Summertime (and the livin' is easy)

Let's talk about vacations and luxuries while being in the midst of the adoption wait.  I think it is absolutely necessary to still enjoy some of life's luxuries, even if we are a little nervous about the costs we are enduring for the adoption. We can't sit at home and think about nothing but waiting.  Distraction is the best coping mechanism I have found to get through this ever dragging process.

We do not have a "real" vacation planned for this summer, but we just went on a long weekend trip to Knoxville, TN for John's curling club.  For those who need a reminder or who for some crazy reason missed the winter Olympics, curling is an olympic sport that is played on ice. John is a part of Atlanta's first curling club and they happened to get into a bonspiel in Knoxville called the "Rocky Top Open Bonspiel" which is hosted by the Great Smoky Mountains Curling Club .  I had never been to Knoxville and I have to say I was really impressed.  It was a smaller city with big city features.  We ate some of the best food I have had in a while.  I would really recommend the French Market which is downtown on South Gay Street. We had some delicious crepes for breakfast our last morning there and got chocolate croissants to go! Did I mention they had free refills on iced coffee?  They know the way to my heart for sure. I thought I had more pictures from around town, but they turned out to be mostly food.  Shocker!

Chocolate croissant, fresh out of the oven!

Crepe!

John out on the ice (note the curling pants)

Spielin'

In a little over a week, we will be traveling to Wilmington, NC for another bonspiel.  The good news is that there is a beach in my future! The bad news is that I need to find a bathing suit (just about every woman's worst shopping nightmare).  We will pack up an emergency baby bag (because we can hope right?!), some SPF "insanity level" for the beach (because I basically glow in the dark), and some winter gear for the ice rink!

In super awesome adoption news, all of our home study renewal stuff has been turned in and our home visit is complete!  We now wait for our home study to be re-written/copy and pasted/tweaked a bit and wait for approval for another year of waiting.... good lord, please no!  My zen state only comes easy when I picture baby with us.  On that note, let's all share our adoption Facebook page ! Hey, good idea! I promise to better about making update posts.  I know it is pretty boring at times.  OR here is an idea, follow us on instagram where I am attempting to post 100 days of happy stuff.  I thought it would be really easy and it would be IF I could just post cats, Frank Turner mega-fan stuff and coffee. I guess I could, but it might run some people off.

On the topic of life's luxuries and cutting back, I am doing living room yoga rather than going to a class, but hat could change if I find the right priced studio. I will also be attempting to make my own iced coffee with this recipe from the Pioneer Woman- rather than purchasing one every day (which I am so guilty of).  My apologies to my local coffee joint, which I single handedly keep in business.  I promise to visit you on special occasions and when I have friends to meet up with.

Everyone, please send our kitty Spike good vibes.  He hasn't been well and was still acting a little off this morning. The vet wants x-rays and blood work.  He means the world to us and we hate when he isn't in tip-top cat shape.  12 years old and still my baby.

A few more pictures from Knoxville.  The skies were beautiful the entire time.

We attended a party at the Concord Yacht Club

A rainbow greeted us as we drove in to Knoxville

Thanks everyone for reading and demanding more! Love getting comments and requests from everyone!  I am open to writing about topics that people want to hear about, so bring 'em on!

Struggling

I am not going to lie, some days of the adoption wait are just hard. There really is no rhyme or reason to which days are easy and which days are hard. I don't want to lie to those who are considering adoption to complete their families. Some days you wake up and feel like your baby is so close that you almost expect a phone call or email that day. Other days, like too many of my days lately, you wake up and see no end to the waiting in sight. Adoption and the quest to parenthood in general changes you. It makes you reevaluate your past, present and future choices.

I had such an amazing weekend and thought I could fly happy off of it for months. I finally got to meet my favorite musician, Frank Turner. After his show at the festival we went to, he played a surprise sidewalk show in Little Five Points. We found out about it on Twitter and rushed over immediately. I was in heaven (my swamp feet from the monsoon that nearly washed out the show were in hell, but I was on cloud nine). After the sidewalk show, which only had about 75 people in attendance, I weaseled my way over to him and said "Hi, can we take a picture together?" He said "sure"! Then he talked to John a bit about hardcore, because John was wearing a Botch shirt. Apparently Frank really "botched" Botch's tour in England years ago (see what I did there?) I didn't say much, as I was just kind of in shock that he was so cool about talking to us and taking a picture. Regrets! But really, what would I say that he hasn't heard? Your music rewired my brain? I may be either a better or worse person because of said rewire? Anyway, here are a couple of pictures from that evening.

