Lost In Fog and Love and Faithless Fear

The Hold Steady-A Slight Discomfort

It all comes down to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of failure.

I've come to realize that it's all about overcoming the unknowns. The countless possible outcomes that will likely never even happen- or 99% of them wont anyway- stand in my way mentally. The process of getting past this is proving to be hard though. No matter how diligently you work to live fearless and march forward, those little questions pop in every so often. A part of your brain asks why or when or how, but there are no answers.

I'm a girl who functions best when there are answers. I need the lay of the land, complete with rest stops and a final destination. It doesn't even have to be a happy ending. I simply need to know what happens at the end of this story. I'm not one to enjoy the middle of anything- not books, not movies. I want to know the characters, their goals, and then whether or not they achieve said goals. It's impatience I suppose.

Our adoption updates are not super exciting. We let a few things expire for our home study and are now scrambling to get everything in order. We are doing it mainly apart from each other due to work hours and other obligations. It makes a person feel disorganized and frantic. We still have not had any additional contacts, despite listing our profile with America Adopts, sending out oh, I don't even know how many pass along cards- hundreds, and our letter going our through our agency quite a bit lately. I know it only takes one, but damn, I am really over this silent inbox and phone.

April brings another bonspiel for John. He's heading to Durham soon and I'm staying behind this time. I've had enough curling for a little while. It isn't the best spectator sport. May brings another Frank Turner show...squeeeeal! He will be here in Atlanta this time around, so no road trips or new adventures. Though, if anyone wants to ride up to Nashville with me, I would totally go to that show too! The kidney walk is in May too, I'm feeling not great about it this time around. I think it's because there is just too much on my mind otherwise, so I haven't had time to get my team together and plan out anything fun for after.

I have found it really hard to blog lately, which is weird, because I'm never short on words. Usually something will come to me in the car, or as I'm trying to sleep at night. When I try to write now, it comes out trite and shallow. Never do I want our story to stop having meaning and depth. When I go to write what I really want to say lately, it sounds dark...darker than it probably really is. I guess I feel a little lost in it all right now. Aimless blog posts don't do anyone any good.

I do have a Q&A coming up. This will be our 3rd edition of Q&A...part one can be found HERE and part two can be found HERE . Related also is the post I did about "Other People's Theories" on why we have yet to adopt is sort of in the form on Q&A.

Until next time. 

With A Little Help From Our Friends

 Well, home study renewal time is in full swing. I really feared that this would put us into yet another emotional tail spin, but honestly, I am a little relieved to have something that has definite deadlines. In a process that is so open ended, it is a little reassuring to have steps to follow.

In the state of Georgia, waiting adoptive families have to redo the every single clearance and background check that precedes the actual home visit every single year. I have heard from families waiting in other states who say that only certain things have to be renewed yearly. You can call me jealous on that one! I spent yesterday bouncing all over trying to get some of it taken care of before last year's documents expire. It really is quite exhausting.

In other news, our new adoption pass along cards arrived! We have already mailed out over 200 to friends and family who are willing to help spread the word that we are still waiting to adopt through open adoption. We are so thankful for friends and even strangers (so awesome!) who are willing to help us get the word out. If you want to help too, just send me a message or comment and I can get some out to you too! They are business card sized and printed front and back. The front picture is actually the inside of our crib! This is what they look like:

People have asked me for ideas of who to give the pass along cards to or where to leave them. I try to be tactful and not leave them anywhere offensive. I don't want to seem like we are preying on anyone. We honestly want to be the answer for someone who already is in need of a family for her baby. We would never want to coerce someone or target anyone too young to make her own decision.

With that being said I have left them in coffee shops, restaurants, and bars. I have given them to strangers when random conversation came up about us waiting to adopt- in line at Starbucks, the post office, the grocery store- I will talk to just about anyone about our adoption wait these days. My coworkers carry them in their wallets in case they hear of someone wanting to place her baby. I have left cards in doctors office waiting rooms after appointments, dropped them in elevators at hospitals or hotels when I visit, and have even left a card or so with my local clothing alterations lady. 

At this point, we have nothing to lose. Closing in on 19 months waiting and not many contacts from people considering placement. We know that the more we put ourselves out there, the more likely it is that people who don't agree with these methods will find us, but it is also more likely that the mother of our  baby will find us as well. We have to take the punches along with the good that could come out of this.

So far, we have had one "contact" through the pass along cards. It was a woman who wanted to pray with us. We appreciate the thought, but honestly, if that phone rings about adoption, our hearts are in our throats. I'll admit that after hearing a very nervous woman asking for Sarah or John of "sarahandjohnadopt" that ended up with a request to pray, I cried my eyes out after we hung up. Minutes later we met family for lunch and had to pretend we weren't feeling defeated. The adrenaline from thinking we finally had a contact to the crash of - oh that is sooo not the case- was actually really difficult. I can't even say what her intentions were, they seemed good at first, but there was talk of us flying out to some prayer group, which screamed scam to me. 

Dear readers, that stuff kinda hurts, even if it's not meant to. We have to believe that this will be worth it though. No matter how many calls we get with questionable motives. One day, one call could be THE CALL and the rest will fade away. So, we just continue to put ourselves out there, putting up our imaginary shields for the odd and the bad, while welcoming the good. 


