute placement, will you share that with us? How
would a last minute placement work?
It will really depend on circumstances surrounding the long match. You have to remember that a match with an expectant mother will not always end in us bringing a baby home. It is her baby until everything is signed and the revocation period is over (this period varies by state). She has every right to change her mind up until then. I think it would be harder for us and those who know us personally if we shared too much and then it didn't work out. While, we would of course respect her decision, it wouldn't feel great and we would likely want to keep that private.
A last minute placement is a situation where we would get a call to hit the road and pick up our kiddo... hopefully. Those can fall through too. You, the reading audience, would not catch wind of that in advance, because we wouldn't know in advance. You would know once all legal stuff is said and done.
How is your extended family dealing with the wait?
Great question! I guess I should have asked them when I saw them over the weekend. From the outside looking in, I think they are doing well with it. I think there are things they didn't understand going into this (I mean, there are things we didn't understand and still don't). They seem to be handling it well, but I do notice that a few of them don't bring it up as often. Perhaps they are scared to or don't know what to say. I know they are still very excited to have a new family member though!
Can you explain what you mean when you talk about adoption
scammers?
I'm kind of half wondering if this should be left to another post. There is a long version and a short version of this answer.
Basically, there are two common types of adoption scammers- the emotional scammer (which is the type we have encountered) and the financial scammer (which we have luckily not come across). Emotional scammers seem to want attention, can seem very genuine at first and then things turn dramatic and negative. Financial scammers obviously try to get money out of you. Both types often pretend to be pregnant, but aren't. Sometimes they are actually pregnant and are talking to multiple families with no intent of placing.
It is a scary part of adoptionland that we had no idea existed until we were neck deep in this. We just have to deal and move on as best we can. You live and you learn.
How
did you come up with your cat’s names?
They all just sort of came to me (Sarah). I actually still
have the letter I wrote to John saying we should name Spike, Spike. I wrote it
in Geology class during a summer term at UGA. I used to write him letters in
class instead of learning…
Moe was on a whim, he
looked like a Moe. Waffles was Waffles’ like 4th name. She had a few
that I can’t really remember that never fit her. Waffles popped out and it felt
right. I am still waiting for a friend to name a pet Pancake. Anyone?
Your blog needs more sunshine. Can you make it more upbeat?
Oh, I try. I really do. The thing is that this blog is a chronicle of what really is happening. Adoption isn't particularly sunny all of the time. I have addressed rainbows and unicorns in the past. I think there is a common misconception that we need to paint our lives as rosy as possible, so an expectant mother feels like we are shiny happy people 100% of the time.
I think that most people would want to see us in real life. We have experienced the entire span of emotions from elation to devastation. We document that, which I think is fine. We document our trips, concerts, and even the food we eat. I do agree that there could be some more upbeat tones in the blog and I do think I have worked on that and made that happen.
I also think my sense of humor is quite sarcastic and dry and doesn't always translate to text. Perhaps a warning such as - look out, sarcasm coming!- would help?
Whew. That was long! If you made it through all of that, congrats, your attention span is awesome! I hope this helped to answer some questions that people may have. You can read part 1 of the Q&A I did over a year ago HERE
Part 2 is right HERE
So much reading! Get to it!
Signing off on this Monday morning with Frank Turner covering Take That's "The Greatest Day" , because any day can turn out to be the GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE!