Why yes, we are BFFs now... right?

Just completely amazing. But here is the thing, I just couldn't keep that sense of excitement and energy the following day. I woke up feeling empty and anxious. Not because Frank Turner isn't really my buddy, but because life was back to worry worry worry. Back to unanswered questions and uncertain timelines. Back to a job that really just doesn't cut it as far as making a difference in anyone's life. I know, I know, students need transfer credit applied to finish school and graduate and become engineers that advance humanity and save lives! (or whatever. yada yada yada). I'd much rather wake up each day and impact those around me on a much higher level.

The thing I am noticing is that I never had these feelings of uncertainty about my life path until I decided to become a parent. How can I make myself the best version of me so that my child has something to strive for and be proud to follow? How can I ensure that the struggles I have overcome so ferociously give hope to others and impact their lives in a way that helps them to keep going and never look back? How can I ensure that a woman who is looking to place her baby can also see that I am not a weak person who was once sick, but a fighter, survivor and mentor?

As much as I only want to show strength, this adoption journey is hard! I could not deal with it today. I tried. I actually tried multiple times to man up and deal. Instead, I retreated home and thought about how to make this process easier, quicker, happier, and less anxiety ridden. I am still working through those thoughts, but with John as my anchor, we will get through it. My calm, solid anchor who keeps me from floating away into the depths of the sea of stress that swirls about constantly. As much as we are stressed over everything, there is a woman out there who will one day find us, who is in a much more stressful situation than we are. Having to make a choice no one should ever have to make. It isn't just about us and our family. It is about her, her baby, her family, her life. Keeping that in mind, we trudge on. We know our lives will all mesh one day and a new leg of this crazy journey will begin. So for now, we have bad days, we have good days, we even have apathetic days, but each day that passes is another step closer to the wait being over and the next chapter of the story to begin.

Eight Months of Waiting!

As of May 23rd, we have officially been waiting live with the Independent Adoption Center for eight months.  It feels both good and bad.  Good, because we are another month closer to having our baby and bad, because we waited yet another month.  Our profile of what we are open to as far as race and health is so broad, it is easy to convince ourselves that we wont be waiting long.  The reality of it is that no one actually knows.  I sure could use a crystal ball right now.  Life would be feel much easier if we just had some idea of when it would happen.  I think I speak for all people waiting to adopt on that one. 

I wanted to talk a little about the things people say that are not meant to be harmful, but can be.  Everyone asks me if I am sure if I want a baby when their kids are acting up around me.  Let's just get one thing straight, YES. YES. YES.  If I wasn't sure and if John wasn't sure, we would never be putting ourselves through this.  I know when people say that, they think of it as a light-hearted little joke, but after going through so much, my sense of humor fails me on this one.  Yes, we want the tantrums, the poop, the puking and the financial costs.  We want it all, because that is not all that being a parent is about.  It is also about the love and kisses and playing as hard as you can.  It is about the companionship and teaching a human being to be a human being.  It is also about how much children teach you about life.  So, yes, we are unquestionably SURE. 

Another thing that is being said to me again and again is "you will get pregnant as soon as you adopt a baby".  I have gone over this on the blog before, but it needs rehashing.  I cannot carry a baby.  I cannot get pregnant and stay pregnant.  People who know me are aware of this, yet keep telling me that life finds a way.  Lif finds a way?  No, just stop it.  We are adopting and that is the end of it.  If by some freak incident "life did find a way" or try to, the fetus would not survive.  My medications make sure of that.  It is hurtful for people to keep insisting I will be pregnant someday.  On top of that, we always spoke of adopting from month two of our relationship. This is our path. I am not trying to be ugly about it, but it needed to be said.