We still have hope.

Donate Life Month: How Organ Donation Is Helping To Make Me A Mom!

Here is a semi off topic post. But really it is also about adoption in a way.

You see, April is Donate Life month and I am a two time kidney transplant recipient.Thanks to two living donors, my mom in 1999- when I was only 19, and my brother in 2010, I will get to be a mom through open adoption some day. In fact, I have three friends who are transplant recipients AND adoptive moms! Talk about motivation! I guess this is kind of a "me" centric post, but for a good reason. To put a face to transplantation. To show what kind of life you can give someone by being an organ donor. Being a living donor, or by registering to be an organ donor after your time is up, saves lives.

Thanks to two living donors, I get to live a healthy and quite normal life. Without them, I would be sick at best. It would be really difficult to pursue adoption and be a mom. Could it be done? Of course, but without having my health it would be more of a struggle. Without them, John and I would not be where we are today.

My mom, me, my brother Noah at the 2014 NKF Kidney Walk

Our first walk ever as Team Walking Beans in 2008!

I love organ donation and all things transplant. I love donors and their families, recipients, people waiting for transplants, and the people willing to be educated about transplantation and being an organ donor. And.... I  really love stats! Here are some stats, taken from donatelife.net:

Currently, nearly 124,000 men, women and children are awaiting organ transplants in the United States. For specific numbers visit unos.org

• Approximately 71,219 Multicultural Patients*
• Approximately 1,911 Pediatric Patients*
• 28,953 Organ Transplants Performed in 2013
• 14,257 Organ Donors in 2013
• More than 47,000 corneas were transplanted in 2013
• More than 1 million tissue transplants are done each year and the surgical need for tissue has been steadily rising.
*as of January 2015

Because of organ donation, I have a chance to be the best version of myself. To show that transplant doesn't stop you from being a regular human being, but it does motivate you to be an exceptional human being. To show that you can accomplish just as much as anyone, if not more, after transplant. That giving up is never an option. Because you can go on to finish college, have a career, ADOPT A BABY and live an excellent, fulfilling life.

You can:

Graduate from school

Run races!

Look at old pictures of you and your donor and think "wow, that kid grew up to do something wonderful!" (nom nom nom ...hand!)

Get married!

Do your part to help other transplant recipients and raise awareness! (My dad!)

Show off your awesome scars! (If you can't tell, that is my lower left and middle abdomen and hip bone).

Fall completely in love with being an aunt!

And dream every day and every night of when you get to put your own little one down to sleep in this nursery.

I am thankful. I am overwhelmingly happy that I get to be a mom soon, because I am healthy. Thanks to organ donation, my dreams will come true and goals will always be met. 

This year's NKF Kidney Walk is on May 30th. It takes a very small amount of your morning to come out and walk with us. Join our team, Team Walking Beans here: My personal walk page! All funds raised go to the National Kidney Foundation. Their programs educate the community and support patients with kidney disease.

What I am saying here is, you can make a difference by signing up to be an organ donor. You can change lives and even save lives. For more about how I feel about kidney transplant and our adoption read You have a what? Whoa.

It just takes one...

Hi again everyone, John here, giving Sarah a break this week. She does such a great job writing and expressing our thoughts about the adoption process and our lives, and there's been so much going on lately that I wanted to share, so here goes.

Last weekend the Atlanta Curling Club hosted its first open bonspiel, which I happened to be the chair of! I've been working on this since January, organizing the event, getting the teams together, and working with the other members of the club to make sure everything was ready in time. I had so much to do I didn't even get to play! It was a long weekend, but everyone had a great time and Sarah and I even won a raffle basket for the first time ever!

Curling action:


After the bonspiel last weekend, I've been on vacation from work all week (a staycation, really). Time for some spring cleaning and organization in the Farrar house! I broke out the lawnmower for the first time this year and cut the grass, pulled up some old shrubs, and worked on some landscaping around the yard. It's great to have a week to be able to stay at home every once in a while and recharge, I can't help but think how much fun it will be after we adopt and there's a baby in the house. I haven't even gotten to everything I want to do this week, but I should have more time at home in the future, which leads me to the other big news:

After six years of working at the same store, I'm getting transferred to be closer to home! My commute will go from 30 minutes/1 hour to six minutes! I'm looking forward to starting at a new place, and especially excited about being able to spend more time at home with Sarah!

We are now at 18 months live with our adoption agency. The last few months waiting have been tough knowing that we are about to be waiting longer than the "average" couple in our situation waits. We haven't had any contacts lately, which sometimes makes us feel like we're all alone in this. But it just takes one, one click, one person to share our blog or facebook page, one person to leave one of our cards, one birthmother to find us and make the choice to choose us as adoptive parents. Thanks to everyone for your support, it means so much to us!

John

Get Better

Readers, please forgive me for posting more Frank Turner. It has to be done. It's helping me find my way out of this "18 months of waiting to adopt" hole.

Adoption is hard. Life can be really hard. But, we can get better, because we aren't dead yet. 

