Struggling

I am not going to lie, some days of the adoption wait are just hard. There really is no rhyme or reason to which days are easy and which days are hard. I don't want to lie to those who are considering adoption to complete their families. Some days you wake up and feel like your baby is so close that you almost expect a phone call or email that day. Other days, like too many of my days lately, you wake up and see no end to the waiting in sight. Adoption and the quest to parenthood in general changes you. It makes you reevaluate your past, present and future choices.

I had such an amazing weekend and thought I could fly happy off of it for months. I finally got to meet my favorite musician, Frank Turner. After his show at the festival we went to, he played a surprise sidewalk show in Little Five Points. We found out about it on Twitter and rushed over immediately. I was in heaven (my swamp feet from the monsoon that nearly washed out the show were in hell, but I was on cloud nine). After the sidewalk show, which only had about 75 people in attendance, I weaseled my way over to him and said "Hi, can we take a picture together?" He said "sure"! Then he talked to John a bit about hardcore, because John was wearing a Botch shirt. Apparently Frank really "botched" Botch's tour in England years ago (see what I did there?) I didn't say much, as I was just kind of in shock that he was so cool about talking to us and taking a picture. Regrets! But really, what would I say that he hasn't heard? Your music rewired my brain? I may be either a better or worse person because of said rewire? Anyway, here are a couple of pictures from that evening.

Why yes, we are BFFs now... right?

Just completely amazing. But here is the thing, I just couldn't keep that sense of excitement and energy the following day. I woke up feeling empty and anxious. Not because Frank Turner isn't really my buddy, but because life was back to worry worry worry. Back to unanswered questions and uncertain timelines. Back to a job that really just doesn't cut it as far as making a difference in anyone's life. I know, I know, students need transfer credit applied to finish school and graduate and become engineers that advance humanity and save lives! (or whatever. yada yada yada). I'd much rather wake up each day and impact those around me on a much higher level.

The thing I am noticing is that I never had these feelings of uncertainty about my life path until I decided to become a parent. How can I make myself the best version of me so that my child has something to strive for and be proud to follow? How can I ensure that the struggles I have overcome so ferociously give hope to others and impact their lives in a way that helps them to keep going and never look back? How can I ensure that a woman who is looking to place her baby can also see that I am not a weak person who was once sick, but a fighter, survivor and mentor?

As much as I only want to show strength, this adoption journey is hard! I could not deal with it today. I tried. I actually tried multiple times to man up and deal. Instead, I retreated home and thought about how to make this process easier, quicker, happier, and less anxiety ridden. I am still working through those thoughts, but with John as my anchor, we will get through it. My calm, solid anchor who keeps me from floating away into the depths of the sea of stress that swirls about constantly. As much as we are stressed over everything, there is a woman out there who will one day find us, who is in a much more stressful situation than we are. Having to make a choice no one should ever have to make. It isn't just about us and our family. It is about her, her baby, her family, her life. Keeping that in mind, we trudge on. We know our lives will all mesh one day and a new leg of this crazy journey will begin. So for now, we have bad days, we have good days, we even have apathetic days, but each day that passes is another step closer to the wait being over and the next chapter of the story to begin.