Lastly, something that really has gotten under my skin is when people ask if I am sure if I want an open adoption.  A million times yes, I and WE want an open adoption.  We chose the Independent Adoption Center, because they specialize in open adoption.  We are fully committed with keeping a relationship with the birth mother of our child and any members of her family that she would like to have contact.  The relationship is yet to be determined.  Could be as close as extended family with visits and holidays together or it could be that the birth mom only wants pictures and letters. We know this is the right way to do it, we have read the literature, taken the courses and feel it in our hearts.  People keep telling me I wont be the only mom if we do open adoption.  No, I guess I wont really be the only mother, because a woman who places her child for adoption is still a mother.  I will be mom, mommy, mama though.  Please read about open adoption before making assumptions   Click for open adoption FAQ

On a positive note, the NKF Atlanta Kidney Walk is this Saturday.  Our team The Walking Beans will be walking for the 6th year.  Our team is small this year, but it should still be really fun.  John and I are going to the Candler Park Food and Music Festival that day also to see my favorite musician, Frank Turner.  Trying not to nerd out too much about it. 

To wrap up my only partially positive blog post, we are still waiting, we are still hopeful.  It is hard to stay positive at all times, but most days are met with optimism and excitement that it will be the day that we get a contact or even meet our baby.  Going into month nine of this open adoption wait, we keep our eyes, ears and hearts open. 

Happy Not Quite a Mother('s) Day!

And that folks, was in my fortune cookie the other night.  I like it...like, a lot.  We can pretend I didn't rip it in the retrieval process.  Basically, ever since John's little health crisis, everything has been going really well.  We have had a lot of positive things happening, which we have been really lacking lately.  Perhaps the tides are turning in our favor.

Saturday we went to our adoption agency's annual picnic.  We got to see so many families who have had successful adoptions, even some who were formerly in our support group.  It really is very motivating to see so many families built through our agency.  The picnic was at a nice little park in Norcross, GA right on the Chattahoochee River.  We got to catch up a bit with some other waiting families that we know through support group.  We also met a goose with a serious attitude problem.  I have experience with angry geese, so that was my cue to back off (the goose terror of 1999 haunts me to this day!).

A picture I took of a not so calm Chattahoochee:

After the picnic, we went to a house warming party for a couple of Atlanta Curling Club friends.  Saw one of my coffee baristas there, but thought it might be a little awkward to talk about my Rev Coffee obession at that moment.  I was that weird person who initially thought that maybe I should just hang out with the dogs (sudden social phobia that passed quickly). Totally wasn't necessary.  Everyone was really friendly and welcoming and the food was delicious!  We headed out a little early, because we were exhausted from our full day.  Sorry, no pictures of that party.  I try to take more pictures of stuff now that I have this blog, but I didn't think so many strangers would appreciate showing up randomly on the internet.

Sunday, I took my mom to Pure Taqueria for tamales.  Mother's day doesn't seem to be important to her, but really I have the best mom, so celebrating her just had to happen.  We checked out the new outlet stores in Woodstock.  Gave up, because we ate ourselves into true discomfort and didn't feel like walking around.  John met his mom at the Cheesecake Factory over in Dunwoody, so we did separate things this year.  We couldn't quite get the schedules to work out right.  I had a couple people wish me happy Mother's day, which came as a bit of a shock!  Still waiting, still not a mom! As one friend put it : "Adopting is like being pregnant without knowing your due date, so that qualifies you as a mom to be".  Thank you Katie, for being so thoughtful.  It wasn't necessarily a hard day for me, because there are so many other moms in my life to celebrate.  Ask me again next year if we are still waiting...

I have started a new exercise routine that I developed myself (it's called "Seriously, get off of your ass!") or at least that is what goes through my head when I just want to lay around and eat frozen yogurt.  So far, I have only missed one out of the 5 days I have been back at it.  I do it mostly to keep my head in the right place.  Exercising does amazing things for my happiness quotient.  Starting the day off active can change the entire tone of a day, it really is quite amazing.  There is a park about 1.2 miles from our house that has a track, so I gave it the ole foot to gravel try on Sunday and felt like a million bucks (a sore million bucks) afterward.  I can see this track and I becoming very close friends this summer.