Listen, Watch, Read. Courtesy warning- Not completely safe for work.

Yes, I'm having a moment.

But For Now, We Toast

 Let's start out with the positive.

America Adopts published my guest post yesterday! With further ado, here it is!

Click Here!

Also, my Frank Turner birthday extravaganza was more than I could have ever asked for. I was right up front, singing until I was hoarse, getting slammed about like I was 22 again. After the show he came outside to hang out with us fans. What a super nice human being! Perhaps if he wasn't so nice, I could begin to ease up on my Frank Turner fandom...probably not.

He had the crowd sing happy birthday to me and got me a drink. We toasted and hugged and all was right with the world. I fan-girled a little on the inside, but i believe I played it quite cool on the outside!

Now on to the nitty gritty. Last night's sorta, kinda trauma.

Adoption, you are breaking my heart. IAC, you are breaking my heart as well.

I came home to a letter I have been dreading from our adoption agency. A letter I had only heard rumors of. It stated that we have been waiting "a somewhat longer time than the usual".

What I read: You guys are failing. You are not pretty, thin, or interesting. You are not cultured enough or well traveled enough to be appealing. You have not proven yourself worthy. Obviously, this is not true, but that's what I read.

I'm home alone and beating myself up. Is it me? Is it John? Is there some truth to the "other people's theories " that I wrote a previous post on? What happened to my being ok with hitting the "average wait time"? It is all B.S.? Possibly.

I know that the letter did not intend to make us feel inadequate, but this process has torn my self confidence down so much that I can read it again and again and only feel insulted and angry... or is it sad? I don't even know anymore.

This is not me! I am secure in myself and in John. I know we are none of those things. I know we are going to make awesome parents.

Should I only show the happy unicorns and butterflies aspects of our lives? Will that get us chosen? Will that put an end to this limbo? What is the magic spell to not be the people who wait for years and years, or even worse- never adopt? 

I.JUST.CAN'T.

Why isn't us just being who we are enough? Our unicorns and butterflies live peacefully amongst snakes and hornets. Life is a balance of good and bad and even boring.

It's just a letter. A piece of paper I knew was coming any time now. Soon to be followed by the request to begin renewing our home study, because that's cheery. Adoption is not for the weak and I am feeling quite weak.

Dear IAC, a simple "at 18 months we offer these additional services" would have sufficed. We certainly are aware of how long we are waiting. It is quite the sensitive topic.

Are we still hopeful? Always. But there are moments that don't feel so hopeful.

Today I am on a quest to get us back to that hopeful place in our hearts and our heads. 

Wrapping up with a song by Ben Marwood. Just because.

And Glen Hansard. Just because.

One Foot After The Other: Rainbamapocalypse Tuesday

First up, gotta get it out of the way...

I'm seeing Frank Turner tomorrow!! What?! Yes, I am seeing the man himself on my birthday in less than 35 hours. Try not to wee yourself in excitement. I've reached a new level of fandom. The 5+ hour drive to see someone play level of fandom. I've done the 3+ hour drive before and I believe John has done a 7+ to see a band play. Priorities.

Those dimples!

Tonight John and I are celebrating my birthday a day early, since I am going out of town without him tomorrow. I put my name in to see a band, Beans on Toast, at a house show. Looks like I got in with a +1, and it is in fact my month to say yes to everything, so looks like we are going to hit that up tonight! Assuming President Obama being in town doesn't make it impossible to get over there of course. Every time we have a president visit, the traffic is out of control! Plus rain, oh man, Atlanta traffic in the rain is ridiculous. Could end up being the Rainbamatrafficopalypse.

Edited to add POTUS motorcade. Work field trip to see it in action!

 In adoption news, America Adopts invited me to do another guest blog post for them. Look out for that coming up soon (soonish? I have no time frame to share). I really love their site! It has a wealth of information and now we have our own profile listed there as well! Linky dinky doo! They have quite a large presence on the internet as far as the adoption world goes. We feel like having our profile on their site could just be that little extra something we need to be found by someone looking to place her baby.

America Adopts profile snippet!

I was just talking to a friend we made through support group about the letter that everyone that uses our agency writes. It is a letter to prospective birth parents. You have to try to summarize who you are and what your life is about in approximately 900 words. As you can all tell from my lengthy blog posts, this is not an easy task for someone like me. I've been thinking about what I would really want to say, versus the kind of sugarcoated, glossy, picture of our lives. Of course this blog does a pretty good job of that, but I rewrite our letter in my head often.

In all honesty, what our letter should read is this:

Hello, we can't promise to be perfect parents, but we can promise to love heck out this kid and to protect him or her with all that we are as people. We love cats and music. We like delicious food and vacations. We are committed to having an open adoption.

Like, in a nutshell, that's us. Way less than 900 words. Sure we could go on about how much we love our families and how much Atlanta has to offer, but the thick of it is that we are gonna love that kid so darn much! We already do. I know that sounds weird, since we have yet to meet said kiddo, but we do.

So, I'm leaving age 34 behind in less than 24 hours. The year I thought I would finally become a mom. The year that I now know was for overcoming and forgiving the crazy things that happen in life.

Onward and upward.