The track:

If you follow us on http://instagram.com/johnandsarahadopt , you probably have already seen the pictures posted in this blog entry, because I am doing the  #100happydays challenge.  The challenge is to find something to be happy about every single day for 100 straight days.  Honestly, some days I have a hard time finding one thing and other days I have a hard time narrowing it down to just one.  I think it has been really beneficial to do this project, because even when I am feeling negative, my brain is searching for that happy moment to take a picture of and post.  Whoever came up with this idea is kind of a genius.  At first I thought it was a little cheesy, but I totally see the vision for it now.  Follow us and I will try to post things other than cats, coffee, and Frank Turner records (my three happiest topics!).

The NKF Kidney Walk is May 31st and I am something like $55 from my personal goal.  Sign up to join us in our laps around Turner Field or donate here. We have raised a lot less this year than usual, but my heart and brain has really been more with the adoption and renewing our home study, so my efforts have been minimal.  Sorry, NKF, maybe next year! Of course that night we are seeing Frank Turner for free at the Candler Park Food and Music festival.  I shall refrain from my usual Frank Turner is the best musician ever rave (um... he is).

Look what John got me:

Squeal!!!! An EP I didn't already have.  Yes please!  Seriously, I have the best husband ever.

 We have two trips in June for John's curling club.  One in Knoxville and one in Wilmington (you can find me at the ice rink in Knoxville, but at the beach in Wilmington!).  So so so looking forward to some beach time.  We are taking emergency baby supplies on both trips just in case. You never know! 

Longest blog post ever!  Wrapping up... We have support group tomorrow night on how to spot adoption scammers.  A serious shame that any adoptive couple has to worry about that at all.  This week I will continue to say we are ever hopeful for someone to find it fitting to place their baby with us.  We are dedicated to having an open adoption and keeping those lines of communication flowing.  We are ready to go at the drop of a dime.  Please share our adoption efforts with everyone you know.  There really just is no way of knowing how an expectant mother, who is thinking about adoption, could find us.  Feel free to share this blog, our facebook page , our official adoption profile , or any other link along the side of this blog. 

Finding the Words... John's Heart and Mine.

I find it next to impossible to find the right words for this blog entry. I considered not writing it all, but in the spirit of telling our entire adoption story, I feel the need to include it.  I have always said that John and I have been through so much together, that we can handle anything that comes our way in the future.  Last Monday, April 28, 2014, we were put to the test yet again.  Here is a little story of what happened, how we are getting through it and why we are yet again, stronger than ever.

I want to start with Sunday, April 27th.  John had been at an all day curling bonspiel at the ice rink and I had spent the day resting at home, having done the Run4YourLife 5k and babysitting a 2 year old the day before.  When he got home, we found ourselves in a more serious talk about the adoption and toll it takes psychologically, emotionally, financially etc.  We agreed that the stress of it has weighed us down quite a bit, that we are changed people, not who we were when we started this and not who we were when we started trying to get pregnant a while back.  I sat wondering if we were changed for the better or worse.  The fact that we feel thicker skinned, more equipped to handle the hard stuff rang through my head.  The fact that we have learned to be skeptical of everyone, thanks to a plethora of adoption scammers out there, also tainted my thoughts about this "change" in who we are.  After this talk, it was late and we went to bed.  I felt relieved that my rather stoic husband had expressed how he felt to me.  Ultimately, right before I drifted off to sleep, I decided that this change in who we are was a positive thing.  It was us growing and learning through life experience.

The next morning was normal.  John was taking a stay-at-home vacation from work and I headed into my job downtown.  It was finals week at the university where I work, so parking was scarce and I had to park pretty far away.  Around 10:30 in the morning John called me at work saying he didn't feel well.  He said he didn't want to alarm me, but he thinks he may have had a heart attack.  I went through the usual rundown of questions (have you had indigestion, were you thinking about stressful things, did you pull a muscle?).  After all, John is 35- a vegetarian, non-drinker, non-smoker, with perfect blood results at all of his physicals.  After less than a minute I realized if John is worried, I should be worried too.  I told him to hang up and call 911.

I immediately grabbed my stuff and told my job I had to leave.  Something was wrong with John!  In a rush of adrenaline, I ran to the car, pretty sure I made a 10 minute walk in 5 minutes.  Eventually, he sent me a text saying where the ambulance was taking him (a text that made assured me he was alert and okay for the moment).  I contacted my brother Noah, who agreed to meet me there.  I called John's mom and sister, my parents, and probably broke a few speeding laws getting to the hospital. 

When I got to the hospital, he was basically alert, but very pale.  I stopped in my tracks and it sunk in...MY John could be in real trouble.  They took him to the cardiac catheter lab and found that a blood clot had gone to a small artery in his heart.  They removed the clot in the lab and after a very long wait, I saw them rolling him down the hall.  His face had color, he was more alert and talking to me.  A simple tiny clot had traveled through his body to a tiny artery in his heart and caused a minor heart attack!  A little relief swept over me, as I realized that a blood clot could happen to anyone and most of the danger had passed.  Amazingly, 2 nights in the hospital and he was sent home.

John is home recovering now and doing really well.  The doctor wants him off of work until May 13th.  There is a less than 4% chance of this ever happening again, which is probably less risk than many of us have.  I spoke with our adoption counselor at our agency and of course she was more worried about John than our home study renewal.  I really can't say enough good things about the staff at the Independent Adoption Center in Atlanta.  A letter from his doctor saying that this will not prevent him from parenting is needed, which the doctor assured us would not be a problem.  

We are still clear to adopt, staying the course with our ever persevering spirit.  John will be strong as ever in a week or so.  Our relationship is renewed and more solid than ever and our drive to have our family completed though open adoption is in focus.

Life is a crazy thing.  You think you are set on a path, but something nearly always happens to derail you.  We were lucky to only be derailed for a couple of weeks.  We have been thrown off of our intended paths time and time again, but we roll with it.  I think if anything, we are better prepared to be adoptive parents, because we have been through the ringer in the last 13 years of knowing each other.  We are tough as nails and know how to fight for ourselves and will fight for our future child no matter what the cause. 

Hold your loved ones tight and don't forget to remind them of how much you love them.  Here we sit, as always, hopelessly hopeful for our intended birth mom and future child to find us.  For her to see that despite our life changing events, we are healthy and strong, caring and playful, lovers and fighters in life.

I leave you with the song I walked down the aisle to at our wedding.  R.E.M. At My Most Beautiful.

Seven Months Waiting!

As of April 23rd, we have been "live" with our adoption agency for seven months.  It has been both the longest and quickest seven months of our lives!  It is really hard to explain how that works, but that is how it feels.  I'm not going to lie, it has not been easy.  It is that constant state of limbo, the indefinite amount of time we have to wait that makes it so difficult.  Seven months is still below the average wait time, so we have that going for us. In celebration of our 7 month "anniversary" of waiting, I want to write a refresher post about what John and I do and like in life.

John is a sports, music and animal loving guy.  He has a strong presence wherever he goes and can even seem a little intimidating to those who don't know him.  He will probably not love me saying this, but even though he looks tough at times, he is a big softy.  He has a weak spot for anything small and furry, as well as babies.  Children find him from across massive spaces and flock to him like he is made of candy.  John is a musician with an endless library of music knowledge in stored in his brain (scratch that - he has a endless library of knowledge in general filed away).  He is the perfect trivia team member and will be great at helping with homework one day.  John wants to be a dad, play music, and curl with the Atlanta Curling Club to his hearts content.  Attainable goals indeed.

I am a 34 year old who still likes to wear skulls and crossbones on my clothes, even though I am probably proving to be uncool doing so.  I love music, writing (I have an idea for a book brewing and an intro started-ish), and trying to keep in shape by walking, jogging, and generally staying active.  I have a bunch of ideas for tattoos I want to get, but haven't worked up the nerve to get one yet.  I treat my cats like they are human and often find myself having conversations with them about life.  I could probably put out at least four albums of songs I have adapted to be about my cats (wow, I sound so cool...)  I am a two time kidney transplant recipient.  Transplant recipient is one title that I have- it helped form who I am, but does not define me.  I am an outspoken advocate for organ donation and kidney disease awareness.  Ultimately, all I want to is complete our family, travel a bit and focus on making a difference in this world... somehow (details to be determined).

We have three cats Spike, Moe and Waffles.  We got Spike (Spike Boatbutt Pickles Farrar) when we first lived together in college..  Spike is now 12 years old!  Can't believe he is an old man now.  We got Moe (Moe Alejandro Moseph Farrar) the following year, so that makes him 11.  Waffles (Waffy Woo Woogs Woofy Farrar) came to us in 2010 right about the time we bought our house.  I saw her at a vet's office and she was literally reaching and screaming for me.  She is my shadow around the house.  She is almost 4 this year!  Time really flies.

Our cats:

From Top Clockwise: Spike, Waffles, Moe : Cat Pile

We are getting closer to finishing our home study renewal documents.  It is quite the process.  We are still home study approved from our last home study, we just had to start on paperwork early, so there is no lapse.  I bought a rock n' play sleeper at the suggestion of quite a few friends, in case we have to travel and live in a hotel for the adoption.  It is beyond me how to put it together though...  I followed all of the directions, but parts are just not fitting.  Sounds like a job for John. 

Tomorrow is the Run 4 Your Life, Donate Life Georgia 5k.  I am nowhere near prepared, but am excited to be involved in raising awareness to the cause anyway.  John will be on the ice curling a lot this weekend, as the Spring season wraps up.  It is almost summer, so Braves games, a vacation to Wilmington, NC and seeing some bands play are all in the works.  As always, we remain hopeful that our family will have a tiny crying, pooping and all out fabulous baby in the near future. 

Gettin Clicky With It! (link heavy post)

Ok, now that blogger has decided I can finally format, I will continue/finish my plan from the last post. It is really just about things coming up on our calendar and a little nursery talk.

First up, we are probably a little under halfway through with updating documents for our home study renewal, assuming the FBI check doesn't take the full 12 estimated weeks.  Last year we got it back in about 4.5 weeks.  My physical is scheduled and the cats need their shots.  John needs to have his physical, but his doesn't expire until some time in May.  After all of the paperwork is turned in, they will come back out to our house and make sure nothing has changed.  All that has changed is that our yard overgrowth is finally gone!  Yay!  Nobody get too proud of us, we hired a company to do it.  John is freakishly allergic to poison ivy/oak/sumac etc. and I am well...who I am, so we hired it out.  I have to say that it was totally worth it.

Coming up this month, I am doing the Donate Life Georgia - Run 4 Your Life 5k Details here with my dad.  I have not been a good runner/walker lately, so it might be a struggle.  April is National Organ Donation Awareness Month, so the race is to raise awareness.  One of my favorite singers Chuck Ragan of Hot Water Music fame, is playing that night at Terminal West and I would like to go, but John has a major curling event that weekend and we may house some guests. 

In May, we have the National Kidney Foundation Kidney Walk at Turner Field here is a link to my personal walk page . In case anyone wants to join us or donate to the cause.  It really is a fun event, plus you get to see Turner Field in a way you can't when it is full of Braves fans.  Our team is slow going this year, but we usually pick up some walkers during the last month.  After the kidney walk, my favorite musician Frank Turner is playing a free show at the Candler Park Music and Food Festival... we all know I can't help but add a little Frank into every other blog post or so.  I need an intervention. But really, it is free and his music is so good, you would kind of be crazy not to go.

I found something I need need need for the nursery Octopus hook!.  I know it doesn't exactly match our Peter Rabbit bedding, but we aren't really matchy matchy people.  I am just getting what feels right to my gut.  Hopefully, our local Target has some left, since they are limited term.  The bloggers who designed the product are pretty popular, so they are selling out fast. 

This post is picture-less sorry!  I am doing an April Instagram challenge- our instagram if you want to see pictures.  It is more or less just me trying to figure out a way to use Instagram that doesn't scream "give me a baby", because I do not want to come off that way.  I believe those were all of the topics I wanted to cover when blogger went wacky on me the other day.  Sorry for the link heavy post.  Get clicky with it!